Our Factory Reset

 Part Two to the blog post about ‘Body Language’. Writing began on the 7th of January, 2025. 

Although my main focus was to gain a relationship with my body I did also have other motivations and a specific weight goal. Roughly around September of 2023 is when I became aware of how much weight I had accumulated and would continue to do so if I hadn’t become aware of where I was and how I was ignoring all of the signals from my body. 

We had a Disneyland trip coming up in March of 2024 and I knew that if I were to go in my current state I’d have a much more difficult time getting around and less enjoyment while I was there. So I set a goal to loose 20 pounds by that Disneyland trip, but even if I didn’t meet it, it would be okay because my actual goal was health improvements. 

As I left off in the last blog post, I was going to our gym on base. This gym had a play area for kids so I could watch them and work out at the same time, which was seriously the best thing ever and I think all gyms should have it. On average, I was working out for about 20 minutes with whatever felt right, about three days a week.

 If I was feeling more sluggish and unmotivated to work out I’d walk the treadmill or stationary bike that whole 20 minutes; If I felt like my thighs or glutes needed some focus I’d work on the hip abductor/adductor machine, the leg press machine, and or the hamstring leg-curling-lying machine; Sometimes I felt the need to target my torso, so I would use the rotary torso machine; and then more towards the end I felt like my arms could use a little workout too so I’d occasionally do tricep curls using a sitting triceps extension machine that had a separate pull for each arm which would start above the head and then extend outward and down. 

Oftentimes I worked with the menstrual cycle ideology of  being more gentle in workouts at the tale end of one cycle and the very beginning of the next cycle. There is a lot more in depth information about this out in this cyber world including specific exercises to when and the reasons behind it but in order to gain actual success in my health journey the more simple the better. What this actually comes down to is as stated above and in the previous blog post: listen to your bodies needs. If your body is sore, tired, sluggish and grumpy don’t do a rigorous exercise and push it to the brink of insanity and a breakdown. Don’t let it just lay there either because bodies need movement. It might want to be a couch potato all day but you go to the gym anyway. Just give it a more gentle workout instead. 

Because I started going to the gym, as I stated in my previous blog post, my weight didn’t really go anywhere. It would fluctuate and occasionally move down a pound or two and then fluctuate there. I had to remind myself many times that my main goal was health, not losing 20 pounds! Especially the closer we got to our trip when I got SO close to weighing my goal weight of 130lbs. 

I didn’t make that goal but I was extremely close and even better was I enjoyed that trip. Because I had strengthen up my muscles I was able to avoid many physical discomforts. I felt good and that was what I really wanted. 

Then when we got home from our trip I got a little surprise of seeing 130 pounds more often than not.

All of 2024, right up until September when we moved to a whole other country, I kept up with everything as best as I could but I was looking for the next thing and thought I had found it in “Fasting like a Girl” by Dr. Mindy Pelz. After our Disneyland trip we had a family reunion for my husbands side of the family where my sister in law told me all about Dr. Mindy Pelz and even gifted me the book above. Overall the ideas from Dr. Pelzs research sounded like my next right step and because it went with the woman’s menstrual cycle, and I had just began a new one, I jumped right in. 

That was a mistake. 

And not because it didn’t work to some extent but because it left my body feeling betrayed. I had just spent the past six months working on strengthening my relationship to my body in simple and loving steps. I was working on listening to it and now all of a sudden without any warning I wasn’t feeding it at all or wouldn’t let it have certain foods because according to Mindy Pelz, there are foods to avoid if you’re looking for optimization while following a fasting schedule. It was never pushed. There were many clearly put instances that fasting alone, even if you ate pizza right afterwards, was still beneficial. In fact there were lots of good insights and experiences as I experimented with the 'what I thought might be' my next step. 

Because it’s difficult to understand tone from words written down before I move on I would like to just clearly state that there is nothing inherently wrong about “Fasting like a Girl” and I still believe that there is something I needed from experimenting with it and there are still parts of it that I want to incorporate but because I had approached it the way I did it left me in this strange land of uncertainty for the rest of 2024. I had done the very thing I was hoping to avoid when starting this journey which was to essentially keep my focus of progression and not of perfection. It was to keep my communication open with my body, to listen, to strengthen, and to hold healthy boundaries. 

I had crossed all those boundaries and my body was mad; not in the sense that it didn’t feel great, but in the same characterization I’ve been giving it in these blog posts as a real and living being. 

I didn’t know where to go and when we moved and I wanted to try all the 'new to me foods' put in front of me with very little resolve and restraint I’m now in another reality check figuring out my next steps. 

I’d like to change a bit of what I said in my last post, stage four, to fit this situation, perhaps even as a step 5.

 Fifth, Simplify. 

If you try something new and it doesn’t work how you expected, or worse it seems like you’ve set yourself back, don’t take this as a reflection that you’re not doing enough of the “right things”. If anything it might be a reflection that you are doing TOO much of these “right things”. This could be too much eating again, too much exercising, too much restriction, or even something that is too foreign to you right now in where you are at. Remember that you’re ever revolving in a boundary cycle. You’ve taken initiative to try something new, you’ve found new things that work and ones that’s definitely don’t, you may feel lost and frustrated because the errors outweigh the efforts right now, you may see the benefits of what you’re wanting to try but it’s just not for you right now, and you may even be avoiding the things you feel you need to do because you don’t want to face the grief of giving up something you’ve grown attached to. This is where I am at right now. 

Sometimes I think we try something new so that we don’t have to face what is already there to be worked with. As if trying this new thing will fix our problems so we can still have what it is we’re wanting. Inflammation, hormone imbalance, and blood sugar levels are all topics that have been on my radar that, if handled correctly, I feel like could help me to feel better. But in order to follow this path to the next step I might have to let go of things I love to eat or even the expectations I have. 

This is the step that might feel the most disappointing because you were doing SO good and making real progress! At this reevaluation pit stop I think it might be a good time to highlight the popularity of diets seeing as that’s what really throws most of us off, only making it harder to “start up” again the next go around. That’s what threw me off, and as I stated previously there isn’t anything inherently wrong with the "Fast like a Girl" diet or really any other diets for that matter. In my opinion, all diets have just as many people who praise it as it does just as many who tear it apart. I’ve come to the conclusion, from not only trying a few myself over the years but also by observation, that with most if not all “diets” there is always a simple truth that is fluffed up to make it more than it is.  

Remember, this journey, or rather this step specifically, isn’t about you not doing enough of the “right things” but more focused on how there are too many “right things” to do. My opinion is as humans we like to take the simple things and make them overly complicated. Mostly I think this is something we feel is necessary because how else can you not only tell someone else about it being successful but also have them also believe in it? Especially because most people discount simplicity even if we all crave it. Maybe it’s a trust issue thing. Maybe it’s just me talking to future me who ends up struggling again. 

The thing is, is regardless of the amount of fluff, or supporting evidence that surrounds it, the simple truth it still rings. It’s still interacting with every soul looking for it in one way or the other. The difference is what kind of attention we give to it, how much overthinking we give to it, or how much we try to ignore it because it doesn’t fit personal narratives. 

Without further staying off on the whole general truth topic I’m so passionate about, let’s bring this back to what this has to do with diets. Although I’ve observed many different diets in this post I’ll just stick with ones I’ve tried a well as ones that have spoken a truth to me. 

Raw food Diet - this diet I didn’t actually try as a diet but I did do a zucchini lemon noodle recipe once that I liked a lot and I’ve been drawn to it because of its main truth: eat naturally . 

Paleo/Whole30 - This was probably the first diet I actually tried. Although like with all of the diets I’ll be discussing I didn’t try it to its exactness. In my opinion, that’s actually one reason I feel most diets fail: they’re too ridged. There is no room to customize for your personal dietary needs. There are rules, restrictions, restrictions disguised as guidelines, timelines, an over abundance of supporting research, evidence, testimonials or proof, expenses, and probably more I’m missing. When did we make the simple act of eating so complicated? Most of the answer to this question comes down to a void that someone felt needed to be filled such as health issues, downhill in the quality of consumed products, political agendas, processes and quick food production, financial situations, and again probably more than what I’m listing here. 

When people look for answers, others who have pioneered in those questions share what answers they have found. It’s always been this way, diets or not. Unsatisfied with answers, people will continue to look. However, as stated previously, this often leads to overlooking the truth. In a search for answers we can stray very far from the very simple truth that’s been there all along. The whole 30 diet for example, I tried in part because I was pregnant with a chronic yeast infection. I also tried it because some others in our life at the time were trying it. I felt pretty good on that diet even though I didn’t follow it completely. I found recipes I really enjoyed and still think about today but it’s influence in my life was short lived due to the strict regime and 30 day rule. What is the truth this diet shares that can be overlooked by it's rules or frustrations? Eat food as unprocessed as possible. That’s it! Everything else about the diet is just one out of many possibilities to turn the idea into reality. I’m really grateful, even today, for this diet because it has allowed a lot of healthy replacements for things I’ve loved but that do not have healthy ingredients. 

