Santa: the Spirit of Giving

I was originally going to write a post today about being a prophetess in my home and my strong desire to be "a woman who has received a testimony of Jesus and enjoys the spirit of revelation. A prophetess does not hold the priesthood or it's keys."

BUT...there has been a series of events this Christmas season for our family that has been more pressing on my mind and heart: our Secret Santa family. 

It all started with a few small gifts. Some muddy buddies from the Reynolds from our ward and then on the 6th a cute little basket filled with hot chocolate, peppermints, and a four Christmas thermos's with only a note that said: 

"Seasons Greetings from out family to yours"

On the inside it said: "Something to keep your family warm on this chilly night. Enjoy the hot cocoa and homemade peppermint candy canes."

Little did we know we would see more of the same notes with no name and how much I would need to learn from it. 

December 6th: Hot Cocoa and Peppermint Candy Canes 

1. A cute Christmas tin that held the homemade peppermints 
2. 4 Christmas travel mugs 
3. Hot chocolate packets 
4. A white tub 

This just happened to be the day that we were super busy with a whole AC crew from Penguin Air putting in a brand new AC and new duct work so that we could have hot and cold air. The crew said that two little girls left the gift at the door and ran off. It was super sweet to see the time and effort they spent for this cute, sweet, and thoughtful gift!

December 7th: "Movie Night fun, Popcorn and Candy and Laughter Galore" 

1. The original Christmas Classics Anniversary Collectors Edition 
2. Nutter Butter Cookies
3. Red Vines 
4. Swedish Fish 
5. Welch's Gummies 
6. Extra Butter Microwavable popcorn 

At this point I'm in awe that the same Secret Santa family gifted us for a second time. I remember saying to the hubby "so there are people in the ward who like us". It was said as more of a joke at the time but I think there might have been some underlining reasons for what I said. It meant a lot to me that someone was thinking about us but at the same time I also began to question if they really meant it or if they felt bad for us because of the testimony I had bore the previous fast Sunday, December 3rd. I had said how difficult this past year had been for me but that I was being given lessons on letting others serve me, to stop over thinking and to just start "doing".

December 8th "Happy Family Crafting" 

1. Advent 3-D tower structure
2. 3D Nativity Structure
3. 4 color and bake kits 
4. 1 suncatcher kit
5. 1 magic paint poster packet 
6. gift certificate to return if needed

I'm beginning to wonder if this is the 12 days of Christmas or something like it but there are no indications of that on the notes that are given. The bag it was given in was a snow man Christmas bag that had a torn off gift-label with a 'las' as the last part of the receivers name and from grandma and grandpa which was barely readable. On the back of the bag was another gift-label that was crossed off but you can clearly see that it says to: Karlee and From: Levi and Kalea, or Kalua or Kalia I'm not sure I can't read one of the letters. Whomever they are they have been spectacular knock and runners.

After this there was a whole week that went by and I was just getting comfortable with the kind gestures and thoughtfulness from our Secret Santa family. I even gave up the thought of writing some type of "thank you" note and leaving it on the door if they were to come by again. However on the 13th of December they came again and this time it was a present so large I can't even take a picture of it all for you. 

We were just about to get into the shower, all four of us. The hubby and my little bubba were wrapping up a face time with Gramma and Papa Gilliland, Faye was super tired, and I was already turning on the shower when the loud knock came and the Hubby began to exclaim that they came again with boxes of clothes for the kids! There was one small box for the little Lady and one small box for my little bubba. 

"But that's not all!" He exclaimed, "There are firemen dress up outfits in here too and a few stuffed animals!" This may not seem like such a big deal but I made a plan to take Little Bubba to the fire station for his 3rd birthday. How fitting it was that he could now also dress the part. But that's still not all. Apparently there were two more boxes, one filled with ties and shirts for the hubby and another with more NEW kids clothes and clothes for me. 

