Weighted Journals

Weighted Journals

Where I started created the present I'm in now, but that doesn't mean I have to dwell there.
From writing my first journal entry in 2002, through off and on writing about my day and emotions, to the blogging I've been doing now I've learned and grown into who I am today. So I'll hold onto those lessons and moments of growth but I don't need the evidence of heart break and drama to lug around in the forms of my hand written journals any longer.

I've struggled with the idea of getting rid of my journals. Whether they are good or bad (at least half of them are not that great) I felt like I should keep them because they are still a bit of my history but honestly after just reading my 2nd and 3rd journals I just couldn't read them anymore. It was a good thing I summarized my journals in later versions so I could just look in the back of them and see the general information I wrote out.

I wrote 9 journals of my life and 2 journals of just spiritual experiences. I'm only keeping 6 out of all 11. I still feel an attachment to the 5 I want to get rid of for the aforementioned motion of it being my history no matter how much it apparently still hurts to read my heart being broken or all the initial choices I made or thoughts I had that were really not in my best interest. As a fair compromise I'm going to summarize them VERY briefly on this blog post as if I were talking to someone who wanted to know my life story. In other words, not all the details will be present, just moments in my life that were turning points for me; a timeline of sorts. *NOTE* no matter how brief I tried to make it this is still a long post. sorry!*

Journal #1:
This journal went from 2002- 2005 and contained the most evidence of my growth as a writer and story teller. I begin by saying friends that I have and the type of soap I used, food I've eaten, and crushes I've had. It has a good feeling attached to it and I can't help but laugh at my younger self  especially when I write something like "we got lip gloss and my kind was Vanilla Frosting. Yum. it protects and smooth's my lips. bye." It even had a few big moments in it like

• Tuesday July 15th 2003 (I didn't actually specify the year but I'm assuming that is the case based off of the previous entry) -Started My Period. 
• Friday June 11th 2004- I got my Ears Pierced 
• Monday Febuary 14th 2005- My first Valentine 

Journal #2:

2005-2006

This journal hurt the most to read. I was going through a lot of emotions from being kind of "a thing" with my first Valentine to feeling very alone. If there is anything I've gotten from this journal it's that I wish I could tell myself that he wasn't what love really looked like. It didn't look like name calling, weird physical gestures( a foot in the face for example), pretty compliments, ignoring, pressure (like a first kiss for example), or immaturity. However, being the stubborn 13 year old that I was maybe wouldn't have listened anyway because I thought I knew it all.  The good news is closer to the end of the journal I was barely getting a grasp on all of that, knowing that I was just apart of a tug of war of wits and I didn't need nor deserved to be treated that way. The bad news was it was after I gave my first kiss away. 

• Friday July 15th 2005- First Kiss

"A kiss is an evidence of love, not an evidence of lust--but it can be. Dont ever let a kiss in your courtship spell lust. Necking and petting are lustful; they are not love...i don't mind [you] kissing each other after you have had several dates;...not the kiss of passion, but the kiss of affection" -Spencer W Kimball 1959

Journal #3:

2006-2007

This journal gets a little messy in the emotional department. I'm really trying to figure things out here but luckily for me this is the first journal I add a summery of in the very back of the journal so I don't have to read the whole thing. Things still aren't exactly over with Valentines Day guy because he keeps flip flopping with what he says which confuses the heck out of me (the writer in me still wants to know exactly what happened). Other guys start coming into my life, choices and changes, friends to foes, blessings, books, death in the family, and even traveling. This is the journal of the proverbial falling off the horse and starting to pick myself up. 

• April 20th 2006- I fell down at least 7-8 steps causing the worst spraining of my ankles in my life. At 7:39 am before school my mom was heading back to the school and the ambulance was called and was heading to pick me up. I had always wondered about the stories behind the sirens and now I knew this one. I was driven to the hospital, x-ray's, given pain medication, and sent home with two sore and swollen but very lucky ankles. I was out of school for a little while and even when I went back I was wheeled around for about a week and then crutches for another while. 
• May 13th 2006- First Mormon Stake dance since I was 14! 
• August 4th 2006- My first trip with a friend and my first time at a water park 
• August 17th 2006- First day of Seminary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
• August 20th 2006- My patriarchal blessing was given
• October 21st 2006- My Grandpa on my dads side Passed away and we had his funeral

Journal #4:

2007-2008

This journal is less scattered and more black or white, not really any in between. I had moments in this journal that were positive and a wealth of memories that came from experiences through traveling to important and historical monuments of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I almost want to keep this one but for just as high as experiences that there were, there was also some severe lows. In other words my own version of the "rebellious stage"; black attire and bad boyfriend included. 

• May 15th 2007- Break up with the "Bad Boy". I only put this as a significant moment because this is when it really all hit home for how I should be treated as not only a blossoming woman but just a person in general. It was a relief and also scary at the same time. It made me realize that in a persons darkest moments it truly shows what kind of person they are capable of being. Whether that be a person who never gives up even if by being hurt they may say things they shouldn't or a person who becomes a black hole. It doesn't mean that they will always be that way. We were teenagers after all and there are these slopes in our lives where sometimes we figure it out and sometimes we droop lower. However, in that moment and period of my life I'm glad I saw a different path and got him out of my life ESPECIALLY how he reacted to breaking up with him. 
• June 13th 2007- My first Pioneer Trek (this is actually in one of my spiritual journals but it's the same time period)
• July- My mom took all of us kids on a road trip to see Temples, Nauvoo, Joseph Smiths home, and even the Niagra Falls and a bit of Chicago and Minnesota where a boy who helped me get out of so many situations that really weren't in my best interests but as I've already stated taught me anyway. In a way he was my life line to what a true friend really looked like and I only wish I returned the favor more. 
• September- I got the farthermost I ever have for trying to audition for a movie. This one happened to be for the Twilight movie by Stephanie Meyer. I made calls constantly and left messages only to be told I needed an agent or something. In the end they chose an actress for the part and I never got to actually audition. 
• November- I took my permit test twice and ended up passing the second time! 