Calorie Counting Diet - This one probably has aligned with me the most and the one I was following post pregnancy in 2017. The particular diet I followed was led by “Fitness Carli” on Instagram. At the time that was her Instagram handle but I believe it has now changed.  It’s the only diet program I followed the most closely as her method was to simplify as much as possible and I could still have some foods I liked that she labeled as “sanity points”. She had food groups with certain calories to have in each and a simple one page form you could fill in. You could even be apart of her challenges and online support groups. She was an example of success and many others also gained success from her meal plan and program and continue to, even with her major life challenges of beating cancer and shifting her program and rebranding. The reason this program didn’t stick is I stressed about how many calories were in foods and that I wasn’t being exact with those calories. It was also for weight loss and at a time I was having postpartum anxiety and depression. The truth about calorie counting diets? We should eat only what our bodies are needing and educate ourselves of good, better and best fueling sources. 

Three Day Military Diet - with my husband joining the Air Force I was very interested in ways he could prepare for that and what kinds of foods they would eat at BMT. That’s where I found the three day diet. This diet was really more for fun but it still taught me about not limiting yourself just because you believe that certain food should go together or that you have to be stuck in "exactness" because a recipe call for certain foods to go together. For example hotdogs and buns usually go together but in the Military diet they were eaten without buns, Crackers and cheese were all there was for lunch, and for breakfast sometimes it was a single peanut butter toast with a half of a grapefruit. Was this a sustainable diet? No way! It still wasn't a good diet even when I did try to make it better by taking the same principal of watching the amount eaten and making similar meals for a whole month. 

Vegan Diet - This diet has grown in popularity and because of it more animal free products have become available for everyone. Even more so it’s been more achievable because of women like Tabitha Brown who shows that being vegan doesn’t have to be complicated. I was drawn to this diet for its main truth of respecting life. It also helped my sensitivity to eggs and dairy by giving me recipes that don't have those. I still ate meat but by adding many vegan or vegetarian recipes makes it easier for eating meat more sparingly and consciously. I believe eating meat is essential to life but it doesn’t need to be the spotlight to the meals and we should respect the life given to sustain us and our families. The vegan diet isn’t sustainable because of this, in my opinion,  but also because it’s a highly processed diet which goes against other diets that root for Whole Foods (unless you’re going more raw vegan and eating only vegetables, fruits, and simple grains and legumes as pure as possible).

Anti inflammatory, Blood Sugar, and Hormones - There were a lot of diets I was eyeballing during this time such as the GERD diet because I was feeling a lot of acid reflux. Most of my acid reflux was solved by just eating less, not by following a diet. It also didn’t feel right so I didn’t get into it, I also looked into the anti inflammatory diets and elimination diet because I felt like I was still having reactions to certain foods such as dairy and eggs. These were hit and miss. Sometimes I’d be fine eating eggs or drinking dairy and could never really figure out these sensitivity triggers. This drew me to anti inflammatory diets and elimination diets but I also didn’t look too much into those because those seemed to restrictive for me and to be REAL honest I didn’t want to give up what I loved: cheese. Something I was also drawn to that I have been trying and feel like it works is seed cycling which helps with hormone health. Finally, my blood sugar which goes hand in hand with hormone health and the intermittent fasting below. I haven’t gotten into this completely but I have been able to replace a few food items already in my diet for more stable blood sugar like sugar alternatives such as coconut sugar and honey. The truth exposed within these diets is finding the root cause. No diet will serve you well if you don't understand first how these foods interact with your own body and why some foods cause reactions. 

Intermittent Fasting - Before I attempted the fast like a girl diet I tried many times to put together what felt like the right course of action for meal planning for myself and my family and every time I thought I had it all figured out I’d find other reasons it didn’t work. Then as stated at the beginning of this post I felt like fasting was my next step because of its main truth; Aside from it’s spiritual benefits, is it’s ability to detox, restart, and refresh the whole body. I’m not going to go into all the details Dr. Mindy Pelz says, mostly because I’m trying to simplify things and I already feel like I've added too much to this blog post, however to paraphrase her work: fasting allows the body to completely heal itself, deeply. I got so excited about this because I was doing everything else I felt I could do and this sounded like a nice fresh start but the reasons it didn’t stick are very similar to those of the other diets: it was overly complex: eat during these 5 days, don’t have carbs during these 5 days, fast during these days, have apple cider vinegar everyday, etc. I still think this is an important truth to implement in my life but it needs to be more simplified so it’ll actually stick and become an actual change for my life.

Sixth, attachment. 

Identify your attachments. If you don’t know or are ignoring your attachments you won’t know what it is that’s working against you. Starting off by asking yourself 'why is it I eat this' is a good place to start. Is it because you’re actually hungry or are there other reasons? Are you bored? Are you craving something? Is the food just readily available so you eat some? Are you afraid of missing out because friends or family are eating at a time you’re not actually hungry? Is it something new you’ve never tried and you really want to? Are you the primary meal provider and since you have to make all the food you might as well eat now? Are you projecting your hunger cues to come at a bad time so if you’re going to eat you better eat now? 

Are you holding onto food that your body is rejecting because you love it? Why do you love it? Is there a good enough replacement that is better for your body?

To help yourself with these attachments, craft a plan that slowly incorporates what is best for you and your body. Use what you’ve learned about what your body needs from the simplifying step where you identified what drew you to certain diets and what their main purposes were. Reflect on why certain foods feel comforting or necessary. Journaling about your thoughts before and after meals can help identify patterns. Create non-food-based rituals (e.g., stretching, meditating, or drinking tea) to fill emotional gaps.

Seventh, resilience. 

Practice intuitive eating practices. This can help to strengthen your responses to your body’s cues. If you listen to it now it may be more likely that it’ll listen to you later. For example if you’re not hungry but you project hunger at an hour, say nine in the evening because you're not hungry at six, don’t just eat for the sake of trying to avoid being hungry at that late hour. If you’re needing to make food for your starving family but you’re not actually hungry don’t just eat because the food is there and they are eating. Sit with them and enjoy their presence. 

When you are hungry create an environment for peaceful eating. Make plans to lessen the stress of not knowing what to make for dinner, allow yourself plenty of time to enjoy the process of preparing those meals, and consciously eat more slowly regardless of the chaos that may be present around you. 

Practicing these minor bouts of only eating when you actually need to will help you get to fasting for longer periods of time especially now that you’ve addressed your attachments and made more healthy replacements. 

Once you feel like your truly listening to when and what your body needs and supplying it with good foods to support all of your goals you can stretch those periods of time between eating just a bit longer, testing out things like going down to two meals verses three. Keep a log of how your body feels with these changes. Celebrate milestones, like successfully pausing between meals or completing a mini-fast. View fasting as a positive, refreshing step rather than deprivation. Visualize how fasting will benefit your energy, health, and goals, reinforcing a healthy relationship with it.

Eighth, fasting. 

Once you’ve established a balanced relationship with food and reduced emotional attachments, gradually ease into fasting. Here’s how:

1. Start Small:

   • Begin with short fasts (12–16 hours overnight, including sleep) and slowly extend as your body adapts.
   • Practice intermittent fasting one or two days per week before committing to longer periods.

2. Hydrate and Support Your Body:

   • Focus on hydration with water, herbal teas, and electrolytes.
   • Add lemon, ACV, cucumber, or mint to water. 
   • Coconut water is also good. 
   • Focus on teas such as turmeric, dandelion root, peppermint, ginger, hibiscus, cinnamon, moringa, tulsi, ginseng and fennel. 
   • Include nutrient-dense meals during eating periods to ensure your body feels nourished.
   • Foods such as pineapple, papayas, sauerkraut, kefir, kimchi, yogurt, avocado, spinach, kale, and arugula are good detox supporters. 
   • Add liver and kidney supports such as milk thistle, 100% cranberry juice, and turmeric or cur-cumin. 

3. Monitor Your Mental and Physical State:

   • Keep track of how fasting affects your energy levels and emotions. Adjust as needed to avoid burnout.
   • Focus on gentle movement, sweating, and epsom salt baths. 

4. Celebrate Progress:

• Recognize small wins along the way, whether it’s successfully sticking to a fasting period or noticing improvements in how you feel.
5. Refine & Evolve
• Once fasting becomes more natural, focus on optimizing and evolving your entire approach. Revisit your goals, adjust your methods, and continue listening to your body.

Body Language

This is a story about your body.

In the beginning Body was created by God using the same materials of the Earth, binding us to mother nature herself. However, Body wasn't all dust. Body was created after God's 'likeness', His image. 

