My Nations Call Pt. 2

 Here is what Tech training for the Cyber Transport Systems as we finished up (all based on our experience and current knowledge):

It's broken down into three, now completed, classes:

1.  IT Fundamentals  November 30th 2020 - January 6th 2021
2. Cyber Transport Systems January 11th 2021 - April 13th 2021
3. Security Plus April 21st-May 25th 

Out Processing: 

This outline was finished on or by May 26th 

• Leave in Route - Was updated as follows take transportation from base to Gulfport, MS airport, fly home May 27th on Delta with one stop in Atlanta, GA and then the arrival time in Arizona at 1:38pm.  
  

Then take leave until June 9th 2021. The kids and I had written our a whole list of things we wanted to do with Da Beast when he got back which included:

Getting Ice Cream

Going to the Movies

Going out for Breakfast

Getting Donuts

Date Night!

Baby put on her list to have a date with daddy, eat cheese, wear sunglasses, and drink juice so Da Beast asked her out on a date to do all of those things together! 

Get coooookies!

Get pizza for our home remembrance dinner

• Government Assisted Moves (Packing and moving your household items from one place to the next)- Set for the first day of travel on June 10th for pack up. The week before they sent us email reminders and a list to estimate what kind of things they were going to need to pack. A day to two days before they text and called the time window we should expect the movers to arrive. From our understanding they will then move our things from our apartment to a storage location on Beale AFB since we don't have housing on base yet nor had we at the time heard back from them yet. 

• Seven Days of allotted travel with a mandatory break every 8 hours or 500mi, we can never seem to remember the amount we just knew we had to stop roughly around L.A. and we took the opportunity to make a vacation out of our break by stopping along the way:

Mariposa (butterfly) Alley in Riverside, CA 

The wall across from us was really bright, ha ha. 

We drove the rest of the way to Los Angeles checked into the hotel and then went to bed to get some rest for the next morning when we were going to Universal Studios! With two old tickets from last year, the kids tickets having never been printed, and the new COVID guidelines we were unsure how it was all going to work out but we were very blessed. Our tickets were reprinted with no problem but the kids tickets were difficult to find so a manager had to bring us to guest services where they were still difficult to find. While waiting I looked at the newly printed tickets and the blackout dates were different this year than last year. Last year said we could go on the 12th of June, the new tickets said every weekend in June but the 26th was blacked out. Once the kids tickets were found and printed the manager said that everything was good with the tickets and asked if this was our first time back. We said yes and she personally walked us through the gate and also handed us express passes to get onto the Secret Life of Pets ride quicker for the difficulty we had in getting the kids tickets. We couldn't believe it! We were in Universal studios and our first ride we wanted to go onto was Jurassic World! 

Bubba was tall enough but Baby had to wait and so we got to do parent switch on the ride and Caleb got to go twice. The ride was 130min wait normally but the nice woman at the express lane must have felt bad for Baby having to wait that long not just once but twice with nothing to do (they have a dinosaur playground right next to it but it was still closed) because she let Da Beast and Bubba through the express lane. I thought I might just cry from how blessed we were already for the day!

After we went on Jurassic World and then Transformers that everyone could go on it was time for lunch:

At the three broomsticks of course! Bubba loved the butter beer!

For the rest of the day we only went on rides that everyone could go on like Despicable Me, Secret Life of Pets, and a ride a Super Silly Funland and even watched a few shows that Bubba complained about at first but ended up loving like Water World: 

We decided to end out day with a very long wait for the well worth it studio tours. Our tour ended up leaving right at sunset and it was an awesome time to go but next time we might go first thing in the morning when the line is much shorter! 

On our way out we bought a doughnut at Lard Lad's to eat the next day...

It was pretty delicious and "dough" not worry we shared with the kids too 😜. For most of Sunday we just sat in the hotel and rested taking the children to the park for a little bit in the afternoon since they were going a bit stir crazy. On Monday we left the hotel first thing in the morning and drove two hours to a cute little town called Solvang: 

We ate breakfast at a cafe, walked through the chocolate and candy shops, bought some cheese and sourdough bread, and saw some cool clocks and a little mermaid statue. 

• Base Housing & Housing Application - Just before we arrived to Beale on the 12th or 13th we found out we were 6th place for housing now and will be checking into temporary housing through Gold Country Inn by Air Force Inn's which we checked into Monday the 14th 2021 for the next two weeks.      

  

What's Next?

On our way to Los Angles Bubba had mentioned that he wanted to go home which confused Da Beast and I a little. He knew we were moving. We've been prepping him for this for a long while and he knew that our home was going to be in California now. In fact he told everyone on our trip after that comment that we were moving. It wasn't until day two of being in temporary housing that I also had the  thought, "I want to go home". It's feeling like a long vacation where you get to the point where you've had your fun but now you're ready to go home. It was in that moment I understood. 'Home' really isn't a place because if it was it didn't matter where we were because we were moving and we've had places to stay. It's a feeling of safety, consistence, and familiarity. When Bubba said he wanted to go home and when I felt it it wasn't that we didn't understand we were moving or that we wanted to "go back" to where we left (although that might be a part of it because of the familiarity, safety, and consistency we felt there). It was because we felt the sudden severing of all we knew, of all the familiarity, safety, and consistency we felt. 

We were called here for duty, obligation, and desire but we are still trying to figure out our place not only in residency but socially and our new community. Not knowing which community to add our loyalties too or where we're going to reside increase those feelings of insecurity and the misplaced emotions have waved their flags high. There is a sense of desperation clouding the inspiration and sucking out the excitement of being somewhere new. 

Only after two days here I felt as though Beale, AFB was rather boring and I guess I expected something different because I felt a bit disappointed. I also acknowledged that we had only been here a few days and I'm not giving it much of a chance. It only took us that two days to walk the 8 minutes from temporary housing to the commissary and BX which wasn't much to look at and is a good majority of what you can "see" of base. 

The most exciting thing we saw on that walk was a very large rabbit the likes of which we thought was a small dog at first:

There is a movie theater across from the BX, playing four shows (two of which I doubted were children's movies). There is also a park in the family base housing on the other side of the base that we haven't seen yet but we've been a little busy trying to figure out where we're going to live after our two weeks is up at the temporary housing. 

After staying on base for a week and driving around to the nearby towns/ cities searching for houses to rent we started familiarizing ourselves with the area. I found out a few things that I've been loving about base and will miss when we will more than likely move off of it due to the waiting list for on base housing being a bit long. Those things include taps playing at 10 in the evening, Da Beast being able to come home for lunch, and the cheaper gas prices on base 😉. But that last one can easily still be used because Da Beast will be taking the car into work every weekday anyway. 

