Weighted Journals

Weighted Journals

Where I started created the present I'm in now, but that doesn't mean I have to dwell there.
From writing my first journal entry in 2002, through off and on writing about my day and emotions, to the blogging I've been doing now I've learned and grown into who I am today. So I'll hold onto those lessons and moments of growth but I don't need the evidence of heart break and drama to lug around in the forms of my hand written journals any longer.

I've struggled with the idea of getting rid of my journals. Whether they are good or bad (at least half of them are not that great) I felt like I should keep them because they are still a bit of my history but honestly after just reading my 2nd and 3rd journals I just couldn't read them anymore. It was a good thing I summarized my journals in later versions so I could just look in the back of them and see the general information I wrote out.

I wrote 9 journals of my life and 2 journals of just spiritual experiences. I'm only keeping 6 out of all 11. I still feel an attachment to the 5 I want to get rid of for the aforementioned motion of it being my history no matter how much it apparently still hurts to read my heart being broken or all the initial choices I made or thoughts I had that were really not in my best interest. As a fair compromise I'm going to summarize them VERY briefly on this blog post as if I were talking to someone who wanted to know my life story. In other words, not all the details will be present, just moments in my life that were turning points for me; a timeline of sorts. *NOTE* no matter how brief I tried to make it this is still a long post. sorry!*

Journal #1:
This journal went from 2002- 2005 and contained the most evidence of my growth as a writer and story teller. I begin by saying friends that I have and the type of soap I used, food I've eaten, and crushes I've had. It has a good feeling attached to it and I can't help but laugh at my younger self  especially when I write something like "we got lip gloss and my kind was Vanilla Frosting. Yum. it protects and smooth's my lips. bye." It even had a few big moments in it like

• Tuesday July 15th 2003 (I didn't actually specify the year but I'm assuming that is the case based off of the previous entry) -Started My Period. 
• Friday June 11th 2004- I got my Ears Pierced 
• Monday Febuary 14th 2005- My first Valentine 

Journal #2:

2005-2006

This journal hurt the most to read. I was going through a lot of emotions from being kind of "a thing" with my first Valentine to feeling very alone. If there is anything I've gotten from this journal it's that I wish I could tell myself that he wasn't what love really looked like. It didn't look like name calling, weird physical gestures( a foot in the face for example), pretty compliments, ignoring, pressure (like a first kiss for example), or immaturity. However, being the stubborn 13 year old that I was maybe wouldn't have listened anyway because I thought I knew it all.  The good news is closer to the end of the journal I was barely getting a grasp on all of that, knowing that I was just apart of a tug of war of wits and I didn't need nor deserved to be treated that way. The bad news was it was after I gave my first kiss away. 

• Friday July 15th 2005- First Kiss

"A kiss is an evidence of love, not an evidence of lust--but it can be. Dont ever let a kiss in your courtship spell lust. Necking and petting are lustful; they are not love...i don't mind [you] kissing each other after you have had several dates;...not the kiss of passion, but the kiss of affection" -Spencer W Kimball 1959

Journal #3:

2006-2007

This journal gets a little messy in the emotional department. I'm really trying to figure things out here but luckily for me this is the first journal I add a summery of in the very back of the journal so I don't have to read the whole thing. Things still aren't exactly over with Valentines Day guy because he keeps flip flopping with what he says which confuses the heck out of me (the writer in me still wants to know exactly what happened). Other guys start coming into my life, choices and changes, friends to foes, blessings, books, death in the family, and even traveling. This is the journal of the proverbial falling off the horse and starting to pick myself up. 