 Journal #5

2008 (It was one of if not my smallest Journal)

This journal is a bit of a lull with a burst of strong emotions ( it's what happens when you have a crush on a Mormon Missionary, totally not worth the headache). Its a journal of me getting the last large chunk of crazy off my chest. I think I was preparing a lot at this time changing from adolescence into real womanhood. I was dreaming a lot in this journal and making goals even though some of those dreams were a little off it was still a good time for me to have hopes and dreams to keep me going and to put into place and motions the real, deep, and true things of my heart. 

• April- My sweet 16. It was sweet but nothing like the movie versions (curse you media and my high expectations!) 
• April 15th-Legalized Driver with driver licence included (of course). 
• April- I went to my first Mormon Prom 
• May 20th-21st- GED orientation and testing (spoiler: I passed!) 

Journal #6

2008-2009

• August 24th 2008- Started college classes (spoiler: I still don't have a degree in anything just a bunch of credits equal to a AA-degree)
• August 8th 2008- My first real date with a nice guy (just to clarify I never had dates just boyfriends up to this point although I REALLY wish I would have waited for the dates or asked boys out myself when I turned 16! Seriously makes a difference, but once again, I still learned from it all!) 
• September 30th 2008- Started my first Job at Subway 
• January 31st 2009- First winter formal for Flag High with one swell guy. (Spoiler: I dated him the longest and was always treated with respect and love. I'm thankful for our relationship even though it was not meant to be.)
• June 5th-6th 2009- GED Graduation Day and Celebration 

Journal #7-#9

I'm keeping these so I've decided not to write about them (even though I blogged the 1st one and I'm keeping that one) but I will say that I only feel like I keep progressing. It may be slow and I may slide back at times but overall I think I'm becoming a strong and better person through it all. I keep telling myself lately that this and whatever is coming up in my life is meant to be. I can do hard things. 

So as I close these journals for good I just want to say if feels good to remember and to forgive. It feels good to not only emotionally let these things go but also a physical representative. I'm only bonded by the challenges and hardships but I'm not longer chained to those moments. I've got this, and so do you. 

-Megan  

Balance Starts in You

I have felt the tug for another blog post these past couple of weeks but have struggled with what topic to write about.

There have been so many miraculous, wonderful, and even challenging events in my life lately that I have a burning desire to share but I would like to do so in a tactful way.

I guess the best place to start would to be balanced.

Just like my head is swirling with stories and knowing what exactly to share at this time or to share later so are our lives. I believe it is a constant struggle of individualized needs and being apart of a community and greater purpose than our own. I know I've struggled with this and the moment I started having children I only felt more split.

I felt a duty to God.
I felt a duty to myself.
I felt a duty to my religion.
I felt a duty to my family both immediate and extend.
I felt a duty to my callings in church.
I felt a duty to my spiritual study.
I felt a duty to teaching and being an example to my children.
I felt a duty of an honest person.
I felt a duty to be a good citizen of the state, country, and place of the world that I live.
I felt a duty to be a friend and make some friends.
I felt a duty of love, kindness, patience, and sanity. 
I felt a duty to my home and the care and maintenance of it.
 I felt a duty to health and happiness.
I felt a duty to authenticity and uniqueness; to be me and what that meant.

All of these ( and probably more) pulled and continues to pull in what feels like different directions . I am left feeling confused, lost, anxious, exhausted, and stressed. There was no way I could be all of these things, still be a sane person, and not to mention happy.

SO I wouldn't....

Last Sunday we had a lesson in relief society about being a Bearers of Heavenly Light. The talk was called just that and it was given by Dieter F Utchodrf last October for the Priesthood Session of General conference. Although it was given to the men of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it was the perfect talk I've been needing on this journey to get my life back on track and to be content and determined once again. Even better was when our discussion leader read a quote at the end of the hour for Relief Society by Marianne Williamson. It summed up the very feelings I've been feeling for a few months:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, who am I to bne brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a Child of God! You're playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

That quote hit home so hard that I probably sat there with my jaw hanging open for the whole relief society to see. It pointed out to me that I've been squashing myself down because I didn't want to disappoint or lead astray anyone when in reality by squashing myself into nothing I was not only miserable but I WAS letting people down and they weren't following me anyway! This was the perfect explanation that by being the person I was created to be and by following the Christ's light there would be no room for hectic and crazy and everything else would naturally work out into the balance I was desiring the most in my life.

The Peace
The Calm
The Happy

As well as fuel my motivation to rise up and love and help others the way I've always wanted to do.

I'm going to share an experience that has happened to me recently that I feel would make the perfect ending to this particular blog post. It all started with a dream....

A few weeks ago I had woken up in a panic from another dooms day dream. There was ciaos outside of my home and I kept asking everyone I came into contact with inside, "what is going on?" But no one gave me a straight answer. I could see my family by the window looking at what I then saw was a mass amount of SWAT team and police men as well as their well armored vehicles covering our whole street. They were surrounding our neighbors home across the street and everything looked crazy outside. I then looked out my backyard window and saw teenage boys from the age of 9-14 trying to climb over our fence and into our backyard. For some reason this didn't alarm me.
I turned back to my family and again I asked "what is going on?" and to my right the answer, "there's been mass murdering going on outside and they are trying to grab hold of the leader of the group whose been killing everyone." One of the teenage boys had gotten into my house (again fr some reason this didn't alarm me) and was holding his phone recording a video of the event. After that everything seemed like it slowed down. I was outside now, and I could hear people in the background yelling at me to gt back inside but I just kept walking towards the park down our street. There was trash and belongings everywhere and the park was the worst. Toilets, bunk beds, dressers, tires, and other items littered the whole park as if houses had just been gutted and thrown onto the lawn of the park. I turned around and saw the front of our neighbors house be ripped off by the SWAT team and noticed that the house was completely empty except a sandbag barricade, and in the center a man with a mustache wearing a wife beater, cargo pants, and a look of gruesome pride holed up, waiting. He surrendered. What shook me the most was the fact that the house was used as a base, not even trying to be concealed as an actual home, as if this had been plotted and planed for awhile and he was just waiting.