A few things we are glad we brought with us and what we wish we would've packed with us: 

What we Brought

• A step stool: This has been very handy in the hotel and temporary housing. In fact Da Beast and I have wondered why we haven't ALWAYS brought a step stool with us to every hotel we've gone too. It helps the kids reach the sink and there are never stools available for when you might need to reach something. 
• Food containers (especially kids sandwich containers): the temporary housing has food containers but the hotel does not and while traveling they have been a few of my favorite things to bring anyway because I can store leftover food AND reheat them in the microwave at the hotel so much easier! Plus it's easier to hand the children their food at lunch and snack times and it's easier for them to eat out of. 
• Two kids small backpacks full of their toys: This has been a lifesaver especially as we sit here in the temporary housing. Its been something I do for travels too just so they have a few toys to play with. 
• One set of our own bedding: this hasn't been necessary in the temporary housing but at the hotel it gave us extra bedding as we also brought sleeping mats for the kids and because I packed sheets and pillows as well it gave the kids something to lay on besides just the mat. When we got to temporary housing I just put their sheets over the other sheets for the past week and all I had to do was take of their sheets and throw them in the wash today and wallah! The bed was already made for me with the temporary housing bedding!
• Our food: I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to pack up the perishables anyway but I'm really glad I had necessities such as olive oil, flour, and seasonings. 
• Laundry baskets: these are one of those things that you wouldn't think to bring on a trip but they have been very helpful in carrying our more loose items in the car, carry in the groceries from the store, and to sort laundry and take them out of the dryer.  
• A different pair of shoes: instead of just tennis shoes all around I also brought dress up shoes and sandals for the children and I and Da Beast wishes he also brought different pairs of shoes. 

Things we Wish We Had:

• Reusable water bottles: I actually had planned to do this but before I knew it they were packed into a box and we bought new ones. 
• Children plates, bowls, utensils, and cups: These aren't super necessary but all they provide are breakables in temporary housing which makes me just a little more nervous. The kids are doing a really good job with the breakables but I'd be more at ease if I had kids plates, bowls, utensils and cups. 
• A few blankets: It may be about a hundred degrees outside everyday but sometimes it gets a little cold inside and a few blankets would have been nice but also not necessary. 
• Our X-box: There is "TV" in the temporary housing but the channels are VERY limited and there really isn't anything for the kids. Plus we wish we had some video games to play every now and then. Alongside this we wish we had an HDMI adapter to easily connect what we have to the larger monitor to watch what we want. 
• A dish drying rack: this is not a necessary item to have but I think it would have been nice to have because the hotel had nothing for that (but we didn't stay long enough to need to wash anything) and the temporary housing only has given us one towel. Having a drying rack would be nice for the smaller load of dishes that don't need the dishwasher. 

Things I Bought: 

• Refrigerated food (of course) as well as some bread, crackers, bananas, and onions. 
• Laundry soap pods
• Ice cream scoop
• Tongs 

Well that's it for now! 

Off to find a place to call home! 

XOXO

Megan 

Next blog post: Fly, Fight, Win! 

My Nations Call Pt.1

*This blog post covers the time from April 22nd to May 22nd and here's why...

Remember how hopeful the last blog sounded with the graduation from Da Beasts third and final class being projected May the Fourth? How I even thought Star Wars day would be the perfect day to graduate for him not only because of the famous saying "May the Force be with you" and it being the Air Force but also because that would mean he would be home by his birthday and mothers day and we wouldn't have to wait another month. Well is you couldn't tell by the way I worded all that, it didn't happen like that. 

Da beast was super bummed right away but I was still optimistic, at least for that first week in May, and then I got hit hard with emotions the weight of a ton of bricks. I think what really did it in for me was the thought: "I have no plans. I didn't plan this far ahead." I literally left the first few weeks of May wide open to just be experienced. I wanted to just have some fun as a family and get ready for our move. Instead I was left with the thought, "Now what?" It wasn't that I was bothered with continuing life the way it had been, it was that I had already moved on to the next step. 

I still tried to cling onto some hope by thinking that I didn't need to "wait" for things to happen to make plans. That even though it seemed like I might not have much choice with when Da Beast would be coming home but I could choose what I did with any time that I had to wait, which on May 5th-8th I didn't know when that could be, everything had to change now. The next security+ class that he could take was scheduled for the 11th which put his next test on the 25th. We weren't sure how that would work out with him needing to report no later than May 31st. 

May 9th, Da Beast decided he'd pay for the test himself and take it again because it gave him the chance to come home earlier than the 26th or 27th with his new current schedule, but if he didn't pass it wasn't going to get in the way with him taking the test again on the 25th. It seemed like a risk worth taking. When he didn't pass that it solidified the *new* current schedule.         

Here is what Tech training for the Cyber Transport Systems has looked like for us so far (This is all based on our experience and current knowledge):

It's broken down into three classes:

1.  IT Fundamentals  November 30th 2020 - January 6th 2021
2. Cyber Transport Systems January 11th 2021 - April 13th 2021
3. Security Plus April 21st-

We got the next duty assignment & Short Sheet about January 21st 2021 to Beale, AFB with the reporting date changed to no later than July 30th 2021 but we'll be heading up to Northern California sooner than that. Or at least that's what I hoped for. The next few weeks would prove to be a challenging time for my spirit.

Da Beast is still in his third and final class.

This class lasts about two weeks starting the 11th putting his test and graduation May 25th. Shortly after he submits his test he finds out if he passes or not and with the extra time to report to Beale we still have the two weeks of leave (in route) and then 7 days of travel.  

Out Processing: 

The steps involved in out processing (everything you need to do in order to leave your current base) involves your short sheet (which you can read more about on my previous blog).

This list then branches out into other items that need to be accomplished based off our your current situation before leaving base. For our family this meant additional TMO briefings more specific to: 

• Leave in Route - This isn't updated from the original dates until he passes his test but will most likely be taking transportation from base to Gulfport, MS airport and flying home May 26th.       
• Government Assisted Moves (Packing and moving your household items from one place to the next)- dates also aren't changed for this until he passes his test, but my guess was for packing up on the 4th of June. From our understanding they will then move our things from our apartment to a storage location on Beale AFB since we don't have housing on base yet.    
• Base Housing & Housing Application - This was only talked about in the TMO briefing but required us to seperatly go to the base housing website and submit an inquiry. They then called Da Beast with more information as well as sent him, you guessed it, more paperwork for the application process via email. Also in the email they detail what's included in the home, what you need to provide for yourself, and a little bit about the community and surrounding area. I don't know why but I was surprised by how similar it was to filling out applications for living in apartments. We currently have no idea what place we are in for housing now.       

Other items that need to be finished before leaving base (all of which was pretty much accomplished before his first test so he didn't have much left to do besides pack up and buy plane tickets):

• Any other out processing paper work and finalizing the above dates and routes 
• Close out mail box 5 days prior to leaving, which he already did before taking his first test and he just left it that way. 
• Be signed off on PT score
• Buy plane tickets 
• Get rid of/sell/ship/pack up belongings 

What else is about it?

