Santa: the Spirit of Giving

I was originally going to write a post today about being a prophetess in my home and my strong desire to be "a woman who has received a testimony of Jesus and enjoys the spirit of revelation. A prophetess does not hold the priesthood or it's keys."

BUT...there has been a series of events this Christmas season for our family that has been more pressing on my mind and heart: our Secret Santa family. 

It all started with a few small gifts. Some muddy buddies from the Reynolds from our ward and then on the 6th a cute little basket filled with hot chocolate, peppermints, and a four Christmas thermos's with only a note that said: 

"Seasons Greetings from out family to yours"

On the inside it said: "Something to keep your family warm on this chilly night. Enjoy the hot cocoa and homemade peppermint candy canes."

Little did we know we would see more of the same notes with no name and how much I would need to learn from it. 

December 6th: Hot Cocoa and Peppermint Candy Canes 

1. A cute Christmas tin that held the homemade peppermints 
2. 4 Christmas travel mugs 
3. Hot chocolate packets 
4. A white tub 

This just happened to be the day that we were super busy with a whole AC crew from Penguin Air putting in a brand new AC and new duct work so that we could have hot and cold air. The crew said that two little girls left the gift at the door and ran off. It was super sweet to see the time and effort they spent for this cute, sweet, and thoughtful gift!

December 7th: "Movie Night fun, Popcorn and Candy and Laughter Galore" 

1. The original Christmas Classics Anniversary Collectors Edition 
2. Nutter Butter Cookies
3. Red Vines 
4. Swedish Fish 
5. Welch's Gummies 
6. Extra Butter Microwavable popcorn 

At this point I'm in awe that the same Secret Santa family gifted us for a second time. I remember saying to the hubby "so there are people in the ward who like us". It was said as more of a joke at the time but I think there might have been some underlining reasons for what I said. It meant a lot to me that someone was thinking about us but at the same time I also began to question if they really meant it or if they felt bad for us because of the testimony I had bore the previous fast Sunday, December 3rd. I had said how difficult this past year had been for me but that I was being given lessons on letting others serve me, to stop over thinking and to just start "doing".

December 8th "Happy Family Crafting" 

1. Advent 3-D tower structure
2. 3D Nativity Structure
3. 4 color and bake kits 
4. 1 suncatcher kit
5. 1 magic paint poster packet 
6. gift certificate to return if needed

I'm beginning to wonder if this is the 12 days of Christmas or something like it but there are no indications of that on the notes that are given. The bag it was given in was a snow man Christmas bag that had a torn off gift-label with a 'las' as the last part of the receivers name and from grandma and grandpa which was barely readable. On the back of the bag was another gift-label that was crossed off but you can clearly see that it says to: Karlee and From: Levi and Kalea, or Kalua or Kalia I'm not sure I can't read one of the letters. Whomever they are they have been spectacular knock and runners.

After this there was a whole week that went by and I was just getting comfortable with the kind gestures and thoughtfulness from our Secret Santa family. I even gave up the thought of writing some type of "thank you" note and leaving it on the door if they were to come by again. However on the 13th of December they came again and this time it was a present so large I can't even take a picture of it all for you. 

We were just about to get into the shower, all four of us. The hubby and my little bubba were wrapping up a face time with Gramma and Papa Gilliland, Faye was super tired, and I was already turning on the shower when the loud knock came and the Hubby began to exclaim that they came again with boxes of clothes for the kids! There was one small box for the little Lady and one small box for my little bubba. 

"But that's not all!" He exclaimed, "There are firemen dress up outfits in here too and a few stuffed animals!" This may not seem like such a big deal but I made a plan to take Little Bubba to the fire station for his 3rd birthday. How fitting it was that he could now also dress the part. But that's still not all. Apparently there were two more boxes, one filled with ties and shirts for the hubby and another with more NEW kids clothes and clothes for me. 

I got in the shower just filled with utter confusion and on the verge of tears although at this point I was sure what kind of tears they would be. This seemed much bigger than just the average 12 days of Christmas for your neighbors or friends, and even more so what didn't make sense was why it was us repeatedly. Did we look like we needed all this charity? Why was I questioning it when I was also SUPER grateful! I HAD just been thinking that very morning that I needed to go to the store and get Little Bubba more clothes. Did I deserve this if I was questioning it? Did I deserve it at all?