I got in the shower just filled with utter confusion and on the verge of tears although at this point I was sure what kind of tears they would be. This seemed much bigger than just the average 12 days of Christmas for your neighbors or friends, and even more so what didn't make sense was why it was us repeatedly. Did we look like we needed all this charity? Why was I questioning it when I was also SUPER grateful! I HAD just been thinking that very morning that I needed to go to the store and get Little Bubba more clothes. Did I deserve this if I was questioning it? Did I deserve it at all?

"It's not all," the Hubby had whispered by the curtain. He held up cards with our names on it, a $100 bill, and a gift card for target for $30. "And in my card it says to email this manager guy for a certificate for a fitted 3 piece suit, a shirt, and tie. How do they know?" 

How did they know? How did they know that we liked elephants for the little Lady and there was a little elephant rattle for her in all the baby clothes? How did they know that the Hubby had been wanting a new suit for a while but because they're a bit pricey we were waiting for it to fit in budget? How did they know that I was needing to go shopping for the kids so they wouldn't freeze when we traveled North for Christmas?

 Did they over hear conversations we don't remember having in public? was our house bugged?  

All jokes aside they didn't know. They didn't know any of it and they didn't know how we would feel receiving all this. In the note addressed to me it said, " As parents, we have taught our children that "Santa Claus" if the spirit of giving, in Christ. In that spirit, please accept these gifts of new and gently used clothes and toys for your family. For an unknown reason I was pulled to your lovely family. I don't know why, but when the spirit moved me I decided not to question it. As simple and humble as these offerings are, I am hoping I didn't offend in offering them. They were no longer useful here." 

I have no words. All I keep thinking is "I don't deserve this. There is probably another family that needs all these things way more than we do." but the thing is, maybe there isn't. She was pulled to us for a reason and maybe that reason has nothing to do with all the many wonderful gifts they gave to us. Maybe, just like she wrote in her notes I was supposed to learn how to receive these kind gestures in the spirit of Christ. 

I've been struggling with anxiety and anger all year and for some reason, amidst all this giving it's come back full force. I feel like I should be giving. I feel like I should be making others days and treating them but nothing seems right or worthy after what we've been given, and who would I give them to? So I'm writing them all down. Clearing my head, figuring out my lesson here, and recording it so that hopefully next year or some Christmas down the line I can give someone else a Christmas they'll remember. 

Maybe the purpose of all this is just like I mentioned before: to let people serve me as well as answering a few of my prayers lately. I just didn't expect these kind of answers. At the beginning of December I was starting to delve a little deeper in the Atonement and to pray that I could understand it better and what it means for me. I learned that in order to understand the atonement I would need to first understand humility and love. These generous acts have definitely been out of insurmountable love for others that they don't even know that well but have followed the promptings of the spirit to give just the right things that to others might seems as coincidences. It has also been a very humbling experience for us on the receiving end, to be accepting, and to not overthink it since it's been orchestrated in heaven. The atonement is at work here, I can feel it, but also for some reason I've been fighting it. 

My second prayer from the beginning of December was to not lose the real Christmas reason and feeling by getting lost in the hustle and bustle of it all and being filled with anxiety. Well, I still fell to anxiety and feeling like I myself am not doing enough for others this month. I had pictured more like the gifting and shopping when I prayed but I guess it was more of the obligations of what Christmas SHOULD be like in my head verses what it really is, and that I definitely got focused on. So maybe this was all a reminder to let it be and let God fill me with what I truly desire and prayed for, to let him work through others, to let him work through me. (Psalms 46:10)

Maybe, just maybe I AM making others Christmas season and giving service to others by letting them serve me. 

Maybe this is also a chance for me to just be grateful and thankful towards God's magnitude instead of nit picking a questioning every little thing. Something I also need to work on: Giving God the credit he deserves. 

You might be thinking exactly what I've been thinking right about now: "well that was a sweet and triumphant ending to the Secret Santa. It has to be it. How could they give more than that?" 

Well we're wrong. 