Before Da Beast took his test on the fourth I fasted and prayed that he'd pass his test and come home and so did many others. That fast I was grateful for the power and opportunity of fasting in numbers. Knowing I wasn't alone or sacrificing alone was a comfort to me despite how the outcome wasn't as I expected. Before Da Beast took his second test I fasted and prayed again although this time I changed my perspective. I didn't fast for him to pass, my heavenly parents and I both knew that was going to happen although my vision of it was a lot more limited and my faith on that, I felt, faltered. I prayed and fasted for the assistance to "let go and let God". I knew that was what I needed to do, I knew that the way it turned out would be the best way and better than I could imagine or expect, and I knew Da Beast would pass his test despite how I was at war within myself on whether that was true or whether I was imagining it. If I knew all these things why was I holding on so hard to my ideals?! Not only could I seemingly not "let go" but I was also frustrated with myself that I wasn't! The answer to that fast and prayer was that is exactly why I was going through what I was: I was being tested. 

All of the answers to my questions began to tie together into a more cohesive thought on the tenth after I participated in a class I'm in called, "Joyful and Spiritual Birth" by Melissa Stoker which I was talked into taking by a friend and I decided "why not?" and decided to take it with her. The class is every other week and every single time I go to participate in the zoom call something happens that makes it more challenging for me to even arrive whether that be physical like a earlier time when I'm putting the kids to bed alone or a more mental such as wondering why I'm in a birthing class when I'm not pregnant, nor plan on being pregnant anytime in the future. 

As I was preparing for this birth class and again reflecting on the difficulty of participating in the class and wondering why I'm even in it I had a few thoughts, the first being, “I’m refining you.” Refinement is often related to that of precious stones where they take the raw element and then cut it, heat it, pressurize it, fill up any fractures caused by the impurities that have been removed which then leaves holes, and then polishing them. I’m sure no stone, if they could talk, would say this is a painless process by any means. I would also doubt any jeweler would tell you the process is "quick and easy".  

The second thought I had was that of following all the steps in this class. I’ve felt from the beginning that it isn’t necessary. This class, for me, is to help me in this refining process; not to prepare me for birth or another child but to guide me in areas I need to understand better; to take out the impurities and replace them with light, much like the tourmaline crystal which actually starts out very dark and then through light and heat is lightened in color. This class is more than just a birth class for mother and baby. This is a birth class for emotions and to increase spiritual connection. Both of which cannot work without the other just like mother and baby work together during physical birth. For me this meant that I'm going to take the class for how I need it all while having the support and insights from the group which have been spectacular. A few takeaways from this class were:

• I am not just a bystander to my life, waiting for things to happen, I am a partner with God in my life. With him I can decide what is next, especially when things don’t seem to go the way I expected. There is always a next step even if I don’t see it right away. I hold a powerful responsibility in my decisions even when others are involved.
• My experiences these past weeks have been teaching me how to discern these “voices” in my head: My own, the spirits, and the adversaries. There was even a specific moment when I was talking to my friend, who introduced me to this class, last week when it hit me: the thoughts I was having we're not my own. They were of the adversary. He knew he couldn’t shake me knowing that God was going to take care of my family and that we would be together again when Dax passes his test. So he used it against me which was unclear at first. Before and during my fast and prayers I would have thoughts such as “who am I to ask God for this? Who am I to tell God what I desire in my life when he is all knowing and already has a plan for me?” Once I realized it was a thought from the adversity it no longer had its power over me. Instead he has moved on to find more thoughts to twist and turn like “see? Dax is not passing his test. He’s failed twice. He’s failed you. He can’t support you so you shouldn’t support him. He’s not going to pass. You are going to continue to do this alone for even longer. You just give up your faith and the hope that it’ll ever happen”. As I continued to recognize this thoughts and disown them the power was taken away and the adversary no longer held that power over me until he found another angle to attack such as guilt for the thoughts I had or shame that I doubted God and his plan now. I was in the depths of a fight I struggled to believe I'd win but I kept pushing forward hoping that I would and I'd eventually find my relief.

Following this class I began to feel as though I was gaining more ground on my feelings and faith; I felt more relaxed and at peace; and I also realized after some time that I had finally let go and could now see the God's plan being put into place. I continued to make plans and try to soak up every minute of it because I felt it wasn't going to be too much longer before they all became memories. As I scheduled as far out in advance as was possible I began to see even more why Da Beast hadn't passed the first few times and why we needed to stay: I was learning, once again, that there are more than just my plans and desires in play. God creates the most beautiful balance of care between all their children .I was reminded that this work involves many, not just me. They do what is best for all not just the one. It was another confirmation to me that our Heavenly Parents truly love and care for each one of us individually, even on subconscious terms we may not have even given any thought to but we were grateful to receive it and during that time realize it was more important to us than we could've known. Such as a unexpected call from a son in Basic Military Training the day before your birthday,

more attendees to a graduation you didn't originally think was that important but it ended up meaning the world to you,

intense gratitude to a sister who was available to watch your children even though you initially dreaded asking her because she has so much else to do but it ended up blessing you both more than you ever thought, safety in knowing your sister is nearby during a time when you were scared and unsure, 

time with a friend at the park that you had first met and not thinking anything of it until you sit and reminisce with them,

extra time with a great grandmother to which you understand that there is always a chance that it could be the last, and being able to be certain that with this new schedule there would be no way you'd miss out on most of your friends and families schedules being perfectly aligned to surround you with their love and congratulations

 as well as being available to hold that new niece on her blessing day.

This thought became much more clear when I was in the next "Joyful Spiritual Birth" class held on the 24th of May when there was an excerpt from her booklet that said, "This is not just my experience it is our experience". Of course it was talking about how in pregnancy and birth the mother holds space for the body and spirit of another child of God. The woman's body then becomes a vessel that not only holds the spirit of the mother but the body and spirit of the child as well. So, in birth, it is not just the experience of the mother it is also the experience of the child. I interpreted this on a larger scale for myself while I had been reminded of the vastness and complexities of God: this is not just "me" it is "us". This birth class has made me realize the more I participate in it that it's not just for preparation for birth it is preparation for life situations. These are fundamentals girls to women should know, in my opinion, because they are the foundations of who they are. In fact I think anyone could gain something from these excerpts because it's a birth story with no beginning or end. The only thing that makes it more predominate knowledge for the female gender is because birth happens through them. 

“For a Few hours she becomes a wide-open portal into Heaven”- Heather Ferrell; the The Gift of Giving Life  

So why did I wait to write this blog? Well I've been posting on the 22nd or 23rd for the past 8 months and Da Beast would be taking his test only a few days after that. Honestly I didn't want to write a blog post that would be depressing and unsure. I wanted to be able to write a blog post that said, "Hooray he passed!" But then once the day came where Da Beast was to take his test I then found I ran out of time and now looking back I see the beauty that was there the whole time. 

So instead of one blog post this month I'll be writing two posted on the same day. 

XOXO

Megan

Next Blog Post: My Nation's Call Pt.2 

Level & True

7 months down and from the look of things only a few more weeks to go!  

Here is what Tech training for the Cyber Transport Systems has looked like for us so far (This is all based on our experience and current knowledge):

It's broken down into three classes:

1.  IT Fundamentals  November 30th 2020 - January 6th 2021
2. Cyber Transport Systems January 11th 2021 - April 13th 2021
3. Security Plus April 21st-

We got the next duty assignment & Short Sheet about January 21st 2021 to Beale, AFB with the reporting date as no later than May 31st 2021 but we'll be heading up to Northern California sooner than that. 