Body reflects God's majesty like all of God's creations; but Body wasn't made to just be another one of God's creations. Body was made like God's body was made. Body had a higher calling from God Himself. 

Body wants nothing more than to do good in the sight of God, to be a safe haven and to provide for what Soul (that's YOU) needs through their journey on Earth. 

Body LOVES Soul and would do anything that Soul wanted it to do, as long as it was allowed by God. 

Sometimes Body is given limitations. 

God says this helps many souls. 

Sometimes Body wants what it shouldn't have. 

God says this helps many souls too. 

Sometimes scary things happen to Body that Body doesn't understand and holds onto for a long time. 

God says that each soul was given agency but that through Him all things will be made right and that someday Body will be perfected once more. 

Body continues to serve Soul however it can. 

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2023, the Year of the Body

written on 12/7/23

As I have been focusing on my own body this year, and reflecting back on it, this blog started to form on it's own. That's usually a good sign that I've learned enough of this lesson to then share about it. This isn't always the case, though. Sometimes the lesson itself is sharing before I feel like I know anything. By doing that God shows me that I was learning more than I thought I did. Or, just like a quiz, it gives me a marker for where more improvement can be had.

Looking up the definition of improvement, the parts of the definitions that stood out to me were "makes something better" and "something that enhances value or excellence". My favorite word out of all of this is "enhance"; to "increase, or further improve the quality, value or extent of". 

When we seek improvement it doesn't mean that we just force into fruition our own desires but rather that we further enhance what was already there in the first place. We take where we are at currently "over a greater expanse of space or time; for a longer way." (That's one of the definitions of further).

We are called by God to move forward, not just to sit in where we currently are as if it is "good enough". Sure it is "good enough" for now, but not over a 'greater expanse of space and time'. We aren't just living for our 'now' because our 'now' builds our futures. We do however need to be observant and present in our 'now' so that we can see the areas of our life that are calling out to us for "improvement"; or as I've been calling them on this blog "life lessons". 

Last year I had the strong inclination that this year would be the "Year of the Body" as last year was "The Year of the Mind" for me. My body became one of the many lessons I would learn this past year. 

Being the story lover that I am, and as this blog began to write itself in my mind, I thought it would be impactful to give our bodies some character. I wanted to open the blog up with that character of Body to better emphasize each step I took this "Year of the Body". 

First, love Body.

This part, for many, is the hard part and therefore has been glorified as "body positivity" or "body love". In an article titled "Is Body Love Realistic?" written by Christine DeFilippis on AceFitness.org she goes over topics like "body positivity", "body neutrality", and "body liberation" saying that "having body love, being body confident, or having a positive body image is simply how YOU feel about your body" and that "we have the power to change the way we see, feel, and think about our bodies."

Christine says that "Having a positive body image is not the same as body positivity" referencing to the "body positivity" or "body love" commercialized movement that can "impact us in a negative or positive way". 

If we are having a hard time loving Body as it is now, like all life lessons this is it's "call of action". Pay closer attention to the frustrations, irritations, jealousy, and judgements that are present within you. They are there for a reason. They are there to teach you if you let them. 

For example are you skipping this step and just going straight for a specialized diet or exercise regiment? Or are you frustrated at your bodies inability to do what you want it to and therefore hyperfocus on other peoples bodies? What is the language you use to describe your body or others bodies? Don't let these deflate, discourage, or keep you in an unmotivated state! Find a love and care for Body, doing the best it can, and then use those feelings you have as fuel to propel you forward! But you have to find some kind of love for your body first or the rest of the steps will fall apart or simply not happen. You'll be stuck in the cycle of trying everything else you can without addressing the foundation of body improvement and then landing you back in your restless feelings. If you're like me this might mean going to therapy to strengthen your mind first to then strengthen your relationship to your body.  

If we've managed to finally get ourselves to love, or at least respect, our bodies than we have accomplished something grand. However, it's only the first step. We can rest here but we cannot stop here. 

Second, listen to Body.

I'm sure you've heard about the "mind and body connection", or "body intuition" or "body language". Having our body is like any other relationship we encounter. Which is why it's important to pay attention to how we speak about ours or others bodies like I mentioned above. You've probably heard this one before too: "your body is like a child" but what does this mean? 

It means that it is naturally more inclined to follow what you, the soul, say or do. It means it might throw a tantrum when it's not sure how to express what it is feeling. It means that when a traumatic event happens it's not sure how to process it so it holds on until YOU, it's caretaker, comfort Body. It means that it takes what you feed it, dress it, and encourage (or force) it to do. It means Body looks up to you as it's example and loves and adores you. It means that Body wants to make you happy and make you proud. Body is very susceptible. 

Just like every other relationship, cultivating your relationship with your body is also important. Now that you are happy with your body you may realize as I did that it's not very happy with you. Body has most likely been trying to tell you with the only language it was given. Body speaks through "symptoms" such as acid reflux, breathlessness, pain, discomfort, immobility, irritability, crying, and illness. 

This is why its important to love Body first, because if you love then you're more inclined to listen, help, and give it the time it needs.

Third, set boundaries. 

If you've skipped this far ahead in the blog post because you want "fast results" then stop right now and go back to step one. Working through something difficult is never fast, it's a process. In fact Body is the way it is today not because you ate a bunch of food your last meal but because of consistently processing what you've given it over time. Body is just doing what it has been designed to do and what it is being told to do and this all starts with mind. A patient mind will tell you that you have all the time and resources you need. An anxious mind will try to rush through to where it can to find peace and rest. A compassionate mind can understand more easily that boundaries are not strict but a flexible cycle, devoting much time to trial, error, forgiveness, and another boundary. 

Body is meant to be fed and to use that food as fuel to operate all the many functions it is responsible for. While it is important to give it the best food you can so that it can operate well, in this step we're not focusing on that. 

Once Body has used up all it needs to function it then stores what's extra away for "safe keeping". It was in this stage that I had to laugh at myself for being so upset when I first saw the number on the scale for 150, the most I had ever weighed, not pregnant. I was HAPPY with my body and then my husband had to go and buy a scale and ruin all that happiness! Was I really mad at my husband? No. In fact by this stage I was grateful for what he did! It was him buying that scale that I had my reality check. I was happy with my body. I even took it to a private photoshoot for our birthday inspired by a carefree dream I had while I was in therapy. 

Are you seeing all the connections here?! Because up until this point I hadn't. 

I was MAD at my husband and then MAD at my body for doing the very things I NEEDED. 

I needed that number to finally take action for my body that had been crying out for help long before that number came into my sights. I didn't hear my body so I needed to see it. My Body had more than what it needed to function and so it happily put it away in case it needed to feed us later in an emergency. 

The problem with that was there was no emergency that is foreseen in the nearby future where that stored up fat would be needed. So what I needed to do now was to help my body to use up what it was saving. This was my responsibility. In order to do this I educated myself on how many calories are in each serving of food. This is where "counting calorie" diets are helpful but don't get sucked into the diet itself or you will unravel all the work you've put into loving and listening to your body up to this point. 

I have a list on my fridge of a few general things we eat and how many calories they are on average. For example you can eat a piece of bread for a hundred calories and still be hungry or you can eat 14 cups of spinach (and probably not even finish it) for a hundred calories and feel more full. Being calorie conscious is much more helpful then calorie counting because it doesn't restrict, it educates and also encourages boundaries. Set a low calorie goal for yourself to help your body use up it's stores. It'll look like a TINY amount compared to what you normally have been eating but I promise you it's enough and if your stomach is growling that's a good sign. FEEL the hunger! Let yourself GET hungry! If you are actually hungry your body not only will use what it has but you'll also feel better and enjoy the food more because your body isn't overloaded with trying to process mass amounts of food. Even if you didn't look at calories for a guide but just cut your food intake down by half you'd be helping your body out!   

 Just as a child is meant to "test it's boundaries" so will Body. Body had been very well fed up to this point with ALL the delicious things and so naturally it's not going to understand why there is less of it. At this point, just like any other diet, it's going to retaliate at any restrictions and remind you of all the things it likes to eat. It had a system going that you just disrupted it; so keeping that love for your body in mind don't restrict it but also don't buy and eat everything it tells you too. If Body is saying it's hungry use those listening skills you've been practicing and see if Body is really actually hungry or if Body is just craving. If Body has gotten to this point of needing an intervention more than likely intuitive eating no longer will work for your relationship because Body is going to be confused between what is a want and what is a need.

Keeping these boundaries is the second hardest part for most people because it is too easy to either just give Body what it wants all the time or becoming frozen with the inability to make any further choices. This is the time to fall back on the bottom line to "Feel Hungry" and being "calorie conscious". Throw all other expectations out the window for now. This is not the time to feed your body fourteen cups of spinach. It will only retaliate harder making it nearly impossible to hold the boundaries you set for it. Like I said before this is not the stage for giving Body the best food for it's fuel, that will come here and there through consistent exposure to "better options". For now if you eat your main meal and you've already curbed that hunger and reached that estimated calorie amount don't finish just because there is leftover on your plate and don't force yourself to eat those vegetable's just because they're good for you and you're feeling guilty for not having any all day. 