"It's not all," the Hubby had whispered by the curtain. He held up cards with our names on it, a $100 bill, and a gift card for target for $30. "And in my card it says to email this manager guy for a certificate for a fitted 3 piece suit, a shirt, and tie. How do they know?" 

How did they know? How did they know that we liked elephants for the little Lady and there was a little elephant rattle for her in all the baby clothes? How did they know that the Hubby had been wanting a new suit for a while but because they're a bit pricey we were waiting for it to fit in budget? How did they know that I was needing to go shopping for the kids so they wouldn't freeze when we traveled North for Christmas?

 Did they over hear conversations we don't remember having in public? was our house bugged?  

All jokes aside they didn't know. They didn't know any of it and they didn't know how we would feel receiving all this. In the note addressed to me it said, " As parents, we have taught our children that "Santa Claus" if the spirit of giving, in Christ. In that spirit, please accept these gifts of new and gently used clothes and toys for your family. For an unknown reason I was pulled to your lovely family. I don't know why, but when the spirit moved me I decided not to question it. As simple and humble as these offerings are, I am hoping I didn't offend in offering them. They were no longer useful here." 

I have no words. All I keep thinking is "I don't deserve this. There is probably another family that needs all these things way more than we do." but the thing is, maybe there isn't. She was pulled to us for a reason and maybe that reason has nothing to do with all the many wonderful gifts they gave to us. Maybe, just like she wrote in her notes I was supposed to learn how to receive these kind gestures in the spirit of Christ. 

I've been struggling with anxiety and anger all year and for some reason, amidst all this giving it's come back full force. I feel like I should be giving. I feel like I should be making others days and treating them but nothing seems right or worthy after what we've been given, and who would I give them to? So I'm writing them all down. Clearing my head, figuring out my lesson here, and recording it so that hopefully next year or some Christmas down the line I can give someone else a Christmas they'll remember. 

Maybe the purpose of all this is just like I mentioned before: to let people serve me as well as answering a few of my prayers lately. I just didn't expect these kind of answers. At the beginning of December I was starting to delve a little deeper in the Atonement and to pray that I could understand it better and what it means for me. I learned that in order to understand the atonement I would need to first understand humility and love. These generous acts have definitely been out of insurmountable love for others that they don't even know that well but have followed the promptings of the spirit to give just the right things that to others might seems as coincidences. It has also been a very humbling experience for us on the receiving end, to be accepting, and to not overthink it since it's been orchestrated in heaven. The atonement is at work here, I can feel it, but also for some reason I've been fighting it. 

My second prayer from the beginning of December was to not lose the real Christmas reason and feeling by getting lost in the hustle and bustle of it all and being filled with anxiety. Well, I still fell to anxiety and feeling like I myself am not doing enough for others this month. I had pictured more like the gifting and shopping when I prayed but I guess it was more of the obligations of what Christmas SHOULD be like in my head verses what it really is, and that I definitely got focused on. So maybe this was all a reminder to let it be and let God fill me with what I truly desire and prayed for, to let him work through others, to let him work through me. (Psalms 46:10)

Maybe, just maybe I AM making others Christmas season and giving service to others by letting them serve me. 

Maybe this is also a chance for me to just be grateful and thankful towards God's magnitude instead of nit picking a questioning every little thing. Something I also need to work on: Giving God the credit he deserves. 

You might be thinking exactly what I've been thinking right about now: "well that was a sweet and triumphant ending to the Secret Santa. It has to be it. How could they give more than that?" 

Well we're wrong. 

December 14th: 

1.  One handmade reversible apron 
2. Homemade banana bread in a cute little bread pan (it's not as cute as it was originally since we ate 2/3rds of it this morning for breakfast).  
3. Gingerbread House Kit 
4. Homemade apple butter (not pictured. I forgot about it) 

This time I questioned "who are these people? They're probably spending more on us for Christmas than we are on ourselves!" and today and still been rough up until I began to write this blog post and figuring it all out in my head. The hubby was able to see that their car was a black SUV and we all jumped about a foot in the air when they knocked at our door. Now we're just wondering how long they will keep doing it. The hubby thinks it will go up until Christmas.  Maybe its a Wednesday-Friday thing and will end on Little Bubba's birthday next week. Who knows? What I do know is that I haven't been accepting this generosity in the correct spirit and I need to just breath and enjoy.