Da Beast is in his third and final class.

This class only last about two weeks putting his graduation about May 5th! Supposedly he'll be taking the test on May 4th, so, as they say: May the Force be with him. It's the fourth, the Air FORCE, I mean... He's just GOT to pass, right?! Ha ha!

Out Processing: 

The steps involved in out processing (everything you need to do in order to leave your current base) involves your short sheet, so named probably because it only has the basic things needed to be done, hence the "sheet" of paper is a "short" list of items to finish. This by no means, means it is accomplished quickly, just that it's a small list: 

• TMO (Travel Management Office) Briefing (see below) 
• Medical and dental - Da Beast just had to fill out an appointment slip with his Military Training Leader and then he could be relieved from his duties to go to the "appointment" where all he did was turn in his order to have them sign off that he was good and had no history that needed to be addressed. I placed quotations around appointment because all he did was drop off his paperwork to be signed off and then all he has to do is to go pick it up. If he had a pain or needed to have wisdom teeth removed like his friend had then he would have to have that completed before they would sign off for him.  
• Out processing Pay briefing (Financial briefing)- This still needs to be completed
• Sponsor new location information briefing- This is done but Da Beast has a sheet that needs to be signed that it is finished. 

This list then branches out into other items that need to be accomplished based off our your current situation before leaving base. For our family this meant additional TMO briefings more specific to: 

• Leave in Route - For Da Beast he needed to talk to a few people at the TMO office about the route he will be taking to his next base since he is wanting to come home first. This meant he needed to detail out him leaving his current base, where he's flying home from, the city his home is located in, where we're driving to, where we are taking our mandatory break by 500mi/ 8 hours driven, and how many days of leave he can take and accompanied allotted travel days. After talking to this person we were able to figure out that he has two weeks between leave and travel days before we have to be at base. If you're able to follow along (bless you in this mess) that means with Da Beast's leave starting the 6th of May after his security plus graduation we will need to be to base no later than the 20th of May. He filled out some paperwork for this route that (although reliant on the actual completion of Security Plus) needs to be signed off on and then updated if needed, aka his days move around.     
• Government Assisted Moves (Packing and moving your household items from one place to the next)- We have the tentative date of May 14th for them to come by, pack up our apartment, and move our things. Da Beast worked this out with a kind lady in the TMO office who had him fill out paper work to submit to their contracted movers who will then contact us to confirm an actual day for moving. From our understanding they then move our things from our apartment to a storage location on Beale AFB.   
• Base Housing & Housing Application - This was only talked about in the TMO briefing but required us to seperatly go to the base housing website and submit an inquiry. They then called Da Beast with more information as well as sent him, you guessed it, more paperwork for the application process via email. Also in the email they detail what's included in the home, what you need to provide for yourself, and a little bit about the community and surrounding area. I don't know why but I was surprised by how similar it was to filling out applications for living in apartments. We are, as of the day this post is posted, 10th place in line for on base housing, but have to submit the application paperwork to secure that hold. If there is no home available by the time we move they do offer temporary 10-day housing we can move into and request more time if needed. They are expecting a good amount of families to be moving, or rather PCS (Permanent Change of Station), to another base in May so if we do have to wait for housing it shouldn't be for long.       

Other items that need to be finished before leaving base:

• Any other out processing paper work and finalizing the above dates and routes 
• Close out mail box 5 days prior to leaving (this is NEXT WEEK!) 
• Be signed off on PT score
• Buy plane tickets 
• Get rid of/sell/ship/pack up belongings 

What's next?

We wait, or rather I wait...some more. *insert fake and slightly hysterical laughter *.

I was planning on starting packing which I've actually been doing here and there to combat my antsy feelings of being together again but Da Beast was told specifically by the lady he talked to at one of his additional TMO briefings to NOT DO THAT. The company they contract with need to see all items to inventory them before they pack them and ship them. Who else automatically heard the conversation between Daniel Hillard and his new boss Tony in "Mrs. Doubtfire" just now? 

They then take those boxes and pack them and ship them. 

After you pack them?

You ship them. Lots of luck. 

I'm not sure how I feel about it; On the one hand I'm happy to not have to pack, load, and move all our belongings but on the other hand it's how I usually process a move. It's a slow way of saying goodbye and transitioning from one place to the next. If I'm not supposed to pack what am I supposed to do? Especially for these next two intense weeks. Not necessary intense because of the content of them and the tasks to be accomplished but more because of all the hope riding on it. It's a lot of pressure for Da Beast, I'm sure, and I want to make sure I'm as much of a supporter as I can be. All of this amps up my anxiety and when that happens I like the busy work to distract myself but for me that was packing and now I have nothing. So what do I do? I try and make plans with others outside the home so I don't get fidgety staring at all the items that whisper "pack me! pack me!" 

Humor mixed with complex feelings aside we're doing really good! I feel positive that Da Beast is going to pass and be home in a couple of weeks. I feel peaceful and excited about that leaving no room to doubt that that isn't true. In true anxious fashion, however, I still worry that I'm wrong and it's all just "wishful thinking" despite my strong feelings that it'll all be "perfectly fine". I have to remind myself that I am interpreting feeling. This doesn't mean it's exactly how it'll happen, it's how I guess it will happen based on the information I have before me. The best part of all of it ,and that I have to look forward to, is to look back and see exactly what God had planned for us. I get glimpses and can put together somethings with His help but when I look back on the event I can then see the whole inner workings of His work and how perfectly aligned it was and how I wouldn't have wanted it any other way, even if I thought it'd be something different. 

All I can do is to level my view with His to the best of my ability. 

Sometimes this isn't all that clear because the what I feel like I "should" be doing isn't the same as what I "need" to be doing. I've been a student of this concept of thought for awhile now but this past month took that up a level. I guess I was ready for more challenging puzzles than the ones I had already solved. 

This thought process started back almost ten years ago when Da Beast and I were first married and I was assigned to visiting teaching (now called ministering) and I knew how it "should" be done: contact, lesson, "let us know if you need anything", and report. I didn't like this method and even talked about it in my blog post: "A Friend...Indeed" back in 2018. I believed that I was to make friends, not tasks. I followed what I felt prompted to do rather than what I thought "should be done" because that's how it's "been done". 

The next major thing I've implemented into my life for the past few years that may seem "wrong" based on the way things have been done before is I don't fast on fast Sundays. I still combat the thoughts that I "have to" because it's a "fast Sunday" and that's "my duty" but through a very invigorating conversation with my husband we discovered together that it was more important to be "prepared" to fast than to fast just because it's the first Sunday of the month. If we woke up that morning and thought "ah dang it I forgot it was fast Sunday" we wouldn't fast. Instead we made fasting a part of our daily lives. What I mean by this is we kept it out of our heads and put it in our hearts where we felt it was meant to be. We thought about about our prayers and struggles we were making and when the time was right and we felt we needed that extra strength, extra courage, or just to show sincere gratitude we would set the time to fast and we would do it, more often on a random Sunday than the first Sunday, but it's been during the week too. These lessons on true intention seemed easy compared to the two I've had this month alone. 