December 14th: 

1.  One handmade reversible apron 
2. Homemade banana bread in a cute little bread pan (it's not as cute as it was originally since we ate 2/3rds of it this morning for breakfast).  
3. Gingerbread House Kit 
4. Homemade apple butter (not pictured. I forgot about it) 

This time I questioned "who are these people? They're probably spending more on us for Christmas than we are on ourselves!" and today and still been rough up until I began to write this blog post and figuring it all out in my head. The hubby was able to see that their car was a black SUV and we all jumped about a foot in the air when they knocked at our door. Now we're just wondering how long they will keep doing it. The hubby thinks it will go up until Christmas.  Maybe its a Wednesday-Friday thing and will end on Little Bubba's birthday next week. Who knows? What I do know is that I haven't been accepting this generosity in the correct spirit and I need to just breath and enjoy.

December 22nd: 

The grand finale appeared only a few days before Christmas. The catch? All Little Bubba wanted all day was to go up north to the Hubby's side of the family, so we left a day early. That meant all of these gifts were left on our front porch. It just so happens that the missionaries wanted to come by for a visit and noticed that our gifts were still there and they called us and found out we had left so they took all the gifts to their apartment and brought them back to us when we came home on the 26th. I wish I could have gotten a picture of our missionaries standing on the porch with all the gifts around them and Walmart grocery bags in their hands. Even though we had a heads up from their phone call I was still shocked seeing it all in front of me. I asked if they'd bring it all in for me since Little Lady was cranky and ready for a nap. (Side note: The hubby was in the bathroom, I was in the bathroom with little Lady crying and little Bubba trying to run her over with his new bike and then when I was finished I had to change her diaper and THEN the doorbell rung). 

The missionaries brought in all the presents and also grocery bags with ham, green beans, rolls, and potatoes in it- a classic Christmas dinner.

And then I opened it all and was so overcome with emotion I couldn't even stand anymore. Not only were there gifts but there was gift cards and two notes that had the familiar "Seasons Greetings" on the outside of them. One said: "Happy Birthday Caleb!!! Hoping its full of happiness to the moon and back! Including birthday fun for everyone!" and the second said: "Old Navy and many others contributed to this day. They are willing to exchange anything that you need to. Gift receipts in moms gift bag. They are excited to meet your family. Most things including the food were donated by them." 

It was really that last note that hit me the hardest and once I started crying I couldn't stop. Little Bubba even asked me what was wrong to which I replied "Nothing! I'm not sad. I'm crying because people were so nice to us! All these presents were given to us by some really nice people. Heavenly Father sent his angels." 

Tears of gratitude. 

We were thought of and cared for by so much more than just one family that took the time to listen to every instruction and inspiration from God. More importantly was my reaction to this moment versus all the others; I think I learned this lesson. 

Christmas isn't always about the gifts. It's not about receiving the gifts or giving them; it's about the spirit of it all. Did we need more toys or clothes or food? No. Could some other family have benefited more from the Secret Santa family? Physically, yes. Was I grateful for all the new toys, treats, clothes, gift cards, etc? You bet. But this act of deep service went far beyond physical needs. The secret Santa family was drawn to our family to teach us a spiritual lesson of love, gratitude, humility, letting others serve you, and community. I don't even know how to fully word the experience I personally went through this Christmas season. All I know is that everything was beautifully orchestrated by God to fit our needs and that there is a sweet family who were willing to listen and follow the call of our Father in Heaven. If anything I can learn to listen more intently to God like the Secret Santa family did, and although it wasn't our tun to give this year I feel that our time will come to follow in their footsteps when we receive the inspiration and make some other families Christmas memorable and centered on Christ: the reason for the season, the only begotten, the shepherd, the redeemer, the Son of God and Lord of All. 

Merry Christmas

-Megan 

   

Mother like Faith

So sorry it's been practically a whole month since I posted but I wanted to do a bit more studying before posting this particular topic: faith; and not just any faith but having faith as a mom. Since I've been on this crazy journey this past year, apart of my metamorphosis has been to take small topics that stir my spiritual curiosity and explore it into new depths to emerge as a new being with a different perspective on the world. I believe this process isn't a once in a lifetime experience and that I'll probably go through something like this probably a few more times before I die, I mean haven't you heard of "midlife crisis"...yep...I believe it's the same thing. Remember that post about the pride cycle?