December 22nd: 

The grand finale appeared only a few days before Christmas. The catch? All Little Bubba wanted all day was to go up north to the Hubby's side of the family, so we left a day early. That meant all of these gifts were left on our front porch. It just so happens that the missionaries wanted to come by for a visit and noticed that our gifts were still there and they called us and found out we had left so they took all the gifts to their apartment and brought them back to us when we came home on the 26th. I wish I could have gotten a picture of our missionaries standing on the porch with all the gifts around them and Walmart grocery bags in their hands. Even though we had a heads up from their phone call I was still shocked seeing it all in front of me. I asked if they'd bring it all in for me since Little Lady was cranky and ready for a nap. (Side note: The hubby was in the bathroom, I was in the bathroom with little Lady crying and little Bubba trying to run her over with his new bike and then when I was finished I had to change her diaper and THEN the doorbell rung). 

The missionaries brought in all the presents and also grocery bags with ham, green beans, rolls, and potatoes in it- a classic Christmas dinner.

And then I opened it all and was so overcome with emotion I couldn't even stand anymore. Not only were there gifts but there was gift cards and two notes that had the familiar "Seasons Greetings" on the outside of them. One said: "Happy Birthday Caleb!!! Hoping its full of happiness to the moon and back! Including birthday fun for everyone!" and the second said: "Old Navy and many others contributed to this day. They are willing to exchange anything that you need to. Gift receipts in moms gift bag. They are excited to meet your family. Most things including the food were donated by them." 

It was really that last note that hit me the hardest and once I started crying I couldn't stop. Little Bubba even asked me what was wrong to which I replied "Nothing! I'm not sad. I'm crying because people were so nice to us! All these presents were given to us by some really nice people. Heavenly Father sent his angels." 

Tears of gratitude. 

We were thought of and cared for by so much more than just one family that took the time to listen to every instruction and inspiration from God. More importantly was my reaction to this moment versus all the others; I think I learned this lesson. 

Christmas isn't always about the gifts. It's not about receiving the gifts or giving them; it's about the spirit of it all. Did we need more toys or clothes or food? No. Could some other family have benefited more from the Secret Santa family? Physically, yes. Was I grateful for all the new toys, treats, clothes, gift cards, etc? You bet. But this act of deep service went far beyond physical needs. The secret Santa family was drawn to our family to teach us a spiritual lesson of love, gratitude, humility, letting others serve you, and community. I don't even know how to fully word the experience I personally went through this Christmas season. All I know is that everything was beautifully orchestrated by God to fit our needs and that there is a sweet family who were willing to listen and follow the call of our Father in Heaven. If anything I can learn to listen more intently to God like the Secret Santa family did, and although it wasn't our tun to give this year I feel that our time will come to follow in their footsteps when we receive the inspiration and make some other families Christmas memorable and centered on Christ: the reason for the season, the only begotten, the shepherd, the redeemer, the Son of God and Lord of All. 

Merry Christmas

-Megan 

   

Mother like Faith

So sorry it's been practically a whole month since I posted but I wanted to do a bit more studying before posting this particular topic: faith; and not just any faith but having faith as a mom. Since I've been on this crazy journey this past year, apart of my metamorphosis has been to take small topics that stir my spiritual curiosity and explore it into new depths to emerge as a new being with a different perspective on the world. I believe this process isn't a once in a lifetime experience and that I'll probably go through something like this probably a few more times before I die, I mean haven't you heard of "midlife crisis"...yep...I believe it's the same thing. Remember that post about the pride cycle?

Yep...

Its...all...apart...of...the-plan!

I believe that we are constantly given lessons and experiences great or small to slowly learn what we personally need to become the person we need to become, and specifically in this topic: the woman, mother, and wife I need to become.

Did you know that there is a personal progress app? Yes, there is, and it's not just for the young women! It's an EXCELLENT study guide for mom's or any woman with a small amount of time! It's my next step in progression. I've downloaded the app, set a timer for 6:30 (which I don't always follow...BUT I can still read while I nurse!), and I read or do the task for the day that the app has sectioned off.

The very first experience in the whole personal progress program is Faith 1: "The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Learn about faith from the scriptures and living prophets...Read 2 general conference talks on faith. Exercise your own faith by establishing a habit of prayer in your life. Begin by regularly saying your morning and evening prayers. After three weeks of following this pattern discuss...what you have learned about faith and how daily personal prayer has strengthened your faith. In your journal express your feelings about faith and prayer." (edited from the personal progress program explanation for faith experience one. See https://www.lds.org/young-women/personal-progress/faith?lang=eng for more information!)