The first one was while I was reading Isaiah and using my "Understanding Isaiah" book as a companion study. I had just poured my heart out prayer where I had some deep concerns and the moment I started reading I was having other thoughts flood my mind. Thinking I was just distracting myself from my "more important work" I pushed the thoughts away over and over trying to read. After about the third time of reading the same first sentence I decided to let my thoughts roll where they wanted to. What I discovered was God was trying to answer my prayer. I was trying to put aside my direct and personal inspiration to study my scriptures! This still blows my mind because I know the importance of studying scripture but I was so determined to do so it actually became a distraction for what God wanted to tell me. Once I listened and wrote down what He said to me there was a pause and I would then be able to read my scripture which was then filled with more depth than usual. More thoughts would come and again when they stopped I'd read some more. This repeated until I was finished studying and the inspired light had left after accomplishing what it needed to do. I had just learned another lesson on what I "need" to be doing verses what I "should" be doing. 

The most recent one was during General Conference weekend. Like all conferences before I set up the kids tent and got out the Melissa and Doug's 'Let's Explore S'mores and More Campfire Playset' for our "Conference Campout". This has been a perfect way to get the kids excited about conference and to let the kids play and listen to conference while I watched it and took notes. For whatever reason it didn't work out like that this past April 2021 general conference. The tent was flat before the first Saturday session ended. After I took them to the park to spend all their energy they had their reserve energy to fight right next to me on the couch so I couldn't hear anything in the second session on Saturday. I struggled, pushed through, and felt as though I was being told of all the wrong things I was doing during that afternoon session for Saturday General Conference. I was doing the "right" thing. I was doing what I "should" be doing so why did I feel so angry, frustrated and defeated? For the rest of the weekend I just went through the motions of watching General conference when all I wanted to do was re-watch the first season of 'the Chosen'. Instead I did what I felt like I should be doing and felt guilty for not having had my heart in it or really being able to pay attention to much of it. It wasn't until a few weeks, conversation, and re-watching one of the talks that had left me feeling the most guilty again that I realized that watching General Conference that weekend wasn't what I 'needed' to be doing. The way I knew that it would have been an alright decision for me to have made was the activities I wanted to replace it with: spending time with my kids and watching a TV show about Jesus and his ministry. That weekend those were the things that I "needed" and possibly what my kids needed too. I wouldn't have been "giving up" watching general conference after the first session on Saturday to some justifications I would have been following inspiration for my family and I and when it was time and I was ready I would follow further instructions to watch the general conference talks I needed. When I had re-watched the first-time-around-guilt-inducing talk it had transformed into a comforting call of action right before my eyes. It really showed me that day that attitude is everything and to not beat yourself up if you're not "in the right attitude" but rather follow the steps to get there and do what is "needed" not what "should" be done. 

A bonus lesson that is only a conceptual thought as of now is that "there is no such thing as time". I've thought about it from time to time (ha ha...punny) but it hasn't really formed into much, at least not yet. Some thoughts I've had are as such: 

• We may live in physical time but the spirit has no time. 
• If we are working on God's time and we give our time to him than anytime is a good time to do what is needed. This means there is no inconvenient time to serve someone, there is no such thing as "too early" for a message from God (anyone else wake up at 3am with no reason as to why?), and there is no "wasting" of your time because there is a reason and lesson for all of it. 

In conclusion if we give our time to God this brings it back around to living a level and true lifestyle of trying to align our goals and desires with His and following His inspiration with true intentions regardless of the time of day, day of the week, week of the month, and so on. 

This isn't to say we throw everything out the window to do whatever we want because somethings are "too hard" or we just "don't want to". This isn't to say that we throw schedules and planning out the window either. What it IS saying is that when our time is God's time we will be where we need to be when we need to be there and often times we won't know why that is until we're there. This includes things we "should" be doing and the schedules and plans we uphold ourselves by.

Just with a more leveled heart and true intention to fly the straight course home. 

XOXO

Megan 

Next Post: My Nations Call Pt. 1              

  

Wild Sky

    6 months down, about 2 more to go! 

Let's Review:

• Tech training for Da Beast's career in Cyber Transport Systems is broken down into three classes:     1.) IT Fundamentals                                                                                                                             2.) Cyber Transport Systems (a more in-depth version of fundamentals from our understanding)           3.) Security Plus 
•  Da Beast is still in his second class which he started on January 11th and is estimated to be finished by April 1st, but more realistically might be a week later by the 9th.     
• Da Beast has his duty assignment as we've been dangling for the past two months and even played a little game in our last blog post "They Gave Us Wings" where we listed some facts about the base we will be reporting to by May 31st 2021. As promised we are officially announcing that we will be stationed at Beale, AFB in Northern California! The reason why "9" was such as big deal and one of the hints is because Beale is the 9th Communication Squadron and NINE has been Da Beast and my number since before we were married. It's been a special number to us and has appeared in many scenarios as a comfort and confirmation of the direction our lives are taking. Not always but often. So if you guessed correctly, congratulations! Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back! 😉 And thanks for playing! 
• Da Beast has received his orders. However we're still figuring things out and Da Beast is still doing his class and working through his short sheet meetings. We've been told as we get closer to him being done we will have a sponsor from Beale that will help with housing, moving, and any other questions we may have. Are hopes are to have Da Beast have leave-in-route where he can come back "home" and we can say our goodbyes and move together as a family. We're hoping to get on base housing and I have already looked at some local things to do and we're excited to start exploring! We're almost there!

This past month has been a "wild" one and I even took to the "skies" quite literally! Since before Da Beast had even left for BMT (basic military training) we, as a family, had made plans to visit. The idea was to go every couple of months, so after the kids and I drove to Mississippi to see him I had already had the tentative plan to travel by myself in February for Valentines Day. It was my turn to "plan" Valentines Day and it happened to be a weekend so it seemed like the perfect plan....

What actually happened wasn't really anything I had planned but it ended up being the actual perfect plan; a better plan as it often is. 

From the time the kids and I came home from our trip I felt off about going on a trip in February. I wrote it off throughout December as "we just got home from a trip so that's probably the last thing I want to do right now" or "I have time to plan it". But as the New Year rang in so did an intensified worry. If I wanted decent pricing and peace of mind I had to plan my trip in January. The first 3 days felt the longest and consumed by  researching flights, hotel stays, and even different dates that weren't February 14th. Nothing felt right and I kept circling back to the same thought that I didn't want to admit let alone voice to Da Beast. I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere: the flights into Biloxi always had a layover and being winter I didn't want to get stuck somewhere for the whole weekend and the prices for hotels were crazy expensive Valentines weekend and I didn't think our bank account was ready for another large amount to be taken from it. The only thing that even kind of felt alright was going the next weekend instead of Valentines weekend, but without feeling positive about the transportation and stay that was deemed useless. By the 3rd of January I admitted my feelings to Da Beast in their true raw form: I didn't think the February trip was going to happen. 