Yep...

Its...all...apart...of...the-plan!

I believe that we are constantly given lessons and experiences great or small to slowly learn what we personally need to become the person we need to become, and specifically in this topic: the woman, mother, and wife I need to become.

Did you know that there is a personal progress app? Yes, there is, and it's not just for the young women! It's an EXCELLENT study guide for mom's or any woman with a small amount of time! It's my next step in progression. I've downloaded the app, set a timer for 6:30 (which I don't always follow...BUT I can still read while I nurse!), and I read or do the task for the day that the app has sectioned off.

The very first experience in the whole personal progress program is Faith 1: "The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Learn about faith from the scriptures and living prophets...Read 2 general conference talks on faith. Exercise your own faith by establishing a habit of prayer in your life. Begin by regularly saying your morning and evening prayers. After three weeks of following this pattern discuss...what you have learned about faith and how daily personal prayer has strengthened your faith. In your journal express your feelings about faith and prayer." (edited from the personal progress program explanation for faith experience one. See https://www.lds.org/young-women/personal-progress/faith?lang=eng for more information!)

So I asked my "mothers in arms" what they thought a good balance was in "principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." as a nurturer/ a mother like it says in "The family: a proclamation to the world" on how to have a happy and successful family. 
This is what they had to say: 
*edited texts to fit the flow of my blog post*

"I think FHE is the key...I think coloring pictures of Jesus, walking around the temple, playing on the grass at the church building, reading books that have the scriptures made for kids...are great ways to start. You can make a matching game with the oass along cards or something...I think the more you expose them, the easier it will be for them to grasp the bigger concepts when they get to [an age that can understand those concepts.]"  -Katherine 

"...Remember that not everything has to be done every single day, it just becomes overwhelming. I try to implement a new activity every week or so to branch out, but I also don't get upset if she starts playing something up or being imaginative, I just roll with it...We have a kids scripture story book that helps too. We are not the best by any means at reading it every day, but we do try and they're easy enough that we can explain the basics of the story." -Tylene 

These texts reminded me of the Micheal Mclean song "Which part is mine" which used to always pull at my heart strings when I was younger because it was still a topic that was easy to relate to even without children. Now that I have children I understand this song in a whole new area with a different perspective. Having children is the most beautiful-heart breaking-anxiety-ridden-experience. The level of responsibility feels more like a weight then a badge of honor most of the time and a lot of times all I can think of it how every little thing I do is going to mess up my children in the future. In the song it says,

 " Every sleepless night knows many mothers who are

Wondering if they've done alright

And the dairyman's daughter knew more than a few of those nights.

Had she give her sons too much freedom?

Had she smothered her two teenage girls?

Did she spoil them too much or not trust them enough

To prepare them for life in this world?

So she opened her heart to the heavens and she

Spoke of her children by name.

And the prayer that she prayed that her kids would be saved

Had a very familiar refrain…She said

"Which part is mine? And God, which part is yours?

Could you tell me one more time, cause I'm never quite sure

And I won't cross the line like I have before.

But it gets so confusing sometimes.

Should I do more or trust the divine.

Could you please tell me which part is mine and which part is yours?" 

Seriously?! Could this song get anymore real?

I'm sobbing just re-reading the lyrics. 

But just as my friends had said, everything comes in moderation and in it's own time. We can only work with the knowledge and experiences we have NOW. My own mom has told me quite a few times that she wishes she would have had all the availability of knowledge that the internet gives to all us new mommies because there are so many things she regrets. Well I can tell you that my oldest is almost three and I already have regrets of my own even though I DO have all this knowledge! Sometimes I feel like there is TOO much knowledge, people with their opinions on the best way to raise children and blah blah blah. Another friend of mine said "I think we've lost the ability to use our mothers intuition." That really hit home to me. I've been driving myself crazy trying to know EVERYTHING instead of turning to God and learning only what I need to know. 