Guess what? There's tomorrow! Or the next meal! Remember you have time, trial, error, forgiveness, and a chance to try again. You love your body and your body loves you. 

Do you see the beautiful friendship being developed here? 

Fourth, exercise. 

There are so many diet regiments out there where their slogan goes something like "eat right and exercise". While these two things are important as we just talked about "eating right" doesn't just come at once. In fact I'm not even going to give it it's own "step" because it is a consistent thing that is incorporated here and there. We are taking our time being gentle, loving, and kind to our friend Body. If we shock or stress out Body with trying to rush any part of the process it's going to complain, retaliate, and refuse to go anywhere else except for back to where it was comfortable. As we have learned thus far, however, is that comfortable is not improvement. In order to have children to understand this we have to communicate with them, give them examples that show the importance of why we do challenging things, and then give them the time to adjust. We might need to teach the same lesson in many different ways for years before in clicks. 

The same goes for Body. 

I put exercise as the last step because I believe that you need to establish all of the other stages first to gain a trusting and loving relationship with you and your body before putting it through more anguish. That's not to say that like trying to eat well you can't do it here and there through the other stages. If you do, be gentle with your body and realize that if the weight doesn't move on the scale it is NOT a reflection of you not doing enough. If anything it might be a reflection that you are doing TOO much. This could be too much eating again or too much exercising which stresses out the body. Revaluate and then go through the boundary cycle again trial, error, forgiveness, and try again. 

I am currently in this stage myself. I was able to loose ten pounds by just eating less and letting my body get hungry for about two months and use what it's got but then the number on the scale hasn't shifted much for these past two months. It fluctuates between 136-140 daily but that isn't a disappointment for me because I love my body and what it's already done! It's exciting and I overall feel much better so I'm keeping at it!

In this final step I've been going to the gym more often and working out, but not just any workout. I had the thought that if I want to continue to communicate with my body instead of hoping I'll loose weight in my thighs were it likes to hang out the most I'm going to focus on exercises that send the message to my body that I want that area of fat storage to be used up, please and thank you. I'm also doing exercises that strengthen the muscles around my knees because as my chiropractor dad has told me, "you have knees like some of the old ladies I've adjusted."

This statement, for the record, was never offensive to me but if I have old lady knees and I'm not even that old yet then it's probably a good idea that I work on strengthening them. 

 And that's it...

This is my own body relationship I've been working on this year that I've felt inclined to share. This is what is working for me and I honestly believe it could work for so many others. I am not a dietician or doctor or even an expert. These thoughts and actions have just made sense for me and they all thread back to the same core thought as many of my other lessons in "finding the good". God has led me step by step through each process and challenge I have faced and by working at one small thing at a time I have come to the point of being able to look back and be extremally grateful for how far I've come! Having my "Year of the Body" has only been a small part of it all and is being accomplished because of everything else I've learned before it, thanks to God, the master teacher. 

And Body and Soul lived happily ever after through all the pains, trials, and tribulation.  

  

Uncovering our Spiritual Gifts

[This Post in Under Construction. Feel free to read it anyways if you want. I just wanted to post it early so I can have a link for another post. I haven't yet finished my thoughts here though.)

On March 21st 2024 I was dreaming and in my dream I had a thought so profound that it woke me up.

In the week of March 18th-22nd my kids and I started to learn about paleontology. When we think of paleontology we might go straight to thinking about the dinosaurs versus the process of how we got to know about dinosaurs in the first place.

Our gifts from God are very similar. We might be walking along through outside when we suddenly see a glimpse of how God see’s us. It would be too tempting to then rush over to our jackhammer to get the whole gift out of the ground but God steadies our process and tells us when to use the jackhammer.

In the beginning of removing a fossil from the earth a jackhammer may be used to remove major rocks and obstacles away from the fossil but the closer and closer the paleontologist gets the smaller and more creative their tools have to get. 

Just when we can really start seeing our gifts from God begin to be uncovered and we’ve gone through all the work to remove large obstacles keeping us from our gift and we’ve used the odd small tools to define our gift he then tells us to put away our jackhammer and to grab some toilet paper. Confused, we might ask him “why toilet paper? That won’t get my gift out of here!” But he insists. It’s at this point we have two options. Leave our gift for someone else to find and use or to trust ing God and grab the toilet paper. 

When trying to remove a large fossil from the ground the paleontologists want to preserve as much as they can and protect the fossil until they can bring it back to a lab where they use even more tools to not only remove but then piece together the fossil. In order to do this they cover the fossil (and the remaining dirt and rock) in toilet paper and then plaster. This process is known as jacketing. In order to get both sides of the large rock and fossil they bring in large construction machines that help to carefully lift and flip over the fossil to preserve the other side. 

If you’ve chosen to go and get the toilet paper God then will instruct you with now covering your gift that you worked so hard to reveal. He tells you that it needs to be preserved for the right time and tells you that you’ll need more people to help lift, carry, and protect your gift. This is slightly disappointing because you thought you had done all this work and were about to see your complete gift soon. You had worried over breaking it or missing a piece of it and now He was telling you to cover it back up and do it again? Not to mention you had to trust ‘others’ to also handle your gift carefully? Do you continue? 

Once the preserved fossil is jacketed the paleontologists then have to figure out how to get the fossil to the lab as most fossils are found where there aren’t any roads. Once they have been able to get the plastered fossil to the lab paleontologists then start by removing the plaster with a saw. Then they need to finish removing the surrounding rock from the fossil by using an air scribe tool and carefully and patiently remove all remaining rock. 

Since you’ve seen your gifts potential you might as well see the whole process through even though you still have months ahead to continue to define it and relying on others gifts as well. However, not all do. At anytime in the process many give up on their gifts, handing off the responsibility to someone else. Should you continue you will find that once the rock is all removed you still have your work cut out for you as your gift is in pieces. 

Piecing together the fossil is tricky jigsaw puzzle with oftentimes tiny or missing pieces and takes years to put together but despite the long and painstaking process the joy outweighs the pain. 

Just like removing a fossil from the ground our gifts have a process to them and each one of those steps matters as you move through them. Each part of uncovering your gift, although challenging, teaches you something new and gets you in close to the smallest of details. It teaches you patience, creativity, hope, reliance, determination, and gratitude. Throughout the entire process God reveals more of his mysteries to you as you work alongside Him and have faith in His process so by the end when others can see your fully complete gift and marvel at it you’ll have pure joy and not because of the outcome, but the journey it took you to get there. 

D&C 88:33

Receiving the Holy Ghost by David A Bednar

Known By Name

What do our baptismal covenants that we make and then renew during sacrament meeting every Sunday mean? In 2021 I learned more about the covenants I made at baptism when I was asked to lead a discussion on the topic in Relief Society. This is that message: 

And they said unto me: What meaneth the ^arod of iron which our father saw, that led to the tree? And I said unto them that it was the ^aword of God; and whoso would hearken unto the word of God, and would ^bhold fast unto it, they would never perish; neither could the ^ctemptations and the fiery ^ddarts of the ^eadversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction. Wherefore, I, Nephi, did exhort them to give ^aheed unto the word of the Lord; yea, I did exhort them with all the energies of my soul, and with all the ^bfaculty which I possessed, that they would give heed to the word of God and remember to keep his commandments always in all things. -1 Nephi 15:23-25

The Iron rod is the “word of God”. 

I think that the most common and literal meaning to the word of God is the scriptures, but ultimately we could apply it to anywhere God is speaking to us: through the spirit, through the prophet, through others, and through our covenants. When making and keeping covenants with God we are communicating and working with Him by agreeing to the specific purposes of His plan. This is the rod.

As God’s children we are all a part of His plan, we all chose it when coming to Earth, and we all have a purpose that requires our individual perspective and talents as I mentioned in the ocean and land story I ended my talk in sacrament meeting. This is the path, underneath and beside the rod. We are each walking our own path to help us learn, grow, and work with God even if we are unaware of Him, believe in Him, or are wicked. But is walking only on the path without the rod considered wickedness?

In D. Todd Christofferson’s talk entitled “Why the Covenant Path,” he says “Some might say, “I can make good choices with or without baptism; I don’t need covenants to be an honorable and successful person.” Indeed, there are many who, while not on the covenant path themselves, act in a way that mirrors the choices and contributions of those who are on the path. You might say they reap the blessings of walking a “covenant-consistent” path. 