January 4th- Da Beast and I would FaceTime every night and that evening he told me we had just gotten a check into our bank account and maybe that would help our trip planning dilemma. I told him that if the check covered our previous December trip and other credit accumulated for military items and the price for the trip fit within the amount left over I'd reconsider going. I began to research immediately and found a direct flight to New Orleans with perfect flight hours to increase time spent with Da Beast over the weekend following Valenitnes Day, I found a AirBNB with the right price, and I found a rental car all within the remaining amount for the check. In fact it was even two dollars under. It seemed too perfect but I despite the few reservations remaining I felt MUCH better about the trip and felt the urge to book everything. As I did so I realized I forgot to put on some travel car insurance which put me slightly over budget but not much and I felt alright about that too. So I booked, told Da Beast and then didn't think about it for the next two weeks until one night for our FaceTime Da Beast told me that due to some underage drinking and late night partying all students on base were restricted to the triangular shaped student section of the base. The reason this is a plot twist for the story is because I am not allowed on 'the triangle'. The triangle is for "students only" and if I wasn't allowed on and Da Beast wasn't allowed off there was suddenly no point to my visit. Strangely enough I felt it would all be fine and the restriction would be lifted before I left for my visit to see him. Da Beast wasn't so sure as he replied with "I hope so." 

As the days ticked by for the next three weeks my faith and hope that "all would be well" danced with confusion. Why had I felt off about the trip in the first place? Was it because of this situation? Then why did I also feel all would be alright and the planning of the trip seemed to all line up as if it was meant to be? Was I being prepared that there would be challenges surrounding this trip I had to prepare for? What was I supposed to learn? 

Nothing made sense and as the time got closer to my trip I had to then admit to myself that this trip in this way might not happen. I regretfully had to look in when I needed to cancel by and get at least a half return on my AirBNB. I had plans A-D all lined up but ultimately I knew His plan was in play, I just didn't know the details yet and even though I had a preference for plan A I knew His was always in my best interest and I clung to that faith and inspiration. 

Suddenly it was the beginning of the week I would have to cancel and rearrange my trip, two whole weeks until my flight, and I was miserable. I had felt it would be fine so why wasn't it? Why did it all feel so wrong? 

Everyone around me at this point had been praying for Da Beast and I but I hadn't. I had felt so sure that it would all work out and the restrictions would be lifted. I had followed all the promptings given to me on the decisions I was uneasy about. I had seen the blessings of finances and timing work for this. I had felt so sure I hadn't even thought to pray for it, for us. 

And now it seemed silly to do so, childish even. I wasn't getting what I wanted so I was going to go and pray to my Father in Heaven and beg him to give it to me? To complain about how I wasn't getting my way? 

Despite these thoughts I prayed anyway. I told him I felt silly and childish. I told him that I felt the trip was necessary to get Da Beast and I through the next few months, to finish this straining time strong. I felt we needed it but I understood if he had a different plan, I was ready for that. I understood that the leaders on the base did the best they thought they could do with these challenges placed before them but if there was another way could they be inspired to handle it that way instead? Even if there were early curfews in place during my visit I would take it as long as I got to see my husband for a just a few days. I haven't complained about any of the other restrictions they had, had in place previously due to the corona-virus but this I was having a hard time standing by. And if I needed to could He help me understand?

It was a tearful prayer that ended in peace and I went to sleep. 

The very next day, the 13th of February, Da Beast Face-timed me and told me that the restriction to the triangle had been lifted but they still had a curfew of 9pm! I didn't care! I was thrilled to not have to cancel my trip and to just be able to see him! It was then I had the intensified thought that was not my own say, "I know you listen to me. I know you try your best to follow my instructions and rely on your faith. But I needed you to talk to me about it." That was the lesson I needed to learn: to ask, even if I already felt so sure of how things were going to go I still needed to talk to Him. 

Going through the next few weeks living in cautious optimism I prepared for my trip by getting my kids ready to stay with my sister and her husband and what I was going to bring still unsure if this was actually going to happen. I had thought I wasn't going to go on the trip and I was going to cancel but come February 26th I drank a smoothie since I was too nervous to eat, took my electronic ticket and single bag to the airport and was on my way. 

Security check-in went quickly and smoothly and before I knew it I was sitting at my gate just waiting to board. My nerves died down and soon I was on my plane with the entire ninth row all to myself.

The flight went by with no issue, some complimentary pretzels and bottle of water and before I knew it I was landing in New Orleans, getting on the rental car shuttle, and then prepared to get my rental car. 

But the Thrifty rental station was dark and closed with only a sign saying to go to the Hertz booth. I walked over to find an extremely long line of both Hertz and Thrifty rental customers. I tried to look for another way but inevitably ended up standing in that line. There were many who got in line only to get out of line claiming they were just going to pay the cancellation fee and get a different rental car. I decided to wait even though I was hungry, thirsty, and my phone was about to die. This wasn't a part of my plan either. My plan was to get the rental car, plug in my phone to charge, and drive the hour and thirty minutes to meet Da Beast on base and have dinner with him. Besides it was barely three in the afternoon, I still had time. After some time passed I heard the woman behind me on the phone talking about cancellations and the fees to the person she was talking to. Somewhere in their conversation she had mentioned that we had already been standing in line for two hours. I have been standing in line for TWO HOURS?! I looked at my phone that I was trying really hard not to use to conserve battery and sure enough it was about 5pm. At that point I wasn't sure I was going to make it in time to see Da Beast before his nine o'clock curfew. I contemplated cancelling and worried that my phone battery wasn't going to last and that either of those things could cause me to loose my place in line. So I waited. Finally it was my turn and I was so ready to be out of there that I agreed to pretty much anything and worried slightly about what I had agreed too completely because I could barely hear the woman through her mask. I got in my rental car and hit the road immediately not bothering to try and find a place to eat. I'll do that once I'm in Biloxi. 

About thirty or so minutes into my drive the sun had set and a truck was flashing their lights behind me. Thinking that they thought I was going to slow I moved over only to have them drive beside me and wave at me. Was something wrong with the car? I looked all over but there was no indications that anything was wrong with it. They got behind me and flashed their lights again so I moved lanes and tried to slow down to roll down my window and ask them what it was. They drove up next to me again and yelled that my headlights weren't on. 

They weren't?! This was a 2020 Toyota Corolla with all these fancy things and the headlights weren't automatic?! I thought they were on! 

"My lights aren't on?" I confirmed and she yelled "yes!" back at me. I felt entirely foolish and turned on my lights trying to find the darn button/switch without pulling over. I couldn't find it and inevitably pulled over and took a few minutes to find them. With all the others on the road it was bright enough that I couldn't even tell they weren't on. I still felt foolish but then I was immediately grateful to the couple who noticed me and took the time and dedication to get my attention. It could've been worse. 