I woke up during this part of the dream with my chest tight, my heart pounding, and feeling sick to my stomach. I felt as if there was no where that would ever truly be safe. The security system we had just got wouldn't matter when the world was ending. The safe places wouldn't be safe. The sanctuaries wouldn't hold any meaning. No precautions would end up mattering and worst of all was it wasn't just my life to worry about. If it were just me I'd give it away, I wasn't afraid of death but the dying part and even more beyond that was my children. I couldn't stand it if they were hurt or if I wasn't there to take care of them and be there for them. I prayed that if this is what the end were really to look like to please just let me die first. I was tormented and my very core ached. I felt like I was falling apart and so I woke up my husband and asked him if he'd hold me so that I could feel a little bit put back together. It was at that point in the middle of the night that I realized how impact the dream really was to me. I cried and I sobbed and I exhaled in anguish. My husband became more alert and asked me 'what was wrong' to which I told him, "just hold me really tight".
We laid there for awhile until I gained some composure and stretched out a little bit. I was still frantic and that's when I felt a warmth on my cheek and heard a voice in my head. It was a woman "shh-ing" me and telling me that "it's okay and everything will be fine." I asked her in my thoughts who she was and immediately had the thought of Heavenly Mother. She respond that it didn't matter. I had the impression that-whoever she was- was stroking my hair and sitting on the side of my bed. I relaxed and felt calm so quickly that I knew I wasn't just imagining things since I've had panic attacks before and there has been no real way to calm myself down, not to mention a complete one-hundred and eighty degrees. I asked her again who she was and she said, "I'm a friend it doesn't matter who I am. You're safe, go to sleep." I then thought about my kids and worried about there safety. "They're safe," the woman responded, "There are angels with them just like there are with you." I had the impression that there were two angels in each room with my children which made me relax to the point where my eyes closed. I kept trying to have the conversation in my thoughts with her and opening my eyes but I felt like I had no control of them. I felt like the woman had rolled her eyes in humorous disbelief almost like "you're at peace why aren't you trying to go back to sleep?"
I told her, in my thoughts, that I didn't want to forget when I woke up. I didn't want to forget the angels. I didn't want to forget her and the experience I'd been having.
She told me, "You won't. You won't forget and someday you will be doing just as I am doing, comforting others who need it."
With one more sigh I fell asleep and the next morning it was just as she promised: I didn't forget and a week or so at general conference there was a change in how we reach out to others in love and minister to them just as Christ did  and again her declaration to me that someday I would be comforting others just as she was doing became that much more real to me. This is a purpose of mine and I'm going to let my light shine and glorify God by doing His work.

-Megan

Prophetess of the Home

Once again it has been too long.

All the same it feels like the perfect time for another blog post! This time about the ultimate desire to be a woman of God.

Specifically a prophetess.

When I came across the term in my scripture studying I basically got the "shivers"- as my son calls them- and became giddy over the thought of possibly becoming one. But what did it mean? All throughout scripture it talks about prophets or apostles of God being wise and male leaders who, at times, had to start of their own journeys a little rocky but it made them into the spiritual giants we have read about in the Bible and/or Book of Mormon.

It's true that they have all been men but that also didn't mean that the woman's role was any less important.

A prophet or an apostle from the scriptures, and in today's time, are given the priesthood of Melchizedek to preform sacred ordinances.  Women can contribute to this priesthood by receiving a testimony of Jesus Christ  and enjoying the Spirit of Revelation. Women who are prophetess' do not hold the keys of the priesthood to preform these ordinances but they are still a very big part of them from the very beginning because they call out to God and answer when he calls back.

This does not mean that as a priestess or prophetess you need to go and build up your own church or preach, but what it does mean- to me- is that I can build up my own house and teach, follow, and do my very best everyday and as long as I have a testimony in Jesus Christ I will be directed where to go and as long as I'm following, my children will also follow.

A prophetess isn't about leading masses of people or preaching the word of God to every person you come across but just continuously learning and BEING that leader.

A natural born leader isn't someone who is looking to rule over others, but through their gifts and talents others follow them anyway.

Being aware of gifts and talents aren't random happenstances but God given to help you thrive by completing challenges to obtain the talents and to add variety and beauty to the world.

Good examples of priestess/prophetess' are found in these scriptures: Exodus 15:20, Judges 4:4, 2 Kings 4:4, 2 Chronicles 34:22, Luke 2:36 .

Here are a 3 ways we can develop our abilities as prophetess' in our own homes:

1. RISE UP 

And take Christs name upon you. A suggestion to know what that means for you is to look at all the names of Christ and pick which ones stand out or have the most meaning to you and then follow that example. See Jesus Christ as your primary role model and an example of who you are to become. Define your role through Christ and understand that your duties, magnified in Faith is what moves forward the work in the priesthood. Dont despair! Keep Moving!* "Attacks against the Church, its doctrine, and our way of life are going to increase. Because of this, we need women who have a bedrock understanding of the doctrine of Christ and who will use that understanding to teach and help raise a sin-resistant generation. We need women who can detect deception in all of its forms. We need women who know how to access the power that God makes available to covenant keepers and who express their beliefs with confidence and charity. We need women who have the courage and vision of our Mother Eve." -A Plea To my Sisters, Russel M Nelson, October 2015 
*Notes taken from "Rise Up in Strength Sisters in Zion", by Bonnie L Oscarson, October General Conference 2016 

     2. BE BOLD
“The world needs the touch of women and their love, their comfort, and their strength. Our harsh environment needs their encouraging voices, the beauty that seems to fall within their natures, the spirit of charity that is their inheritance.
"If we wish the blessing, we must pay the price. A part of that price lies in being faithful. Faithful to what? Faithful to ourselves, to the very best that is within us. No woman can afford to demean herself, to belittle herself, to downgrade her abilities or her capacities. Let each be faithful to the great, divine attributes that are within her. Be faithful to the gospel. Be faithful to the Church. We have all about us those who are seeking to undermine it, to look for weaknesses in its early leaders, to find fault with its programs, to speak critically of it. I give you my testimony that it is the work of God, and those who speak against it are speaking against him.Be faithful to him. He is the one true source of your strength. He is your Father in Heaven. He lives. He hears and answers prayers. Be faithful to God.
" I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass."- Excerpts from the Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Gordon B Hinkley manual, Chapter 5, "Daughters of God".