So I asked my "mothers in arms" what they thought a good balance was in "principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." as a nurturer/ a mother like it says in "The family: a proclamation to the world" on how to have a happy and successful family. 
This is what they had to say: 
*edited texts to fit the flow of my blog post*

"I think FHE is the key...I think coloring pictures of Jesus, walking around the temple, playing on the grass at the church building, reading books that have the scriptures made for kids...are great ways to start. You can make a matching game with the oass along cards or something...I think the more you expose them, the easier it will be for them to grasp the bigger concepts when they get to [an age that can understand those concepts.]"  -Katherine 

"...Remember that not everything has to be done every single day, it just becomes overwhelming. I try to implement a new activity every week or so to branch out, but I also don't get upset if she starts playing something up or being imaginative, I just roll with it...We have a kids scripture story book that helps too. We are not the best by any means at reading it every day, but we do try and they're easy enough that we can explain the basics of the story." -Tylene 

These texts reminded me of the Micheal Mclean song "Which part is mine" which used to always pull at my heart strings when I was younger because it was still a topic that was easy to relate to even without children. Now that I have children I understand this song in a whole new area with a different perspective. Having children is the most beautiful-heart breaking-anxiety-ridden-experience. The level of responsibility feels more like a weight then a badge of honor most of the time and a lot of times all I can think of it how every little thing I do is going to mess up my children in the future. In the song it says,

 " Every sleepless night knows many mothers who are

Wondering if they've done alright

And the dairyman's daughter knew more than a few of those nights.

Had she give her sons too much freedom?

Had she smothered her two teenage girls?

Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough

To prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens and she

Spoke of her children by name.

And the prayer that she prayed that her kids would be saved

Had a very familiar refrain…She said

"Which part is mine? And God, which part is yours?

Could you tell me one more time, cause I'm never quite sure

And I won't cross the line like I have before.

But it gets so confusing sometimes.

Should I do more or trust the divine.

Could you please tell me which part is mine and which part is yours?" 

Seriously?! Could this song get anymore real?

I'm sobbing just re-reading the lyrics. 

But just as my friends had said, everything comes in moderation and in it's own time. We can only work with the knowledge and experiences we have NOW. My own mom has told me quite a few times that she wishes she would have had all the availability of knowledge that the internet gives to all us new mommies because there are so many things she regrets. Well I can tell you that my oldest is almost three and I already have regrets of my own even though I DO have all this knowledge! Sometimes I feel like there is TOO much knowledge, people with their opinions on the best way to raise children and blah blah blah. Another friend of mine said "I think we've lost the ability to use our mothers intuition." That really hit home to me. I've been driving myself crazy trying to know EVERYTHING instead of turning to God and learning only what I need to know. 

1. Faith is WORK in all things 

"All we can do as mothers is work with what we've got and pray for the rest." 

Which is where faith to grow into my life again comes into play. I've always had the ability of faith I just needed to nurture it. 

A few Sunday's ago the question was posed " can your faith be a burden?" My ears instantly perked up and I got all defensive of my new found knowledge on faith. My answer was undeniably "no". There was then an immediate follow up question that I almost missed since I was instantly whispering to my hubby about how faith could in no way be a burden; this question was "can LACK OF faith be a burden?"

Yes. Yes 'lack of faith' itself can be a burden or something to overcome. I don't think faith itself can be a burden because faith is always alive in something. As I kind of mentioned a few sentences ago, I thought I didn't even have faith anymore, it's been something I've even struggled with this past year especially. I had hope in the smallest of things, being that I felt like what I was feeling wouldn't last long, that somehow and in someway I'd get through it. And I am, slowing taking those steps one challenge or trial at a time, for "ye receive no witness until AFTER the trial of your faith," (Alma 32:21 and Ether 12:6). All the faith in my life for each moment or experience has to be collected together and be stronger than every fear that I have. And in order for that to happen I've had to and will have to continue for a little while longer to WORK FOR IT!

2. Faith is Listening 

Faith is to have the spirit guide us to calling on God because of belief and in turn listening to Him when he speaks through others or the whispering of the spirit, thoughts, promptings and even dreams. 