In Isaiah there is written a continuing story with three main “characters”. The first is the Babylonian king that didn’t care about life and was delighted in the war. He sought to conquer for his own gain and thought that as a king he was above it all and allowed to take what he wanted. He didn’t need a God because he believed he had it all. The second character, put together as one group, is the Israelites who forgot their God and began to stray from their covenants. To remind them and for other purposes God allowed the greedy heart of the Babylonian King to conquer the Israelites who were put into bondage, a blessing in disguise because of the covenants they had made with God. The third character came years later. His name was Cyrus. Cyrus didn’t know God apart from any other god that was mentioned but he had a righteous heart and God paved the way for him to conquer Babylon with very little to no fight as well as other cities. He gave credit to both God and another god. The Israelites declared that God wouldn’t have sent a Persian man to save them because he didn’t even believe in God and yet God did! He knew what was right for His people because of who was listening to Him and letting Him work through them. The interesting and eye opening aspect of this story is that God had a purpose for all in the story from those who forgot their covenants with Him, to a man who didn’t know God but followed what was right, and all the way to another man who was the opposite of any qualities considered to be righteous in anyway. If we are all walking this path where we already have purpose, what, then, is the difference of the covenant path? 

D. Todd Christofferson says that “ the difference is uniquely and eternally significant. It includes the nature of our obedience, the character of God’s commitment to us, the divine help we receive, the blessings tied to gathering as a covenant people, and most importantly, our eternal inheritance.

The covenant path isn’t just a path. It’s not the general path we are all uniquely walking consisting of what we need for our Earthly life and growth. The rod is next to each of our paths should we agree to reach out and grasp hold of it. It is an opportunity for all to have because we have chosen His plan to come to Earth and we are walking that earthly and individualized path. The rod that can make our path a covenant one, is as D. Todd Christofferson has said, our “eternal inheritance”. Grasping that rod has a specifically designed purpose that goes beyond just what our earthy path has for us. We use this ordained rod to give our unique path a steadiness we could not find, should we choose to walk the path alone. 

Pres. Nelson was quoted in D. Todd Christofferson’s talk saying, “The ordinances of the temple and the covenants you make there are key to strengthening your life, your marriage and family, and your ability to resist the attacks of the adversary. Your worship in the temple and your service there for your ancestors will bless you with increased personal revelation and peace and will fortify your commitment to stay on the covenant path.”

Just knowing what the rod, or our covenants, universally blesses us with cannot hold us steady all by itself either. If we were to know the rod is there, next to our path, with all it’s many blessings but not take hold of it and then add it to our personal path it would do us just as much good as if we tried to walk the path alone. In order to walk the covenant path we have to understand how the covenants and accompanying blessings work in our lives. We have to not only have that desire to make covenants but we have to also keep them by constantly reflecting and noticing how they personalize into our lives. This is the obedience mentioned by D. Todd Chrsitofferson. 

Bound to God - John 16:33 

Once we have added the rod, the covenants, to our own path and made it a one of specific purpose with God we are then “Bound to Him” meaning that even though we now have the rod with us we will still let go at times if frightened, confused or curious; We will still have questions; We will still make mistakes; we will forget what we have covenanted specifically; and we will still be growing our testimonies. This is our life and our path that is meant to help us learn and grow on earth after all. However, because of the rod or our covenants we will have tied our will to His and will receive the divine help we need to remember those covenants again in an even deeper way.  

Divine Help - Moroni 8:26, Mormon 7:10, and 2 Nephi 31:13

This divine help as D. Todd Chrsitofferson talks about in his talk comes through the companionship of the Holy Spirit which we are given during our first specifically purposed covenant: baptism.

Baptism is being “born of water” so when we are completely immersed in the water and blessed by one commissioned of Jesus Christ we become his. We covenant to follow in His ways by serving one another and serving God. We promise to try our best to listen to His spirit and follow each prompting he gives us regarding our own personal path. 

Jer. 2:13 & John 4:13-14

We also remember this covenant on Sunday as we partake of the bread to remember that he atoned for our sins that we covenanted to try our best to do no more at baptism and for His name that we take upon us as we drink of his water because he is the “living water”.

Gather with the Covenant People

“I hear people say, ‘I don’t have to go to church to be a Christian,” and they are absolutely right. Salvation is through faith alone in Christ alone. But you don’t have to go home to be married, but stay away long enough and your relationship will be affected,” -Tony Evans. 

I liked this quote because it says it so simply and perfectly. We’ve also been learning this more since our gospel study has been reformed into being primarily at home and church supported. When we go home to search, ponder, and pray about the covenants and lessons we’re needing to learn more in depth it makes us receive more of the spirit to then share what another may need to hear. When we come together either in person or as we adjusted to with last year's physical restrictions we are living our covenants by being vessels for the Lord and to do his work. “We help ourselves when we help each other,” as was said by Garrit W. Gong in his talk “Room at the Inn”.  

We gather at home (which we will come back to), at church, and at the temple. 

D. Todd Christofferson quotes the prophet Joseph Smith saying, “What was the object of gathering the … people of God in any age of the world? … The main object was to build unto the Lord a house whereby He could reveal unto His people the ordinances of His house and the glories of His kingdom, and teach the people the way of salvation; for there are certain ordinances and principles that, when they are taught and practiced, must be done in a place or house built for that purpose.”

Many other covenants we make are in the temple which builds upon the covenants made in baptism. Just like the baptismal covenants that come into two parts (immersion into the water and the gift of the holy ghost) the endowment covenants also comes in two parts, the initiatory (which literally means to constitute a beginning) and the rest of the endowment where you promise to keep the law of obedience, the law of sacrifice, the law of the gospel, the law of chastity, and the law of concentration. The initiatory is a specific blessing of heritage and potential while the endowment is a group session symbolizing the personal path we each take in life but the covenant path we all take together and work towards together. I believe the endowment covenants mirror the baptismal covenants as you start by baptism which joins you to a group of other individuals who are trying to take Christs name and follow his example, then you receive the Holy Ghost which confirms and personalizes your covenants with personal revelation from God, then the initiatory expands on your specific purposes within those covenants, and finally in your endowments you are to go forward together and helping as many souls as you can along. 

Inherit the Covenant Promises

We’ve already discussed the aforementioned blessings and promises we inherit should we try and keep the covenants a part of our lifelong path but there are more covenant appendages and blessings I feel are outlined in the Family A Proclamation to the World. 

           Covenant Path                         Personal Path

Man and woman is ordained of God The family is central to the creators plan- the family is ordained Parenthood- accountable to God Fathers and Mothers have divinely designed primary roles and are obligated to help one another as equal partners.

Each has divine nature and destiny Gender is essential to our purpose & identity Children-love, teach, meet needs, be an example Circumstances necessitate individual adaptation to fatherly and motherly roles within the home but maintain the accountability to God.

 

In “The Family: A proclamation to the world”, it says, “In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.” 

As we’ve talked about before this was our first step into the life of the covenant maker. Once on Earth we have the opportunity to turn our own path we’re walking on through life into a covenant filled path by continuing to agree to God’s plan. As listed in the proclamation each covenant is made personalized because of agreements to God as we fulfill them. 

Joy D. Jones said in her talk “Essential Conversations” this past April, “He trusts us to value, respect, and protect them as children of God. That means we never harm them physically, verbally, or emotionally in any way, even when tensions and pressures run high. Instead we value children, and we do all we can to combat the evils of abuse. Their care is primary to us—as it is to Him.”

To me this is in reference to the parenthood, family, and man and woman is ordained of God. God designed our lives to be integrated with one another through at least one family unit. This was intended with a specific purpose or purposes in mind. Because this is a promise to care for and raise children  we are also accountable to him because of it. This is an appendage to our premortal, baptismal, and temple covenants. We can then apply this covenant to our own lives with what God has destined for us to do on our own individual paths. All have children, family, and parenthood as apart of their individual lives in one way or another but it becomes a part of our covenants as we strive to accomplish it in the manner that God has laid out before us.

Joy D. Jones said, “It is our privilege and responsibility to help children “get far enough in” to the gospel of Jesus Christ. And we cannot begin too soon.”... “We cannot wait for conversion to simply happen to our children. Accidental conversion is not a principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Becoming like our Savior will not happen randomly. Being intentional in loving, teaching, and testifying can help children begin at a young age to feel the influence of the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost is essential to our children’s testimony of and conversion to Jesus Christ; we desire them to “always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them.

“Accidental conversion is not a principle of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” I think this can be applied to all. I personally feel as though I am continually pursuing a conversion. It is through questioning, seeking answers,  testing out what I have learned, and then sharing what I have gained a testimony on.  

Joy D Jones says, “Simple, caring conversations can lead children to know not only what they believe, but most importantly, why they believe it. Caring conversations, happening naturally and consistently, can lead to better understanding and answers.” 

If we can foster the belief in the “why” and not just the “what” as we are doing for one another and in our own lives it’ll give the children of today more of a foundational instinct to constantly be turning to God and the stamina to not give up a belief just because it is challenged but to fight for and grow in their belief throughout their lives. 