      3.REPENT ALWAYS
"The grace of God is a gift given to us as the atonement through our ability to repent and have faith. Faith unto repentance fills us with joy and hope that we then turn to share and serve others. Faith unto repentance is a lifelong pursuit that can be a joyous journey if we pursue it with faith in Jesus Christ and have hope in his atonement" - Repentance is always Positive by Stephen W Owens from General Conference in October 2017 
James 2:14-26
"God has provided that through faith men might work mighty miracles, for without works faith is dead and with such faith we can accept whatever the outcome and still spiritually prosper. Is our faith focused on simply on wanting to be relieved of pain and suffering, or is it firmly centered on God? Our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all God's children. When we exercise our faith and go to work, enduring to the end, even in our hardest  days we can be grateful because we understand the deeper meaning and can see the miracles at work." - Has the Days of Miracles Ceased? By Elder Donald L Hallstrom from October Conference in October 2017

In conclusion, don't loose sight of your potential to excel in who you are and your relationship with God and Jesus Christ because through them you will be able to enjoy the blessings of revelation and will know the right opportunities to lead. I know that as I studied this more the more certain I was that my lifelong goal was to become a Prophetess, to know God and to know "my" people. To love them and serve them and to understand the deeper meanings of challenges placed in my life to only become better, stronger, and a more beautiful soul. Writing this out has reminded me that I'm already there, I just need to keep on going.

-Megan

       

Santa: the Spirit of Giving

I was originally going to write a post today about being a prophetess in my home and my strong desire to be "a woman who has received a testimony of Jesus and enjoys the spirit of revelation. A prophetess does not hold the priesthood or it's keys."

BUT...there has been a series of events this Christmas season for our family that has been more pressing on my mind and heart: our Secret Santa family. 

It all started with a few small gifts. Some muddy buddies from the Reynolds from our ward and then on the 6th a cute little basket filled with hot chocolate, peppermints, and a four Christmas thermos's with only a note that said: 

"Seasons Greetings from out family to yours"

On the inside it said: "Something to keep your family warm on this chilly night. Enjoy the hot cocoa and homemade peppermint candy canes."

Little did we know we would see more of the same notes with no name and how much I would need to learn from it. 

December 6th: Hot Cocoa and Peppermint Candy Canes 

1. A cute Christmas tin that held the homemade peppermints 
2. 4 Christmas travel mugs 
3. Hot chocolate packets 
4. A white tub 

This just happened to be the day that we were super busy with a whole AC crew from Penguin Air putting in a brand new AC and new duct work so that we could have hot and cold air. The crew said that two little girls left the gift at the door and ran off. It was super sweet to see the time and effort they spent for this cute, sweet, and thoughtful gift!

December 7th: "Movie Night fun, Popcorn and Candy and Laughter Galore" 

1. The original Christmas Classics Anniversary Collectors Edition 
2. Nutter Butter Cookies
3. Red Vines 
4. Swedish Fish 
5. Welch's Gummies 
6. Extra Butter Microwavable popcorn 

At this point I'm in awe that the same Secret Santa family gifted us for a second time. I remember saying to the hubby "so there are people in the ward who like us". It was said as more of a joke at the time but I think there might have been some underlining reasons for what I said. It meant a lot to me that someone was thinking about us but at the same time I also began to question if they really meant it or if they felt bad for us because of the testimony I had bore the previous fast Sunday, December 3rd. I had said how difficult this past year had been for me but that I was being given lessons on letting others serve me, to stop over thinking and to just start "doing".

December 8th "Happy Family Crafting" 

1. Advent 3-D tower structure
2. 3D Nativity Structure
3. 4 color and bake kits 
4. 1 suncatcher kit
5. 1 magic paint poster packet 
6. gift certificate to return if needed

I'm beginning to wonder if this is the 12 days of Christmas or something like it but there are no indications of that on the notes that are given. The bag it was given in was a snow man Christmas bag that had a torn off gift-label with a 'las' as the last part of the receivers name and from grandma and grandpa which was barely readable. On the back of the bag was another gift-label that was crossed off but you can clearly see that it says to: Karlee and From: Levi and Kalea, or Kalua or Kalia I'm not sure I can't read one of the letters. Whomever they are they have been spectacular knock and runners.

After this there was a whole week that went by and I was just getting comfortable with the kind gestures and thoughtfulness from our Secret Santa family. I even gave up the thought of writing some type of "thank you" note and leaving it on the door if they were to come by again. However on the 13th of December they came again and this time it was a present so large I can't even take a picture of it all for you. 

We were just about to get into the shower, all four of us. The hubby and my little bubba were wrapping up a face time with Gramma and Papa Gilliland, Faye was super tired, and I was already turning on the shower when the loud knock came and the Hubby began to exclaim that they came again with boxes of clothes for the kids! There was one small box for the little Lady and one small box for my little bubba. 

"But that's not all!" He exclaimed, "There are firemen dress up outfits in here too and a few stuffed animals!" This may not seem like such a big deal but I made a plan to take Little Bubba to the fire station for his 3rd birthday. How fitting it was that he could now also dress the part. But that's still not all. Apparently there were two more boxes, one filled with ties and shirts for the hubby and another with more NEW kids clothes and clothes for me. 

I got in the shower just filled with utter confusion and on the verge of tears although at this point I was sure what kind of tears they would be. This seemed much bigger than just the average 12 days of Christmas for your neighbors or friends, and even more so what didn't make sense was why it was us repeatedly. Did we look like we needed all this charity? Why was I questioning it when I was also SUPER grateful! I HAD just been thinking that very morning that I needed to go to the store and get Little Bubba more clothes. Did I deserve this if I was questioning it? Did I deserve it at all?

"It's not all," the Hubby had whispered by the curtain. He held up cards with our names on it, a $100 bill, and a gift card for target for $30. "And in my card it says to email this manager guy for a certificate for a fitted 3 piece suit, a shirt, and tie. How do they know?" 