(Romans 10:14-17)

To hear by faith is to have the Holy Ghost carry our hearts and bare witness and to be our listening ears. God has called before those who are not very eloquent in their words so that the people who are listening can know that it is by the spirit of God that they can hear and understand and also that the speaker can trust in the Lord to know what to say and how to say it. The spirit speaks in a language we have forgotten how to speak, but the Holy Ghost is our interpreter should we let him guide us by our very souls. Satan will try and overpower that testimony of belief and make you believe you never even had faith in anything to begin with...even to a point of being afraid to admit you might have one. However, by listening we will be able to find even the smallest of faith granules in what might seem as an insignificant "hope". Then slowly that insignificant little hope can turn into an unwavering belief all because you were looking and listening. (Jacob 4:4-7, revelation 19:10, Mosiah 18:9, Mormon 9:25, and D&C 10:33.) 

3. Faith is Courage 

Don't be afraid of what you believe and don't hold too much weight into some dooms-day-horrors. God knows all the directions of the world and no matter which your life may go your safety goes beyond the mortal body. To have true faith is to trust in God's plan NO MATTER WHAT because it is the perfect plan. Easier said then done, I KNOW. I myself feel like I have to have plans A-Z all thought through before I even begin on plan A, it's been a hard lesson for me to let it go and just jump sometimes. 

John 5:44, 12:39-42, and Proverbs 29:25  

About a month ago, as I was laying with my little Bubba before he went to sleep he was telling me that when it gets dark he gets scared. I then proceeded to tell him what I thought I SHOULD tell him even though I wasn't sure how it was true yet myself, that mommy and daddy and Jesus would keep him safe through the night. Ever since then it's almost been a nightly routine and every time I would feel as if I were forcing the words "Jesus will keep you safe" through my tightened throat. How could I be teaching my son this if I wasn't even sure I believed it myself? And then one particular night it really hit me hard. My little bubba told me he was scared at night and it was instantly followed by "but Jesus keep me safe." Instead of feeling proud that he was getting the concept and learning what trusting in God was my heart clenched and I wondered. "Would he? Have I been lying to my son this whole time? It didn't feel like a lie but I also don't know what God has in store for him. Would he keep him safe?" 

God doesn't save everyone from physical death and if the unthinkable were to happen to my little boy, would that mean I lied? 

Doubt has a way of capturing the hearts of many in a vise so tight that the heart can no longer beat and becomes hardened. Although no one has all the answers we CAN still practice our faith and in those areas we lack in we can ask God to help us in our unbelief.  With only one strong desire doubt can be ironed out. With at least a will to go forward we can become unwavering. With the faith that our souls are more important than the physical death, are we not actually saved? By searching and discovering gospel topics such as the atonement we can be given the peace of mind that we truly are safe, but it takes a whole lot of courage. 

4. Faith is the Gateway 

"For we walk by faith not by sight"

2 corinthians 5:7, Ether 12:20, and D&C 42:49, 67:10 

When we let go of all dear and doubt and only rely on faith, we will be able to 'see' the lords work not with our physical eyes but by our spirits and someday when our faith becomes strong enough to be a knowledge , nothing will be hidden from us just like the brother of Jared. Through the testing of our faith it will be revealed unto us the magnitude of Christs honor and glory resulting in our ultimate goal and importance of faith in our lives: to feel unimaginable joy and the salvation of our souls. 

1 peter 1:7-13

Learning more deeply the aspects of faith and especially in companionship with praying for 21 days my perspective was enlightened and bad days turned into challenges to overcome. I was able to study the scriptures more enthusiastically as I found words or phrases that made me curious or that excited me and then in turn it gave me something to pray about and to strive for throughout my day. Lastly my day ended with being able to put all my frustrations and blessing from the day on the line and review what I had earnestly prayed for in the morning. The strength from reflection made me more humble and curious instead of anxious and angry. Prayer and the faith behind it did in fact move mountains, just not the kind visible by the human eye but more of the obstacle of my stubborn personality and the influences on my children. 

As a mother, wife, daughter, or woman it is important for me to turn the the Father of all things because when I don't know how to react, explain, or understand my own family (or really anyone), God can and as I prayed for many times he helped me to see my babies instead of slave drivers and he helped me to "speak with the spirit" and desire to become a priestess in my own home. 

With love, 

Megan