1. Faith is WORK in all things 

"All we can do as mothers is work with what we've got and pray for the rest." 

Which is where faith to grow into my life again comes into play. I've always had the ability of faith I just needed to nurture it. 

A few Sunday's ago the question was posed " can your faith be a burden?" My ears instantly perked up and I got all defensive of my new found knowledge on faith. My answer was undeniably "no". There was then an immediate follow up question that I almost missed since I was instantly whispering to my hubby about how faith could in no way be a burden; this question was "can LACK OF faith be a burden?"

Yes. Yes 'lack of faith' itself can be a burden or something to overcome. I don't think faith itself can be a burden because faith is always alive in something. As I kind of mentioned a few sentences ago, I thought I didn't even have faith anymore, it's been something I've even struggled with this past year especially. I had hope in the smallest of things, being that I felt like what I was feeling wouldn't last long, that somehow and in someway I'd get through it. And I am, slowing taking those steps one challenge or trial at a time, for "ye receive no witness until AFTER the trial of your faith," (Alma 32:21 and Ether 12:6). All the faith in my life for each moment or experience has to be collected together and be stronger than every fear that I have. And in order for that to happen I've had to and will have to continue for a little while longer to WORK FOR IT!

2. Faith is Listening 

Faith is to have the spirit guide us to calling on God because of belief and in turn listening to Him when he speaks through others or the whispering of the spirit, thoughts, promptings and even dreams. 

(Romans 10:14-17)

To hear by faith is to have the Holy Ghost carry our hearts and bare witness and to be our listening ears. God has called before those who are not very eloquent in their words so that the people who are listening can know that it is by the spirit of God that they can hear and understand and also that the speaker can trust in the Lord to know what to say and how to say it. The spirit speaks in a language we have forgotten how to speak, but the Holy Ghost is our interpreter should we let him guide us by our very souls. Satan will try and overpower that testimony of belief and make you believe you never even had faith in anything to begin with...even to a point of being afraid to admit you might have one. However, by listening we will be able to find even the smallest of faith granules in what might seem as an insignificant "hope". Then slowly that insignificant little hope can turn into an unwavering belief all because you were looking and listening. (Jacob 4:4-7, revelation 19:10, Mosiah 18:9, Mormon 9:25, and D&C 10:33.) 

3. Faith is Courage 

Don't be afraid of what you believe and don't hold too much weight into some dooms-day-horrors. God knows all the directions of the world and no matter which your life may go your safety goes beyond the mortal body. To have true faith is to trust in God's plan NO MATTER WHAT because it is the perfect plan. Easier said then done, I KNOW. I myself feel like I have to have plans A-Z all thought through before I even begin on plan A, it's been a hard lesson for me to let it go and just jump sometimes. 

John 5:44, 12:39-42, and Proverbs 29:25  

About a month ago, as I was laying with my little Bubba before he went to sleep he was telling me that when it gets dark he gets scared. I then proceeded to tell him what I thought I SHOULD tell him even though I wasn't sure how it was true yet myself, that mommy and daddy and Jesus would keep him safe through the night. Ever since then it's almost been a nightly routine and every time I would feel as if I were forcing the words "Jesus will keep you safe" through my tightened throat. How could I be teaching my son this if I wasn't even sure I believed it myself? And then one particular night it really hit me hard. My little bubba told me he was scared at night and it was instantly followed by "but Jesus keep me safe." Instead of feeling proud that he was getting the concept and learning what trusting in God was my heart clenched and I wondered. "Would he? Have I been lying to my son this whole time? It didn't feel like a lie but I also don't know what God has in store for him. Would he keep him safe?" 

God doesn't save everyone from physical death and if the unthinkable were to happen to my little boy, would that mean I lied? 