Joy D Jones asks a three questions after she shares the story of a young man who was initially irritated with his drill instructor but later was grateful for the training he received which had unknowingly prepared him for the battlefield:

“Wouldn’t we rather have them “sweat” in the safe learning environment of the home than bleed on the battlefields of life?”... “When we strengthen a child, we strengthen the family.” 

Ultimately we are each walking our own unique path throughout life that can be enhanced through and be steadied through our covenants with God to be more like Christ, follow the guidance of the spirit, apply each gospel principle and covenant to our lives, and teach one another. As we do so we will receive all the promises available to us and we shall, … “mount up with wings as ^deagles; [we] shall ^erun, and not be weary; and [we] shall walk, and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:31. 

 

Dating Jesus

 01/06/2024

I had another Jesus dream that was interrupted by my five in the morning alarm. I’ve been waiting and wanting another Jesus dream for awhile now but I certainly wasn’t expecting this one. It could easily be seen as blasphemous and I wouldn’t blame that view because when I woke up my first thought was “well that was an interesting dream”. This thought didn’t last long though as this exciting thought immediately replaced it, “I had another dream with Jesus in it”.

Why don’t we unpack the dream and maybe we’ll find more meaning behind it all. And please remember while reading this that while the dream is full of meaning and impactful there are still some "silly" elements that I will be sharing that are simply just because it is a dream! 

PART ONE

This is usually the part of the dream that is in ‘reality’ or Earth or the representation of life verses heaven.

The dream started with Da Beast and I driving to this hotel for a meeting with someone. I asked Da Beast multiple questions like who we were meeting, why were we’re meeting them, what was the meeting about, and where were we meeting.

Da Beast's answer to all of these questions was “I don’t know.” Which frustrated me more and more because if he was taking me to this meeting why didn’t he know more about it?! He told me that all he knew was so-n-so, who he DID know but I didn’t, had set up the meeting and that all he had was an address.

The address ended up leading us to this gate with a giant fancy white hotel behind it. I started to think this meeting was going to be high class and we were going to get the highest form of treatment from this mystery meeting when Da Beast interrupted my thoughts with, “Oh. This isn’t it. I thought this was the entrance but it’s actually over there.”

When I looked over towards the right of this magnificent, had to get extra permission to go through the gates, hotel my heart dropped into disappointment.

There tucked slightly behind this grand hotel was another hotel. This small peeling red paint hotel was literally shadowed by the other hotel. Da Beast turned our car around and took the exit right next to this elaborate hotel. It was so easy to miss because it looked more like a sketchy alleyway than it did an entrance.

My bitterness grew. My hopes of luxury were dried up. The closer we got to this meager hotel the more those sour feelings grew. Large chunks of the hotel was missing paint, the parking lot and sidewalks were cracked and missing big pieces of cement. Overall the hotel looked very uncared for and I didn’t want to be there.

Da Beast parked as best he could in an unlined parking lot and got out of the car to open my door for me. He offered me his arm and we walked side by side towards this two story hotel with only exterior corridors. Every room door faced outwards towards the parking lot. While I was busy heavily judging the place and feeling sorry that we had to be here at all, Da Beast was looking for the room number he was given. I don’t remember what it was l, perhaps six or seven, but we were up on the second floor right next to the stairs.

The metal stairs creaked and wobbled as we ascended and before we could even knock the door opened and there was the man so-n-so that Da Beast knew. He held open the door but I didn’t move at first. Da Beast had to tug my arm a bit to have me follow, which I did, into an empty hotel room.

When I looked at this man in disgruntled disbelief he shrugged an apology and propped open the door; I assumed for others. Despite the state of the location I never felt fear or uneasiness; only distain. The man looked at me and answered my unasked questions, “I was told that the place is being refurbished and to book a room to accommodate many.

PART TWO

This part of the dream is when it jumps to another place. In my other dreams this place was heaven. The dreams would start off chaotic or lonely and usually end up with some kind of entrance to heaven (usually a white glowing doorway). Once in heaven I’d run to Jesus and hug him. This dream wasn’t really like that other than the dream being split into two practically unrelated scenes .More and more people arrived and somehow there was enough room for them all. It was like the room expanded and had no capacity limit. Like Mary Poppins bag or Harmonies enchanted purse.

After everyone had arrived to the ever expansive hotel room that defied all logic, He arrived. Jesus walked in and everyone in the room cheered! He walked around greeting everyone and I just waited nervously hoping he’d notice me. There were a lot of people but it didn’t take long for him to notice. He made eye contact and smiled. I smiled back and gave him a small wave before I continued to stand there and  wait. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to greet Jesus, I just knew he had a lot of others to greet and when it was time I’d have a turn.

While I waited near the entrance a few more people arrived asking if this was the place to see Jesus. I smiled at them and said it was and welcomed them in. They didn’t return the smile and looked skeptical. I hoped they’d stay but I wasn’t sure if they would.

After this happen quite a few times the room was then called to attention for a prayer. Dream me seemed to know this prayer but wakeful me didn’t recognize it. I’m not sure what we were saying but it was a single phrase repeated three times each ending with a low bow to the ground.

Jesus’ voice then released us and he walked over to me and some other guy who was blurry in the dream but I knew it wasn’t Da Beast. In fact Da Beast didn’t play any role in this part of the dream.

We all sat down and just talked casually.

A few of the skeptical late comers then stood up and angrily told the three of us that, “this isn’t how it should be!” They then gestured around the room where there were many different groups talking, or snuggling. They said to Jesus that “isolating others” wasn’t how anyone should act let alone Jesus. Their angry faces said it all. They had arrived full of skepticism and a high bar of expectation that the current event wasn’t living up to. They had sat together looking around at others enjoying themselves and thinking that something was missing, or wasn’t right. Instead of seeing the room as a peaceful and calm place they had seen it as segregation and rejection. Being uncomfortable with their own feelings and letting their insecurities take over they had concluded that it was ‘them’ but it was everyone else.

This one instance and effort to act was in retaliation and followed by a huffy exit.

While Jesus had tried to talk to them he mostly just listened because he knew that they had made their choice. I, on the other hand, sat in confusion looking around the room trying to see what they saw and failing. I saw people tending to each other, hugging each other, conversing, laughing, smiling, cuddling, and so much more.

When I looked back at Jesus my heart broke. His eyes welled with tears and his face was contorted in pain. He was deeply sad for those who chose not to stay and there were more.

The man next to me pulled Jesus into his chest and Jesus cried uncontrollably while the man rocked him. Jesus clung to the man’s clothes.

“What more could I have done for them?”

I waited.

When Jesus had finished crying he looked drained and I offered my lap to him. He rested his head there and that was the first time that I noticed his hair was short. This observation left me feeling a bit sad that the classic depictions of Jesus having shoulder length hair wasn’t what I was seeing. I feel like I asked him why he cut it but I don’t remember his direct response. I feel like his answer had something to do with being able to recognize him even when you’re expecting something else.

We didn’t talk much after that and I was happy to have Jesus taking comfort with me. While he rested I ran my fingers through his dark hair. It was thick and loosely curly. It was curly enough for my fingers to get slightly caught in his hair but defined only to the extent of it being deeply wavy.

The other man then requested that Jesus rest in his lap and Jesus moved and now his legs were in front of me.

Being unpleased with this and not liking how I felt this man “stole Jesus from me” I tried to change my thoughts by making do with what I had and if all I had was Jesus’ legs then I was going to do what I could.

“This might tickle,” I said as I began to massage the calves of Jesus. He chuckled and asked me a question, perhaps one asking what  I was doing, to which I responded that legs were boring.

This seemed to surprise and amuse Jesus but I could see he was also about to teach me so I quickly said something like “boring enough to be useful!” And then I kept massaging his calves which did tickle him a bit and he laughed more.

Hearing Jesus laugh and knowing that I got to be a part of it, especially after he had just been drowned in sadness, changed and lifted my mood. It didn’t matter what half of Jesus I got to spend time with, the important thing was that Jesus was with me.

Eventually Jesus had moved to behind me and I got to lean back on him. He held me tightly and whispered in my ear the very thing I had convinced myself by now wouldn’t happen. I was in such shock that I didn’t even hear all he said only what he asked at the end, “do you promise that the relationship you and I have will continue only because of and through Him?”

Unable to speak I just nodded understanding the God, our Father in Heaven, came first.

“Then you and I can be together.” He said.

“Like we’re dating?” I turned around and asked. He smiled and nodded again but there was some worry in his eyes.