• April 20th 2006- I fell down at least 7-8 steps causing the worst spraining of my ankles in my life. At 7:39 am before school my mom was heading back to the school and the ambulance was called and was heading to pick me up. I had always wondered about the stories behind the sirens and now I knew this one. I was driven to the hospital, x-ray's, given pain medication, and sent home with two sore and swollen but very lucky ankles. I was out of school for a little while and even when I went back I was wheeled around for about a week and then crutches for another while. 
• May 13th 2006- First Mormon Stake dance since I was 14! 
• August 4th 2006- My first trip with a friend and my first time at a water park 
• August 17th 2006- First day of Seminary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
• August 20th 2006- My patriarchal blessing was given
• October 21st 2006- My Grandpa on my dads side Passed away and we had his funeral

Journal #4:

2007-2008

This journal is less scattered and more black or white, not really any in between. I had moments in this journal that were positive and a wealth of memories that came from experiences through traveling to important and historical monuments of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I almost want to keep this one but for just as high as experiences that there were, there was also some severe lows. In other words my own version of the "rebellious stage"; black attire and bad boyfriend included. 

• May 15th 2007- Break up with the "Bad Boy". I only put this as a significant moment because this is when it really all hit home for how I should be treated as not only a blossoming woman but just a person in general. It was a relief and also scary at the same time. It made me realize that in a persons darkest moments it truly shows what kind of person they are capable of being. Whether that be a person who never gives up even if by being hurt they may say things they shouldn't or a person who becomes a black hole. It doesn't mean that they will always be that way. We were teenagers after all and there are these slopes in our lives where sometimes we figure it out and sometimes we droop lower. However, in that moment and period of my life I'm glad I saw a different path and got him out of my life ESPECIALLY how he reacted to breaking up with him. 
• June 13th 2007- My first Pioneer Trek (this is actually in one of my spiritual journals but it's the same time period)
• July- My mom took all of us kids on a road trip to see Temples, Nauvoo, Joseph Smiths home, and even the Niagra Falls and a bit of Chicago and Minnesota where a boy who helped me get out of so many situations that really weren't in my best interests but as I've already stated taught me anyway. In a way he was my life line to what a true friend really looked like and I only wish I returned the favor more. 
• September- I got the farthermost I ever have for trying to audition for a movie. This one happened to be for the Twilight movie by Stephanie Meyer. I made calls constantly and left messages only to be told I needed an agent or something. In the end they chose an actress for the part and I never got to actually audition. 
• November- I took my permit test twice and ended up passing the second time! 

 Journal #5

2008 (It was one of if not my smallest Journal)

This journal is a bit of a lull with a burst of strong emotions ( it's what happens when you have a crush on a Mormon Missionary, totally not worth the headache). Its a journal of me getting the last large chunk of crazy off my chest. I think I was preparing a lot at this time changing from adolescence into real womanhood. I was dreaming a lot in this journal and making goals even though some of those dreams were a little off it was still a good time for me to have hopes and dreams to keep me going and to put into place and motions the real, deep, and true things of my heart. 

• April- My sweet 16. It was sweet but nothing like the movie versions (curse you media and my high expectations!) 
• April 15th-Legalized Driver with driver licence included (of course). 
• April- I went to my first Mormon Prom 
• May 20th-21st- GED orientation and testing (spoiler: I passed!) 

Journal #6

2008-2009

• August 24th 2008- Started college classes (spoiler: I still don't have a degree in anything just a bunch of credits equal to a AA-degree)
• August 8th 2008- My first real date with a nice guy (just to clarify I never had dates just boyfriends up to this point although I REALLY wish I would have waited for the dates or asked boys out myself when I turned 16! Seriously makes a difference, but once again, I still learned from it all!) 
• September 30th 2008- Started my first Job at Subway 
• January 31st 2009- First winter formal for Flag High with one swell guy. (Spoiler: I dated him the longest and was always treated with respect and love. I'm thankful for our relationship even though it was not meant to be.)
• June 5th-6th 2009- GED Graduation Day and Celebration 

Journal #7-#9

I'm keeping these so I've decided not to write about them (even though I blogged the 1st one and I'm keeping that one) but I will say that I only feel like I keep progressing. It may be slow and I may slide back at times but overall I think I'm becoming a strong and better person through it all. I keep telling myself lately that this and whatever is coming up in my life is meant to be. I can do hard things. 

So as I close these journals for good I just want to say if feels good to remember and to forgive. It feels good to not only emotionally let these things go but also a physical representative. I'm only bonded by the challenges and hardships but I'm not longer chained to those moments. I've got this, and so do you. 

-Megan