How did they know? How did they know that we liked elephants for the little Lady and there was a little elephant rattle for her in all the baby clothes? How did they know that the Hubby had been wanting a new suit for a while but because they're a bit pricey we were waiting for it to fit in budget? How did they know that I was needing to go shopping for the kids so they wouldn't freeze when we traveled North for Christmas?

 Did they over hear conversations we don't remember having in public? was our house bugged?  

All jokes aside they didn't know. They didn't know any of it and they didn't know how we would feel receiving all this. In the note addressed to me it said, " As parents, we have taught our children that "Santa Claus" if the spirit of giving, in Christ. In that spirit, please accept these gifts of new and gently used clothes and toys for your family. For an unknown reason I was pulled to your lovely family. I don't know why, but when the spirit moved me I decided not to question it. As simple and humble as these offerings are, I am hoping I didn't offend in offering them. They were no longer useful here." 

I have no words. All I keep thinking is "I don't deserve this. There is probably another family that needs all these things way more than we do." but the thing is, maybe there isn't. She was pulled to us for a reason and maybe that reason has nothing to do with all the many wonderful gifts they gave to us. Maybe, just like she wrote in her notes I was supposed to learn how to receive these kind gestures in the spirit of Christ. 

I've been struggling with anxiety and anger all year and for some reason, amidst all this giving it's come back full force. I feel like I should be giving. I feel like I should be making others days and treating them but nothing seems right or worthy after what we've been given, and who would I give them to? So I'm writing them all down. Clearing my head, figuring out my lesson here, and recording it so that hopefully next year or some Christmas down the line I can give someone else a Christmas they'll remember. 

Maybe the purpose of all this is just like I mentioned before: to let people serve me as well as answering a few of my prayers lately. I just didn't expect these kind of answers. At the beginning of December I was starting to delve a little deeper in the Atonement and to pray that I could understand it better and what it means for me. I learned that in order to understand the atonement I would need to first understand humility and love. These generous acts have definitely been out of insurmountable love for others that they don't even know that well but have followed the promptings of the spirit to give just the right things that to others might seems as coincidences. It has also been a very humbling experience for us on the receiving end, to be accepting, and to not overthink it since it's been orchestrated in heaven. The atonement is at work here, I can feel it, but also for some reason I've been fighting it. 

My second prayer from the beginning of December was to not lose the real Christmas reason and feeling by getting lost in the hustle and bustle of it all and being filled with anxiety. Well, I still fell to anxiety and feeling like I myself am not doing enough for others this month. I had pictured more like the gifting and shopping when I prayed but I guess it was more of the obligations of what Christmas SHOULD be like in my head verses what it really is, and that I definitely got focused on. So maybe this was all a reminder to let it be and let God fill me with what I truly desire and prayed for, to let him work through others, to let him work through me. (Psalms 46:10)

Maybe, just maybe I AM making others Christmas season and giving service to others by letting them serve me. 

Maybe this is also a chance for me to just be grateful and thankful towards God's magnitude instead of nit picking a questioning every little thing. Something I also need to work on: Giving God the credit he deserves. 

You might be thinking exactly what I've been thinking right about now: "well that was a sweet and triumphant ending to the Secret Santa. It has to be it. How could they give more than that?" 

Well we're wrong. 

December 14th: 

1.  One handmade reversible apron 
2. Homemade banana bread in a cute little bread pan (it's not as cute as it was originally since we ate 2/3rds of it this morning for breakfast).  
3. Gingerbread House Kit 
4. Homemade apple butter (not pictured. I forgot about it) 

This time I questioned "who are these people? They're probably spending more on us for Christmas than we are on ourselves!" and today and still been rough up until I began to write this blog post and figuring it all out in my head. The hubby was able to see that their car was a black SUV and we all jumped about a foot in the air when they knocked at our door. Now we're just wondering how long they will keep doing it. The hubby thinks it will go up until Christmas.  Maybe its a Wednesday-Friday thing and will end on Little Bubba's birthday next week. Who knows? What I do know is that I haven't been accepting this generosity in the correct spirit and I need to just breath and enjoy.

December 22nd: 

The grand finale appeared only a few days before Christmas. The catch? All Little Bubba wanted all day was to go up north to the Hubby's side of the family, so we left a day early. That meant all of these gifts were left on our front porch. It just so happens that the missionaries wanted to come by for a visit and noticed that our gifts were still there and they called us and found out we had left so they took all the gifts to their apartment and brought them back to us when we came home on the 26th. I wish I could have gotten a picture of our missionaries standing on the porch with all the gifts around them and Walmart grocery bags in their hands. Even though we had a heads up from their phone call I was still shocked seeing it all in front of me. I asked if they'd bring it all in for me since Little Lady was cranky and ready for a nap. (Side note: The hubby was in the bathroom, I was in the bathroom with little Lady crying and little Bubba trying to run her over with his new bike and then when I was finished I had to change her diaper and THEN the doorbell rung). 

The missionaries brought in all the presents and also grocery bags with ham, green beans, rolls, and potatoes in it- a classic Christmas dinner.

And then I opened it all and was so overcome with emotion I couldn't even stand anymore. Not only were there gifts but there was gift cards and two notes that had the familiar "Seasons Greetings" on the outside of them. One said: "Happy Birthday Caleb!!! Hoping its full of happiness to the moon and back! Including birthday fun for everyone!" and the second said: "Old Navy and many others contributed to this day. They are willing to exchange anything that you need to. Gift receipts in moms gift bag. They are excited to meet your family. Most things including the food were donated by them." 

It was really that last note that hit me the hardest and once I started crying I couldn't stop. Little Bubba even asked me what was wrong to which I replied "Nothing! I'm not sad. I'm crying because people were so nice to us! All these presents were given to us by some really nice people. Heavenly Father sent his angels." 

Tears of gratitude. 

We were thought of and cared for by so much more than just one family that took the time to listen to every instruction and inspiration from God. More importantly was my reaction to this moment versus all the others; I think I learned this lesson. 