PART THREE

Usually this part of the dream (if it’s there at all) is going back into “life”. For example in a previous dream where I went to Heaven and wanted to stay with Jesus he told me it wasn’t time and that I had to complete my mission. This mission was going and gathering my brothers and sisters to lead them to where he was because like all my dreams before this, He’s always tucked away somewhere. In other words you have to be actively looking for him to find him or you’ll get swept up with the rest of the world. This dream was slightly different as it’s been showing to be this far. The dream continued with me dating Jesus but instead it was a compilation of different instances and being narrated by myself.

I was ecstatic to be dating Jesus so much that I thought, “so it wasn’t a Mary that Jesus dated in the Bible it was a Megan”. A silly thought but I believe still holds meaning, so stick with me. After that I struggled. Dating Jesus wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. I thought when you dated someone who wanted to be around them all the time. When dating Jesus, Jesus is often out with others. For example while we were at a barbecue Jesus was off talking to everyone while I stood back feeling confused and jealous. Even when I was right next to Jesus trying to follow him and his example by also socializing I felt like he wasn’t with me and I was falling short.

I wanted so badly to be the BEST companion for Jesus but every kind thing I did for him I felt more like I was in the way, clumsy, or doing something that he could do himself but better. He never seemed to mind. In fact he always waited patiently, smiled warmly, and thanked me before going off to talk to someone else again.

I felt that I was dating Jesus in the wrong way and worried that if I continued to be super clingy and demanding of his personal attention, for just me, that the relationship would be over; that everything would end and I knew it would be because I let my insecurities win.

Just when I was contemplating what I needed to change, my alarm went off.

CONCLUSION

There is a saying that I’ve read that says “the closer you get to Jesus the more unworthy you’ll begin to feel”.

I believe that the last two parts of the dream this was the over-arching theme. First by witnessing others in part two of the dream and then also by myself in the third part of the dream. In both cases our insecurities were getting the better of us and these insecurities were rooted in what WE thought or expected things should be. In part one of the dream there was also heavy expectations. Let’s break down the main points of the dream.

Part one

• Fancy hotel verses frumpy hotel. The fancy hotel was so tall it shadowed the little hotel next to it. The little hotel was also hard to find and mentioned to be “under refurbishment”.  Writing down my dream I couldn’t help but think that the desirable hotel, based off of looks and comfort, was the great and spacious building in Levi’s dream. It wasn’t hard to find and you didn’t need to look for it. Everything else looked “less then” when compared to the fancy hotel. It would be the obvious choice for many to stay at because it supports the ideology that living a life of luxury, fame, fortune, high status or popularity, and being heard and accepted was what to strive for.
• Da Beast. There was a reason Da Beast was in this part of the dream because without him I may have just stayed in my place and then when at the hotel I might have just stood by the gate hoping to get noticed and let inside. Then finally at the door of the frumpy hotel I might have not even gone inside. This isn’t to say that I can’t and haven’t chose to follow directions that don’t make sense to me before but often when I don’t understand something I feel frustrated and challenged and Da Beast is always there to help me through it.

Part Two

• The second coming. This part of the dream while being written down was feeling a lot like “waiting on Jesus”. We were all gathered and waited for him to arrive. When he arrived I still stood by the entrance waiting for my turn to greet Jesus and welcoming late comers who resembled those who accept Jesus after his second coming.
• Prayer. The very specific prayer in another language has me very curious. Especially the fact that I knew it.
• Judgement. Just like the first part of the dream, judgement without curiosity was heavily present. When we make a judgement from the stand point of what we “expect” verses what we are “curious about” it doesn’t matter what anyone else says because we’re not focusing on “understanding” since we already feel like we have it “all figured out”.
• Mourning. Jesus is devastated when we leave him or isolate ourselves from Him as he is always there for us, even when he is visiting with others. We don’t “own” any part of Jesus. Sometimes we might only have his legs and feet, meaning sometimes we just have to wait or follow him while he talks to someone else. This doesn’t mean we’re any less important to Him. Just because others don’t show us Jesus, or gives us what we feel we need from them doesn’t mean our relationship with Christ isn’t there. What it DOES mean is regardless of what others are doing it is our own responsibility to get to know Jesus. It is our own choices that determine what we’re apart of. And Christ mourns for each and every souls that leaves. But only those who stay with him can see that. Jesus then asks as does the Lord of the Vineyard, “what more could I have done?”
• Our Relationship with Jesus. Crossing over with what was said in previous section on mourning, and going into part three where I think “so it wasn’t a Mary that Jesus dated in the Bible it was a Megan”, our relationship to Jesus is because of and through God our Father. While this IS a dream and thoughts and saying can be a little off key I think the important thing to note about this cross section of part two and three of the dream is just saying that God comes first and anyone can put their name in a relationship with a Jesus. When we covenant, or make the promise, that we will put God first then we are tied to Jesus because that is exactly what His work is all about. He is the arrow pointing to God and when we align ourselves with Him by also making our work about God then we begin a relationship of working in tandem WITH Christ.

Part Three

• Dating Jesus. Continuing from where we left off in the last section and the second part of the dream, I don’t seem to understand what dating Jesus is supposed to look like and my mistakes, insecurities, faults, and embarrassments become all exposed. Sometimes being as  close as we can get to Jesus we can loose sight of what was important in the first place. Instead of patience and long suffering to get to where we are, dating Jesus, now that we’re here we’re struggling, feeling more like we have to “preform”. I think should the dream had continued I would have come to the conclusion that while I fussed and worried about doing everything right I was missing out on the real opportunity to watch Jesus at work and to be with him. I wasn’t enjoying my time with him because I forgot to keep watch of him. Instead my focus turned to myself on all the things I was messing up. When your dating someone of COURSE you want to be with the ALL THE TIME. But you know you don’t have to be with them all the time. When you have the same end goals, dreams, pursuits, and ideas then you know your relationship is a ‘sure thing’ because you’ll both end up in the same place. You might take different routes based off of personalized preferences to those goals, dreams, pursuits, and ideas that separates you for a time but the reunions are always sweeter because of it. When dating Jesus it’s no different. You both promised to each other to be there for the other and that you’ll “meet back up with God”. Our father in Heaven is the commonality that keeps your union with Jesus a “sure thing”. Jesus is always there and while there will be many times you’re right there next to him in the thick of things there will also be sometimes where you’ll feel some distance as you’re off doing exactly what you need to be doing to spread his word. How sweet will the reunion be when you join together again with Jesus, after having done his work and he was also away doing his work, the will of the father. Jesus doesn’t just need followers, he also needs companions. Followers go where a leader is present and desire to be in constant companionship, especially when they are struggling. Companions are followers who have enough understanding that their confidence in their relationship to Jesus means that they are his helpmeets/helpmates. They can go off on side quests and accomplish his work without needing to be told EXACTLY what to do because he accepts all offerings and we know where to find him. We lessen HIS load by aiding in HIS work.
• Co-op example. When playing a co-op video game you both have the same goals and targets but often times might go about completing those goals or reaching those targets in slightly different ways. But you only have your screen in front of you. Sometimes your companion is in your screen. Sometimes they’re not. Sometimes you or your companion strays too far and a warning sign on the game pops up saying to “get back to your partner”. However, no matter how the game is actually played out, no matter how many times you fail, make a mistake, or have to reevaluate your strategy if you are playing the game with someone you know wants the same thing you do in the end, you don’t ever question that they won’t be there when you need them to revive you, back you up, or help you strategize. And thanks to the visual marker you always know where they are. Playing this game with Jesus is the best guarantee that you WILL finish and BEAT the game. 

The Closing of a Chapter

A hundred days before President Nelson’s one hundredth birthday he made an announcement that the best gift he could receive would be for us each to find the one; as in the parable told by Jesus and written down in Matthew 18 and Luke 15. 

Long before this invitation was even given the Marysville ward embodied that parable and continues to do so to this day. For many of you I was that ‘one’ you brought into your fold. 

When we first arrived here at Beale, AFB we were on unstable ground. Our family had just been separated for the eight months before that for basic and tech training, we had never been far from the help of family before, and the only time one of us had even lived away from home was when Da Beast served his two year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Boston, Massachusetts. Everything was new, raw, exciting, and unknown. In order to protect these new and raw feelings I arrived here with a rough exterior and a single thought of  “I’m going to be a challenge here.” 

Now as we are leaving, I’ve realized that I interpreted that message incorrectly. The true message was “I’m going to be challenged here.” Sure some of you may have had interactions with me that have also challenged you. I had, after all, arrived here in Northern California as raw material ready to be molded and refined. 

These past three years with the help, patience, and encouragement of those I've interacted with here I’ve been able to find myself. Becoming a member of the Marysville ward as well as a dependent in the United States Air Force has been what I feel like a climatic moment in my life. 

I may not have seemed so lost on the outside, but through others following through on the inspirations they have each received, by the members of the ward each being themselves and sharing their testimonies, and by them challenging me, I became found. 