Doubt has a way of capturing the hearts of many in a vise so tight that the heart can no longer beat and becomes hardened. Although no one has all the answers we CAN still practice our faith and in those areas we lack in we can ask God to help us in our unbelief.  With only one strong desire doubt can be ironed out. With at least a will to go forward we can become unwavering. With the faith that our souls are more important than the physical death, are we not actually saved? By searching and discovering gospel topics such as the atonement we can be given the peace of mind that we truly are safe, but it takes a whole lot of courage. 

4. Faith is the Gateway 

"For we walk by faith not by sight"

2 corinthians 5:7, Ether 12:20, and D&C 42:49, 67:10 

When we let go of all dear and doubt and only rely on faith, we will be able to 'see' the lords work not with our physical eyes but by our spirits and someday when our faith becomes strong enough to be a knowledge , nothing will be hidden from us just like the brother of Jared. Through the testing of our faith it will be revealed unto us the magnitude of Christs honor and glory resulting in our ultimate goal and importance of faith in our lives: to feel unimaginable joy and the salvation of our souls. 

1 peter 1:7-13

Learning more deeply the aspects of faith and especially in companionship with praying for 21 days my perspective was enlightened and bad days turned into challenges to overcome. I was able to study the scriptures more enthusiastically as I found words or phrases that made me curious or that excited me and then in turn it gave me something to pray about and to strive for throughout my day. Lastly my day ended with being able to put all my frustrations and blessing from the day on the line and review what I had earnestly prayed for in the morning. The strength from reflection made me more humble and curious instead of anxious and angry. Prayer and the faith behind it did in fact move mountains, just not the kind visible by the human eye but more of the obstacle of my stubborn personality and the influences on my children. 

As a mother, wife, daughter, or woman it is important for me to turn the the Father of all things because when I don't know how to react, explain, or understand my own family (or really anyone), God can and as I prayed for many times he helped me to see my babies instead of slave drivers and he helped me to "speak with the spirit" and desire to become a priestess in my own home. 

With love, 

Megan 

Letter to a Relative

As we have continued to do our Sunday Jar objectives (slowly I might add) I've discovered that some may be hard to do with smaller children such as the ones Lil Man and I have picked these past two Sundays:
1. Make phone calls or write letters to those special friends and loved ones to let them know you're thinking of them
AND
2. Family Activity: Play the scripture hunt game. Each player takes a different page of scriptures. After reading that page, each player then writes a one sentence question, the answer to which is found some where on the page. At the signal, swap pages and questions. The first player to locate the correct answer to his question is the winner.

The first one is obviously not terribly difficult as we contact our littles grandparents fairly often via phone calls , videos, pictures, and visits, but I wanted to go BIGGER: Call or write a letter to someone we haven't talked to for awhile so that they know we're thinking of them and that they feel special.

But who??

The second one is more of a head scratcher..."how on earth do I make this game into a toddler version when he has the attention span of a teaspoon?"

We might just have to pass that one up this time around.

Anyway, this week has been considerably better than the previous week. We've been moving slower than the slime off a snail, but we have been moving and I'm excited about the direction we are going and all of the destinations we are heading to. It's so nice to be filled with hope and peace again and to be enraptured by the soundproof room of prayer. It's been amazing to let go and to let God give me that extra patience I didn't know even existed. Every time I thought I had, "Had enough", there was more which has been super necessary in teaching Lil Man the difference between hugs and choke holds.  Don't get me wrong, this is only a small bright spot in the whirlwind of many challenges, I'm simply pointing out that it's nice to have something to hold onto again.

Speaking of which tonight has been a good night for reconnecting.

Once a month my little family of four go out to eat at the magical place known affectionately by Lil Man as "Gramma's house," or what I call in by passing conversation with Dax as "my families house." Either way we take the 15 minute drive out in the eastern part of town to spend sometime with our family and tonight we also had the company of Grandma Nerrings.

I asked her about Oma and Opa and found out in more specifics that Oma was born in the United Sates whereas Opa moved here from Holland when he was 8 years old. They both lived in Utah for a time but never actually met there, instead they met in California and had their children, one of which being my grandma. I learned that Opa actually tried to teach the kids dutch but it would confuse Oma so she asked him to stop.