Christmas isn't always about the gifts. It's not about receiving the gifts or giving them; it's about the spirit of it all. Did we need more toys or clothes or food? No. Could some other family have benefited more from the Secret Santa family? Physically, yes. Was I grateful for all the new toys, treats, clothes, gift cards, etc? You bet. But this act of deep service went far beyond physical needs. The secret Santa family was drawn to our family to teach us a spiritual lesson of love, gratitude, humility, letting others serve you, and community. I don't even know how to fully word the experience I personally went through this Christmas season. All I know is that everything was beautifully orchestrated by God to fit our needs and that there is a sweet family who were willing to listen and follow the call of our Father in Heaven. If anything I can learn to listen more intently to God like the Secret Santa family did, and although it wasn't our tun to give this year I feel that our time will come to follow in their footsteps when we receive the inspiration and make some other families Christmas memorable and centered on Christ: the reason for the season, the only begotten, the shepherd, the redeemer, the Son of God and Lord of All. 

Merry Christmas

-Megan 

   

Mother like Faith

So sorry it's been practically a whole month since I posted but I wanted to do a bit more studying before posting this particular topic: faith; and not just any faith but having faith as a mom. Since I've been on this crazy journey this past year, apart of my metamorphosis has been to take small topics that stir my spiritual curiosity and explore it into new depths to emerge as a new being with a different perspective on the world. I believe this process isn't a once in a lifetime experience and that I'll probably go through something like this probably a few more times before I die, I mean haven't you heard of "midlife crisis"...yep...I believe it's the same thing. Remember that post about the pride cycle?

Yep...

Its...all...apart...of...the-plan!

I believe that we are constantly given lessons and experiences great or small to slowly learn what we personally need to become the person we need to become, and specifically in this topic: the woman, mother, and wife I need to become.

Did you know that there is a personal progress app? Yes, there is, and it's not just for the young women! It's an EXCELLENT study guide for mom's or any woman with a small amount of time! It's my next step in progression. I've downloaded the app, set a timer for 6:30 (which I don't always follow...BUT I can still read while I nurse!), and I read or do the task for the day that the app has sectioned off.

The very first experience in the whole personal progress program is Faith 1: "The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Learn about faith from the scriptures and living prophets...Read 2 general conference talks on faith. Exercise your own faith by establishing a habit of prayer in your life. Begin by regularly saying your morning and evening prayers. After three weeks of following this pattern discuss...what you have learned about faith and how daily personal prayer has strengthened your faith. In your journal express your feelings about faith and prayer." (edited from the personal progress program explanation for faith experience one. See https://www.lds.org/young-women/personal-progress/faith?lang=eng for more information!)

So I asked my "mothers in arms" what they thought a good balance was in "principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." as a nurturer/ a mother like it says in "The family: a proclamation to the world" on how to have a happy and successful family. 
This is what they had to say: 
*edited texts to fit the flow of my blog post*

"I think FHE is the key...I think coloring pictures of Jesus, walking around the temple, playing on the grass at the church building, reading books that have the scriptures made for kids...are great ways to start. You can make a matching game with the oass along cards or something...I think the more you expose them, the easier it will be for them to grasp the bigger concepts when they get to [an age that can understand those concepts.]"  -Katherine 

"...Remember that not everything has to be done every single day, it just becomes overwhelming. I try to implement a new activity every week or so to branch out, but I also don't get upset if she starts playing something up or being imaginative, I just roll with it...We have a kids scripture story book that helps too. We are not the best by any means at reading it every day, but we do try and they're easy enough that we can explain the basics of the story." -Tylene 

These texts reminded me of the Micheal Mclean song "Which part is mine" which used to always pull at my heart strings when I was younger because it was still a topic that was easy to relate to even without children. Now that I have children I understand this song in a whole new area with a different perspective. Having children is the most beautiful-heart breaking-anxiety-ridden-experience. The level of responsibility feels more like a weight then a badge of honor most of the time and a lot of times all I can think of it how every little thing I do is going to mess up my children in the future. In the song it says,

 " Every sleepless night knows many mothers who are

Wondering if they've done alright

And the dairyman's daughter knew more than a few of those nights.

Had she give her sons too much freedom?

Had she smothered her two teenage girls?

Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough

To prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens and she

Spoke of her children by name.

And the prayer that she prayed that her kids would be saved

Had a very familiar refrain…She said

"Which part is mine? And God, which part is yours?

Could you tell me one more time, cause I'm never quite sure

And I won't cross the line like I have before.

But it gets so confusing sometimes.

Should I do more or trust the divine.

Could you please tell me which part is mine and which part is yours?" 

Seriously?! Could this song get anymore real?

I'm sobbing just re-reading the lyrics. 

But just as my friends had said, everything comes in moderation and in it's own time. We can only work with the knowledge and experiences we have NOW. My own mom has told me quite a few times that she wishes she would have had all the availability of knowledge that the internet gives to all us new mommies because there are so many things she regrets. Well I can tell you that my oldest is almost three and I already have regrets of my own even though I DO have all this knowledge! Sometimes I feel like there is TOO much knowledge, people with their opinions on the best way to raise children and blah blah blah. Another friend of mine said "I think we've lost the ability to use our mothers intuition." That really hit home to me. I've been driving myself crazy trying to know EVERYTHING instead of turning to God and learning only what I need to know. 

1. Faith is WORK in all things 

"All we can do as mothers is work with what we've got and pray for the rest." 

Which is where faith to grow into my life again comes into play. I've always had the ability of faith I just needed to nurture it. 

A few Sunday's ago the question was posed " can your faith be a burden?" My ears instantly perked up and I got all defensive of my new found knowledge on faith. My answer was undeniably "no". There was then an immediate follow up question that I almost missed since I was instantly whispering to my hubby about how faith could in no way be a burden; this question was "can LACK OF faith be a burden?"

Yes. Yes 'lack of faith' itself can be a burden or something to overcome. I don't think faith itself can be a burden because faith is always alive in something. As I kind of mentioned a few sentences ago, I thought I didn't even have faith anymore, it's been something I've even struggled with this past year especially. I had hope in the smallest of things, being that I felt like what I was feeling wouldn't last long, that somehow and in someway I'd get through it. And I am, slowing taking those steps one challenge or trial at a time, for "ye receive no witness until AFTER the trial of your faith," (Alma 32:21 and Ether 12:6). All the faith in my life for each moment or experience has to be collected together and be stronger than every fear that I have. And in order for that to happen I've had to and will have to continue for a little while longer to WORK FOR IT!