Before long I was back on the road and made it to Biloxi in two hours verses the one and a half hours I thought it would be, but given the hour and everyone going home from work it made sense that my drive time was extended. The moment I found a drive-thru going in the direction I was I pulled over and quickly ordered something to just get something in my stomach. I ate in the car the next ten minutes to the base where I finally got to see Da Beast, even if it was only for forty-five minutes. I had made it! We vowed we would wake up as early as possible the next morning to really make use of our weekend together. And that's just what we did:

Saturday we spent fifteen-ish hours just talking, hugging, and walking around

On Sunday we ate MRE(Meals Ready to Eat) picnic out in the beautiful weather. 

This was our Valentines Day.

Monday until four in the evening I was on my own. Because the weekend is usually the only time Da Beast had to do laundry I offered to do it for him since my Airbnb had a washer and dryer and I didn't have any other real plans for Monday. It was just laundry so I thought nothing of it. I didn't expect all the emotions that came with it. 

Before Da Beast went to basic it was one of the things I was secretly glad I wouldn't have to do but as I stood there folding his clothes after month of not doing so I suddenly burst into tears. OVER LAUNDRY! But it really wasn't about the laundry was it? No. This laundry wasn't JUST laundry. It meant that Da Beast was near, that he was apart of my day and I got to see him, that he was tangible and there through comforts and struggles. Laundry, although a mundane and dreaded task most days, suddenly became a meaningful memory of love, service, and life. It was something else to add to the list of things I would miss when I returned home. 

After all the laundry was finished I decided I wasn't just going to sit around but take myself on a drive and see what kind of adventure would unfold from the day. 

I ended up driving down the 90 and across the water to a town called Ocean Springs were I walked around the cute down town shops.

I bought nothing but the sites and small shops and designs were fantastic. I even got to see a train pass by from a ground view which I don't think I've ever experienced before.

After my walk along the shops I took myself down the bridge I had just driven across connecting Biloxi and Ocean Springs. I had seen people walking it and I knew that was something I was going to do, and so I did. About a quarter of the way into my walk it began to rain, but not a full on rain, rather a mist. It was already humid so I hadn't even realized how wet I had become until I went to move a hair from my face and felt the whole side of my face drenched. Also I had to laugh at the differences of the when I started my walk:

To when I was about to finish it:

Luckily the clouds held on until I finished my walk and sat in the car before it broke free and rained hard. This had me changing my plans to walk through Old Biloxi Cemetery to a drive-through-tour. 

After all my driving around it was still only barely into the afternoon and I didn't want to return to the AirBNB and just sit there but I was hungry, had to use the bathroom, and didn't know what else to do so I went back. I found a can of chicken noddle soup in the cupboard which tasted amazing in this weather and pre-ordered some local food to pick up for Da Beast and I to have for dinner since he wasn't allowed off the base to see what any of local Mississippi had to offer. 

I ordered three meals for the two of us but I just couldn't choose between the BBQ pork sandwich and the fried green tomato BLT! And of course I got Da Beast a shrimp Po Boy since I was able to try one in December in New Orleans and it was his right to also get to try one. 

After dinner we talked and said our last goodbye for the next few months.

The next morning was the day of departure and I was sad not only because I was leaving Da Beast behind but also I had grown a fondness for Biloxi and I was going to miss it. The weather was a stark contrast to the warmth of the weekend. It was cold and drizzly but even when it seems bleak there is always a bright spot. Mine was this little bird. It sat there tapping on the window and I was sure it would fly away when I tried to get a picture of it but it didn't. 

Because my flight wasn't until later in the afternoon I decided to take the scenic route home along the 90 towards the west and I loved it. I left in the morning no longer wanting to feel so close to Da Beast and not being able to do anything about it or see him that evening. I stopped at a Walmart to go to the bathroom and then a little while later when it was Da Beast's lunch time. We both had leftovers from the large amount of food I had purchased the night before so we Face-timed and ate lunch together in a shopping mall parking lot before I continued on. 

By the time I dropped off the rental car back in New Orleans and took the shuttle back to the airport I was still a few hours ahead of my flight. In fact on the shuttle I got a notification that my flight was delayed a half an hour. When I arrived at the airport I got another notification that my flight was delayed another half and hour. So I sat and read until I couldn't any longer and even when the boarding time came there was still no plane. Once the plane landed a bit after the estimated arrival time we waited a few more minutes while they offloaded and we finally got to board. I once again got a whole row of chairs to myself and because I had spent hours reading I didn't have anything else to do so I napped for about twenty minutes and took pictures when I could.

When I finally landed home we still sat in the Airplane because there was some ground traffic. Perhaps there were many flights that arrived at once and they each waited to take their turn to be sorted to their docking station where we got to offload. I was greeted outside by many cars and when the time was right I quickly jumped into the car my sister was driving and got to see my kiddos! 

Life might seem wild at times, untamed and crazy. It might appear as if there is no real direction or meaning but if you look from a different perspective by zooming in closer to the matter or by panning out and taking a look at the bigger picture you begin to see that all the meaningless moments were preconceived layers of development and understanding. You see it was all constructed into a timeline for a story adorned with twists, turns and wild romance. Not the kind of wild romance often depicted of in the great novels or media but the kind that is dependent on nothing, it just is. The kind of romance that motivates, remembers, and gives. The kind of romance that is limitless because it has no beginning or end. It just goes where it has perfectly planned forever: teaching, molding, comforting, and surviving through it all. It takes us along and although we don't see it all and deem it wild it couldn't be further from the definition of "untamed", as it is perfect as it is.

XOXO

Megan 

Next Blog Post: Level & True      

 

 

   

           

They Gave Us Wings

   5 months down, about 3 more to go! 

Let's Review:

• Tech training for Da Beast's career in Cyber Transport Systems is broken down into three classes:     1.) IT Fundamentals                                                                                                                             2.) Cyber Transport Systems (a more in-depth version of fundamentals from our understanding)           3.) Security Plus 
•  Da Beast is still in his second class which he started on January 11th and is estimated to be finished by April 1st.     
• Da Beast has his duty assignment as previously mentioned in the last post "Skies to Conquer" but we have yet to disclose where we will be moving to once Da Beast is done with all his classes and gets his orders. The difference between an "assignment" and "orders" is the assignment is basic information and details on where and when to report. This assignment sheet is then coupled with (but not often received at the same time) with a to-do list known as the short sheet which describes all that needs to be done now that the assignment has been given. These to-do items include things such as briefings for the Airman to attend that outline things such as what your short sheet means for you, who your sponsor is for your new base, leave (time off), TMO (Traffic Management Office) which is a fancy way of saying what you need, get, and are responsible for when you're moving, and medical/dental out processing, which means he gets all checked out before leaving. This one usually doesn't happen till a few weeks before you leave and once you have your orders. Which brings me to the orders! 
• Da Beast has received his orders. This is a more official document of the assignment. It basically relays the same information as the assignment sheet but 'orders' are used very similar to an important document such as a passport for overseas or like providing another form of "identification" for the medical/dental appointments and can use it for transportation from one base to another for a more smooth transfer.  

So far we're still figuring things out and Da Beast is still doing his class and working through his short sheet meetings. But you're probably thinking, "that's nice but, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" and "WHEN ARE YOU GOING?" 