While living here I have gained confidence in my own gifts and my family has moved from a neutral and dormant space of belief to a belief that is awake and alive. I’ve been able to take this confidence and even learn new things that I never thought I’d be able to do like bake bread, publish a book, and befriend my neighbors. My family has also been able to experience things I wasn’t sure would even happen such as my son being baptized, my husband and I being able to attend the temple, and my kids making so many friends.  

Every perfectly planned moment from God has happened so small and simple that while looking back trying to take into account all that I’ve learned here I’ve almost missed it all. Or rather its all so woven and interconnected into everything that I’ve done since I’ve been here that there is no possible way I could even present what I’ve learned and the gratitude I have for it all in one single list. 

Our family has seen so much exponential growth since we have come here and much of that is because we have found ourselves members of the Marysville ward family. For those just moving into this ward, if you let them, the love here will change you in all the best ways possible before you even know what is happening. 

The Marysville Ward has been to my family what the MTC is to many missionaries. In a message given by Joshua J. Perkey from a New Era publication back in February of 2019 entitled “Your MTC Experience”, was laid out a typical experience of what to expect from attending the Missionary Training Center. From the schedule you’d have, to the homesickness you might feel, to the companions you might disagree with, and even to a new language you might learn; I couldn’t help but feel like the quotes given from various Elders and Sisters is what I’ve been feeling as our family has been preparing to move to England. A few of the things that stood out to me in this message, that I have also experienced while living here, are: 

• Learning how to study effectively
• How to teach by the spirit
• The value of how I spend my time here on Earth and reevaluating if I use it wisely and align it with God’s timing.
• Setting myself up to help others and to foster growth with them.
• Receiving comfort from each other
• Combined efforts of focusing on doing the work of the Lord. 

And finally but most importantly that if I am trying my best, my understanding will follow. 

Many of these things, and more, have had foundations laid out for me since I was a child in primary. I’ve also had other experiences gaining and obtaining understanding throughout my life; “Line upon line; here a little and there a little.” (Isaiah 28:10). 

And then there are moments like now where I can look backwards and forwards and see more of the meaning of my life here on Earth. The picture becomes more clear, and while scary and unknown the future holds, I know that I’m being guided down the path designed for me where I have the honor and opportunity to meet others along the way. Those who I will teach and those who will teach me. 

This is missionary work! The very thing that since I got my patriarchal blessing at the age of fourteen tightened my stomach into knots. It says that I will have opportunities to teach the gospel and serve a mission or missions. I didn’t at the time know that that meant nor did I want to. I didn’t want to serve a mission! When I didn’t go on a full time mission and instead got married and had children my mom offered that an interpretation of my patriarchal blessing could be that a mission I’d be serving on Earth would be to teach my children. While I agreed that this was certainly a part of it, I couldn’t help but feel like this was not the intention of the blessing. It wasn’t until Da Beast joined the Air Force and again now as I began to prepare this message, that the missions I would be serving would be in regards to where we are placed through the Air Force. I’ve learned that I can’t get closer to God without also being a missionary. Or rather it was rebranded to me through a dream as “discipleship”. Being a disciple of Christ is being a member missionary. It is the covenant taken at baptism to be a representative of Christ when I take His name upon me. I serve Him by serving others. I love others because He loves them. I follow His example and see the person before their choice is made and grieve when their choice isn’t Him. I don’t give up trying to bring the one back to the fold and I definitely don’t find joy in the eternal destruction of those around me. To be a disciple of Christ is to experience adversities, challenges and trials. 

As Samuel Annan-Simons said in a message entitled “Some Signs of True Discipleship”, “Adversities lead to experiencing charity, the pure love of Christ.” Just before this quote Samuel had just shared his own family's trials and struggles particularly with their brand new baby. Samuel continues by saying that “during [this] challenging time in our family life, the love we had for our son, the rest of our children, for each other, and for everyone of Heavenly Fathers children grew exponentially. We learned to see each of Heavenly Fathers Children as He would see them –eternal beings with limitless potential. Our desire to forgive all was enhanced, and an eye of faith and extra perspective was developed. Love for God and all His Children is perhaps the most potent of all the forces in the universe.” 

Later in Samuel Annan-Simons message he shares a story from a talk by Gene R. Cook entitled “Charity: perfect and everlasting love”. The story was about a woman named Betty who encountered many hardships but because she “suffered tribulation in the Savior's name, partook of His divine nature, and gained a deeper faith in and a love for God” she was able to endure it all. Most remarkable however was that she, “Seemed to even forgive others in advance”.  Samuel’s remarks to this were “To me to forgive in advance is to understand that all Heavenly Father’s children are free to choose. When the consequences of their choices bring us unwanted effects, it’s no longer about them. It's about us, and how we will respond. Will we love or otherwise? When we give people the benefit of the doubt, we are the ones who benefit.” 

“When we give people the benefit of the doubt, we are the ones who benefit.” Why? Because we are using much more than our own understanding. We are giving the power not to the people but to God who knows all things. We are using our faith that everything is going to be okay, that God is with us through all of the choices being made through us or on our behalf. When we feel like we are frustrated, cornered, scared, and unsure of the next weighty choice we are to make we can rest assured that even if we make a mistake that it is there for our good. That even if others make a mistake it is for our good and that all will be made right through the atonement of Christ. We are spending our belief to gain a glimpse into the mysteries of God. Samuel Annan-Simons, later says that “when our actions are based on inspiration, what we achieve is exponentially greater than what we can achieve on our own.”

Despite our feelings of inadequacy and loneliness at times from having the trust of the Lord to “Go and do” His work as his disciples, as long as we “Open our mouths” through inspiration, “they will be filled”. (D&C 33:7-10). In a message given by Joe J Christensen entitled “Open your Mouths: The Courage to Share the Gospel” he says “ Miracles could happen if we would just open our mouths.” This talk,  as well as the promptings I’ve received that I’ve been prepared for many missions through my patriarchal blessings, and learning more in depth about discipleship through membership in this ward I know that going forward I will be inspired to do as has been done for me. I will be seeking more to find the one out of the hundreds. 

Joe J. Christensen says, “I was visiting a returned missionary colleague, now a mathematics professor at BYU, who has made some interesting calculations of what will happen to Church population if present Church growth rates remain constant during the next twenty years [as of 1981]. He showed me that if the present growth rate of the Church in one particular country were to continue for the next twenty years, there will be more than three million members of the Church. There by the year 2000. Later, I made some further calculations. If just one hundred members of the church were effective in finding one other person each year with whom they could share the gospel, and who in turn would share it the same way with one other person in each succeeding year, there would be more than one hundred million new members of the church in Twenty years. That is what happens when exponential growth rates are accelerated. Even if just one person were to bring one other person into the Church each year, and each of them were to bring someone else into the Church, there would be 1,048,576 new members of the Church in twenty years.” 

I’d like to simplify this even further especially because of something I’ve learned just this past year; If one person were to bring one other person closer to Christ each year then there would be millions of Christians strengthened together in their numbers. The one needing to be brought into the fold might not even be outside of the fold to begin with. They might be within the fold, looking like they are doing just the right things, and trying their best to follow the master. To strengthen the church also looks like strengthening those within the same belief. 

As brother Christensen says, “We could help so much if we could just let people know who we are. And often we don’t need to do much more than open our mouths.” 

It’s through our God given gifts and following His inspiration that we can all experience our own exponential growth in Christ, together. 

XOXO

-Megan

Other Blog Posts of mine that have been highlighted throughout this post are: 

1. "Dating Jesus" where I talk about the dream I had that influenced the way I see discipleship. I go through the whole dream talking about even the more silly parts and then I break it down into what it means. The first part is very similar to the dream Lehi had in the beginning chapters of Nephi. It was the very answer I reflected upon to a question I'd be asking about three or four months later. 

2. "Known By Name" is a blog post from the first relief society discussion I lead when we first arrived here. It breaks down the importance of our covenants and why they're important on our own journeys relating it to the story of the iron rod. 

3. "Uncovering our Spiritual Gifts" Is a new blog post that as of the publication of this blog post on 8/12/2024 is not finished yet. It goes through the process of paleontologists do to uncover fossils and study them and relating that to our spiritual gifts. Among those gifts is the gift of the Holy Ghost which I talk more about in the second part of my "Prayers to Heaven" blog post which covers the difference between the spirit and the Holy Ghost. I decided to publish it because it seemed to fit this whole week of inspiration. 

I decided to publish these posts all at once even though they are in no real chronological order simply because they all are connected. Just as I mentioned above about being unable to fully acknowledge or appreciate my growth here these four blog posts are a collective of when I tried my best to record what I was being taught during my time here in Northern California. Interestingly enough along with nostalgia at how much time has passed here I have also felt that while this is the closing of our our Northern California chapter there are glimmers of the beginning of it circling back around. Another gift from God showing me where we started and where we are going.