2. Faith is Listening 

Faith is to have the spirit guide us to calling on God because of belief and in turn listening to Him when he speaks through others or the whispering of the spirit, thoughts, promptings and even dreams. 

(Romans 10:14-17)

To hear by faith is to have the Holy Ghost carry our hearts and bare witness and to be our listening ears. God has called before those who are not very eloquent in their words so that the people who are listening can know that it is by the spirit of God that they can hear and understand and also that the speaker can trust in the Lord to know what to say and how to say it. The spirit speaks in a language we have forgotten how to speak, but the Holy Ghost is our interpreter should we let him guide us by our very souls. Satan will try and overpower that testimony of belief and make you believe you never even had faith in anything to begin with...even to a point of being afraid to admit you might have one. However, by listening we will be able to find even the smallest of faith granules in what might seem as an insignificant "hope". Then slowly that insignificant little hope can turn into an unwavering belief all because you were looking and listening. (Jacob 4:4-7, revelation 19:10, Mosiah 18:9, Mormon 9:25, and D&C 10:33.) 

3. Faith is Courage 

Don't be afraid of what you believe and don't hold too much weight into some dooms-day-horrors. God knows all the directions of the world and no matter which your life may go your safety goes beyond the mortal body. To have true faith is to trust in God's plan NO MATTER WHAT because it is the perfect plan. Easier said then done, I KNOW. I myself feel like I have to have plans A-Z all thought through before I even begin on plan A, it's been a hard lesson for me to let it go and just jump sometimes. 

John 5:44, 12:39-42, and Proverbs 29:25  

About a month ago, as I was laying with my little Bubba before he went to sleep he was telling me that when it gets dark he gets scared. I then proceeded to tell him what I thought I SHOULD tell him even though I wasn't sure how it was true yet myself, that mommy and daddy and Jesus would keep him safe through the night. Ever since then it's almost been a nightly routine and every time I would feel as if I were forcing the words "Jesus will keep you safe" through my tightened throat. How could I be teaching my son this if I wasn't even sure I believed it myself? And then one particular night it really hit me hard. My little bubba told me he was scared at night and it was instantly followed by "but Jesus keep me safe." Instead of feeling proud that he was getting the concept and learning what trusting in God was my heart clenched and I wondered. "Would he? Have I been lying to my son this whole time? It didn't feel like a lie but I also don't know what God has in store for him. Would he keep him safe?" 

God doesn't save everyone from physical death and if the unthinkable were to happen to my little boy, would that mean I lied? 

Doubt has a way of capturing the hearts of many in a vise so tight that the heart can no longer beat and becomes hardened. Although no one has all the answers we CAN still practice our faith and in those areas we lack in we can ask God to help us in our unbelief.  With only one strong desire doubt can be ironed out. With at least a will to go forward we can become unwavering. With the faith that our souls are more important than the physical death, are we not actually saved? By searching and discovering gospel topics such as the atonement we can be given the peace of mind that we truly are safe, but it takes a whole lot of courage. 

4. Faith is the Gateway 

"For we walk by faith not by sight"

2 corinthians 5:7, Ether 12:20, and D&C 42:49, 67:10 

When we let go of all dear and doubt and only rely on faith, we will be able to 'see' the lords work not with our physical eyes but by our spirits and someday when our faith becomes strong enough to be a knowledge , nothing will be hidden from us just like the brother of Jared. Through the testing of our faith it will be revealed unto us the magnitude of Christs honor and glory resulting in our ultimate goal and importance of faith in our lives: to feel unimaginable joy and the salvation of our souls. 

1 peter 1:7-13

Learning more deeply the aspects of faith and especially in companionship with praying for 21 days my perspective was enlightened and bad days turned into challenges to overcome. I was able to study the scriptures more enthusiastically as I found words or phrases that made me curious or that excited me and then in turn it gave me something to pray about and to strive for throughout my day. Lastly my day ended with being able to put all my frustrations and blessing from the day on the line and review what I had earnestly prayed for in the morning. The strength from reflection made me more humble and curious instead of anxious and angry. Prayer and the faith behind it did in fact move mountains, just not the kind visible by the human eye but more of the obstacle of my stubborn personality and the influences on my children. 

As a mother, wife, daughter, or woman it is important for me to turn the the Father of all things because when I don't know how to react, explain, or understand my own family (or really anyone), God can and as I prayed for many times he helped me to see my babies instead of slave drivers and he helped me to "speak with the spirit" and desire to become a priestess in my own home. 

With love, 

Megan 

Letter to a Relative

As we have continued to do our Sunday Jar objectives (slowly I might add) I've discovered that some may be hard to do with smaller children such as the ones Lil Man and I have picked these past two Sundays:
1. Make phone calls or write letters to those special friends and loved ones to let them know you're thinking of them
AND
2. Family Activity: Play the scripture hunt game. Each player takes a different page of scriptures. After reading that page, each player then writes a one sentence question, the answer to which is found some where on the page. At the signal, swap pages and questions. The first player to locate the correct answer to his question is the winner.

The first one is obviously not terribly difficult as we contact our littles grandparents fairly often via phone calls , videos, pictures, and visits, but I wanted to go BIGGER: Call or write a letter to someone we haven't talked to for awhile so that they know we're thinking of them and that they feel special.

But who??

The second one is more of a head scratcher..."how on earth do I make this game into a toddler version when he has the attention span of a teaspoon?"

We might just have to pass that one up this time around.

Anyway, this week has been considerably better than the previous week. We've been moving slower than the slime off a snail, but we have been moving and I'm excited about the direction we are going and all of the destinations we are heading to. It's so nice to be filled with hope and peace again and to be enraptured by the soundproof room of prayer. It's been amazing to let go and to let God give me that extra patience I didn't know even existed. Every time I thought I had, "Had enough", there was more which has been super necessary in teaching Lil Man the difference between hugs and choke holds.  Don't get me wrong, this is only a small bright spot in the whirlwind of many challenges, I'm simply pointing out that it's nice to have something to hold onto again.