So we thought we'd play a little game. 

We, Da Beast and I, have collected a bunch of tid-bits and facts about where we will be stationed come the end of May, his report date being May 31st. Then we'll see if you readers can guess where it is! Ready?!

1. It's on the list that we submitted of the top 8 land places we'd like to get sent to. That means it's either: Vandenburg, CA; Beale. CA ; Nellis, NV; Peterson, CO; Schriever, CO; McChord, WA; Hill, UT; Macdill, FL. There was also a separate list for overseas locations we'd like to go but the only bases we put on their were the ones for Hawaii. 
2. If you remember from the last blog post I mentioned that my guess was it was going to be in Nevada but I was wrong so you can mark that one off the list. 
3. I also mentioned in my last post that it has the number nine in it which is Da Beast and my number since we were dating. I can't include anything else about this because it's a dead giveaway. 
4. There is a book written about what happened with this base during the cold war. 
5. It's within an hour away from a states capitol.
6. Da Beast's soon-to-be squadron symbol involves a Greek letter.
7.  This Squadron was activated on May 1st 1949. 
8. This base is 23,000 acres of land and it's not even the biggest Air Force base. That title goes to Eglin AFB! But we're not going to Eglin. Because of the size of our assigned base there are 5 gates/ entry points which operate at different hours so it can be difficult to find and navigate the base.
9. This base is located in the state which is considered to have the most military bases in the United States.

So that's it! Did you figure out where we're going?! If not don't worry, we'll officially announce a month from now in our next blog post. 

For now let's talk about what it means to be "given wings". 

Before a caterpillar 

can live out it's dream to fly,

it must face the predators

that factor out not how they live,

but how they die.

Next it walks step by step, 

a tasty leaf to find,

but if the tree has scarcity,

it may feel life's unkind. 

But should it go and preserver 

and grow up over time

a silk pad must it create

to attach itself to the vine. 

The final step this creature takes 

might seem the easiest of them all 

a nice warm spot to rest,

it seems the efforts small.

But zoom in on the process

observing what it must do,

this tiny larva must shed it's skin

of all it thought it knew. 

It forces all it off

only to form a chrysalis

the once viewed form of shelter

feels like somethings a miss.

The caterpillar wiggles

confined in it's small space

only with it's thoughts 

it may seem it's a hopeless case. 

It may think, "didn't I let this go?"

"The trials that troubled me?"

"Didn't I run far away?"

"to avoid adversity?"

"Didn't I struggle long enough?" 

"And worked my hardest here?"

"Shouldn't I be resting now?"

"But I'm just consumed by fear."

It may wonder,

if it'll get it's wings someday. 

To soar throughout the sky,

a freedom, if it may. 

But what the tiny caterpillar

may not be able to see,

is the kindest of another

that protects and lets it be.

Then one day 

when it's found it's time,

it wiggles and breaks free,

the wings become unfolded,

"the wings they gave to me."

It see's all the others,

to help it continue on,

the mother with her life,

the one who shared her son. 

The one who gave some of his leaf

to fill the caterpillars stomach

the one that stood by it's side

to make sure it didn't plummet.

The caterpillar now flies away

 off towards it's new found purpose,

with challenges for it still to find,

but now it knows its worth it.

If you've kept up with my other blogs or have talked to me in person,  you know that January has been my very own chrysalis. I've been shedding off old ways of thinking and learning through the lessons life has been given to me over the past four years. I've been helped and supported by many and I've been encompassed by the love of Heaven on multiple occasions. All of this continuing to layer itself to where I've come and who I've become. None of it's been easy but I kept going because I felt like I was achieving something great. Then this past month (plus) I felt encased in it all. Old thinking patterns returned, old mistakes surfaced, guilt and anger consumed me, and I felt suffocated and trapped in my own head, with brief moments of fresh air. I felt like I was going around in circles, just chasing after my own tail and then last night I broke through and this morning I woke up with a two words on repeat in my mind:

Fragmented Reality.

So I looked it up and when I saw the topic I was going to write about in the blog today I thought it was perfect. Fragmented reality is when you envision your reality that you're living as something entirely different than what you're actually living. This came to me because I had had enough with the dependency I've had on technology but specifically my phone. Everything is on there so conveniently. 

Now, I've been frustrated with my dependency on my phone before and wanting to have freedom from it but not seeing how that was possible when that's how I communicate with others, that's where my calendar and camera are, that's where I store all my notes, etc etc. A few weeks ago I even wrote out a list of all the phone app substitutions I'd have to have to give up my phone:

Texting: writing a personal letter or waiting to call

Call: Bluetooth handset for cell phones

Face to Face Apps:(where possible) see in person 

Recipes: recipe book/tablet in kitchen 

Internet: computer set up

Photos: hand held camera with SD card 

Videos: camera with video capabilities 

Electronic Notes/ reminders: paper & lament/ 👩‍💻 

Reading apps: library/physical book copies

Finance: computer

Maps: GPS

Email: computer

Music/You Tube: Alexa/ CD player/ computer

Shopping app: mail ads/ shop in person/local

Scripture app: physical scriptures

Calendar: physical calendar 

Calculator: physical calculator 

Obviously not all of this is exactly logical or sound, it was after all a quick jot down of thoughts, but the idea was to figure out what things I COULD swap to live a more intentional and free-flowing life. I did nothing but it had given me the thought of the driving force behind my dependency: the difference between immediate gratification and suspense gratification, which I could write a whole other blog post on but I'll focus on how it pertains to fragmented reality before I REALLY get off on a tangent.

Basically because of this thinking to be "immediately" available to share my life or observe others living on social media, "immediately" available to respond to text messages, "immediately" gratified by capturing the moment and other seemingly "important" apps, my dependency was created and a very different chrysalis was formed. This dependency and chrysalis had me believing that's what my reality was. 

However, when I turned off my phone, vowing to not turn it on until I had specific phone calls or when I'm going out I felt the spreading of my wings and the freedom that came with that. 

But my mind hadn't caught up yet. 

This morning when my mind was in between asleep and awake it began conjuring up scenarios or things that I should look up "really quick" and that's when I really woke up. Metaphorically and realistically. My mind was so used to living within the confines of this fragmented reality that when it was gone it was still coming up with altered realities! This only confirmed to me how powerfully trained I had become.

And the really interesting thing?

It took another mistake to get me here. To get me to actually do something about it. 

Often times we are afraid of our mistakes, the possibility of failure, and the embarrassment and humility that comes with it.

But really our mistakes, our failures, what embarrasses or humiliates us are just more opportunities to learn something about ourselves and set up necessary boundaries with ourselves or others. My mistake inspired and motivated me to achieve something greater that what I was seeing around me in this "reality". The confines of my personal chrysalis made up of all my shed past accompanied by all the support from others in my life and the atonement of Christ gave me my wings. 

Does that mean I'm free from adversity?

Free from trial and tribulation?

No. 

But I'm looking around from a different height and a new perspective. 

And I know it's all worth it and it's all going to be worth it. 

xoxo

-Megan 

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