Speaking of which tonight has been a good night for reconnecting.

Once a month my little family of four go out to eat at the magical place known affectionately by Lil Man as "Gramma's house," or what I call in by passing conversation with Dax as "my families house." Either way we take the 15 minute drive out in the eastern part of town to spend sometime with our family and tonight we also had the company of Grandma Nerrings.

I asked her about Oma and Opa and found out in more specifics that Oma was born in the United Sates whereas Opa moved here from Holland when he was 8 years old. They both lived in Utah for a time but never actually met there, instead they met in California and had their children, one of which being my grandma. I learned that Opa actually tried to teach the kids dutch but it would confuse Oma so she asked him to stop.

However, there was a young dutch child that went to school and didn't know any English, Opa was gracious enough to go to school to translate for them and they sometimes met after school for dinner. One of these times Opa was having a conversation with the father about something and even though my grandma couldn't remember how to speak Dutch she understood their whole conversation and can still count to 10.

I also learned that she has traveled to Holland and did normal tourist things but not much by the way of visiting any relatives or homes or graves. Either way I found my heart smiling as I listened to my grandma tell me little tidbits about the great grandparents I have yet to meet and a hunger to learn more, but not just LEARN more but EXPERIENCE more.

In the sang words of Ariel, the Little Mermaid "I want to be where the people are, I want to see, want to see them dancing."

So...

Dear Relatives,
We haven't met yet but I'm hoping soon our paths will cross and we can come together in memories and histories and perhaps even make our own in our life times. I hope that all is well where you are and that the sky's twinkle and the mountains and hills roll in the breeze. I hope in the meantime you'll breath deeply and peacefully and that you find your place in this world rooted as deep as an oak. Know that it's the trials and challenges in life that humbles us and makes us remember God because without him we are nothing and without him there are no moments in time to be whole. I hope that as we all strive for this same and complete sense of purpose and work through the stickiness of healing wounds that we will remember that we are on the same team and you and I will be cheering on one another. Never give up, for with an uphill battle soon comes a downhill advantage. You must fight to get stronger and to see ahead.
Until we meet,
Vaarwel
(goodbye)
Megan

Succumb to The Pride Cycle

Throughout all of history man has fallen to a pattern known to some as "The Pride Cycle". We go from blessings and abundance to pride and sin to being warned by religious leaders or even in some cases motivational and political leaders or as in cartoons a big

TURN BACK NOW

Sign warning us to repent of those sins and pride to continue to obtain the previous blessings and abundance and most often than not the WARNINGS we receive are then solidified by destruction, suffering, and the natural consequences of our actions until we again become humble and repent again.

I thought the pride cycle often as being painted in hues of black, or brown, or even off shades that disgust and repulse so that you'll never want to go through the pride cycle and stay perfect your whole life.

There has been so much in the past 8 months since I had the Little Lady about myself and more importantly aspects of the Gospel in different ways I've never even thought of before. The pride cycle has been the most recent "Ah-ha" moment for me but it all started from building myself up from the ground.

My confidence, self esteem, faith, testimony, hope, and all else that I felt to make up my whole being had been cracked by the dark cloud of anxiety and tight hold of the adversary. I didn't know it at the time but this was to be my biggest battle yet and during those first moments I felt as though I was sure to crumble under pressure, admit defeat, and crawl under a rock and slowly wither away. Every part of my vision was clouded and I was so full of fear that I could no longer feel anything else but anger.

Part one was healing my identity in super small acts such as writing down goals and listing MY priorities; listen to Pod Casts from women like Jody Moore, Heather MacFadyen, and Jami Balmet; keeping scriptures open and available around the home, walk bare foot outside, ignore "advice pages" and look for uplifting quotes, de-clutter (especially electronically like social media addictions and distractions), etc.

"A Spiritual awakening is when shed off all your old layers to become a real and stronger you; sometimes through feeling like depression, rage, and anxiety. It is your inner voice telling you that you're ready to grow." 

Part Two included a lot of the same things as part one but I slowly added to them like starting a bullet journal to categorize my priorities and put them into themed months so I could focus more on the now instead of "not having enough time to finish it all"; continuing to listen to pod casts based on what I needed that day weather it be teaching or self assurance; continuing to read scriptures as often as possible and to also say a prayer or two; going outside more often and going to church even when I didn't feel like it; approach advice pages or advice from friends and family with caution but rely mostly on "motherly intuition" and let a little hope back in; journal all thoughts to give relief to my over working brain; continue to de-clutter and slowly create a cleaning habit; look for a positive in each day, etc. 

"I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let my worry control me. I will not let my stress level break me. I will simply breathe. And it will be okay, because I don't quit." -Shayne McClendon 

And now I'm currently in part three where I'm still bullet journalist but I'm not relying on it as heavily, I've replaced some pod casts with the recent General Conference talks, I get up at 6-6:30am everyday to read scriptures which transitioned into downloading the personal progress app and having it remind me everyday to read or pray or study, I'm heading in a direction of being more involved with outside and my family, Dax and I have reevaluated our finances and have put budgeting into action, I've written a bucket list, I've started up our blog again and have written in Little Man's journal a few times, we've had friends over (although that's not new to this stage), I'm creating habits and letting faith grow again and hope bloom. 

I'm still in no way perfect and still struggle with anxiety and a testimony but as I'm in this stage and studying more I've had the thought that I'm going through the pride cycle and that, that's okay. I even wondered that maybe-like with all things that are also "not a coincidence" - the pride cycle was intended for man to continually shed off those old layers and to become closer and closer to God in "slow reform into perfectness" as long as we don't get stuck in the middle of the pride cycle. My thought continued that if I let the pride cycle work it's course I will be as it mentions in Hebrews 11:13, 25, Hebrews 5:8, and Joseph Smith History: someone who went through my own "hard times" to become obedient and stronger so that I can say that I was destined to be a destroyer to the adversary.  

-Megan