However, there was a young dutch child that went to school and didn't know any English, Opa was gracious enough to go to school to translate for them and they sometimes met after school for dinner. One of these times Opa was having a conversation with the father about something and even though my grandma couldn't remember how to speak Dutch she understood their whole conversation and can still count to 10.

I also learned that she has traveled to Holland and did normal tourist things but not much by the way of visiting any relatives or homes or graves. Either way I found my heart smiling as I listened to my grandma tell me little tidbits about the great grandparents I have yet to meet and a hunger to learn more, but not just LEARN more but EXPERIENCE more.

In the sang words of Ariel, the Little Mermaid "I want to be where the people are, I want to see, want to see them dancing."

So...

Dear Relatives,
We haven't met yet but I'm hoping soon our paths will cross and we can come together in memories and histories and perhaps even make our own in our life times. I hope that all is well where you are and that the sky's twinkle and the mountains and hills roll in the breeze. I hope in the meantime you'll breath deeply and peacefully and that you find your place in this world rooted as deep as an oak. Know that it's the trials and challenges in life that humbles us and makes us remember God because without him we are nothing and without him there are no moments in time to be whole. I hope that as we all strive for this same and complete sense of purpose and work through the stickiness of healing wounds that we will remember that we are on the same team and you and I will be cheering on one another. Never give up, for with an uphill battle soon comes a downhill advantage. You must fight to get stronger and to see ahead.
Until we meet,
Vaarwel
(goodbye)
Megan

Succumb to The Pride Cycle

Throughout all of history man has fallen to a pattern known to some as "The Pride Cycle". We go from blessings and abundance to pride and sin to being warned by religious leaders or even in some cases motivational and political leaders or as in cartoons a big

TURN BACK NOW

Sign warning us to repent of those sins and pride to continue to obtain the previous blessings and abundance and most often than not the WARNINGS we receive are then solidified by destruction, suffering, and the natural consequences of our actions until we again become humble and repent again.

I thought the pride cycle often as being painted in hues of black, or brown, or even off shades that disgust and repulse so that you'll never want to go through the pride cycle and stay perfect your whole life.

There has been so much in the past 8 months since I had the Little Lady about myself and more importantly aspects of the Gospel in different ways I've never even thought of before. The pride cycle has been the most recent "Ah-ha" moment for me but it all started from building myself up from the ground.

My confidence, self esteem, faith, testimony, hope, and all else that I felt to make up my whole being had been cracked by the dark cloud of anxiety and tight hold of the adversary. I didn't know it at the time but this was to be my biggest battle yet and during those first moments I felt as though I was sure to crumble under pressure, admit defeat, and crawl under a rock and slowly wither away. Every part of my vision was clouded and I was so full of fear that I could no longer feel anything else but anger.

Part one was healing my identity in super small acts such as writing down goals and listing MY priorities; listen to Pod Casts from women like Jody Moore, Heather MacFadyen, and Jami Balmet; keeping scriptures open and available around the home, walk bare foot outside, ignore "advice pages" and look for uplifting quotes, de-clutter (especially electronically like social media addictions and distractions), etc.

"A Spiritual awakening is when shed off all your old layers to become a real and stronger you; sometimes through feeling like depression, rage, and anxiety. It is your inner voice telling you that you're ready to grow." 

Part Two included a lot of the same things as part one but I slowly added to them like starting a bullet journal to categorize my priorities and put them into themed months so I could focus more on the now instead of "not having enough time to finish it all"; continuing to listen to pod casts based on what I needed that day weather it be teaching or self assurance; continuing to read scriptures as often as possible and to also say a prayer or two; going outside more often and going to church even when I didn't feel like it; approach advice pages or advice from friends and family with caution but rely mostly on "motherly intuition" and let a little hope back in; journal all thoughts to give relief to my over working brain; continue to de-clutter and slowly create a cleaning habit; look for a positive in each day, etc. 

"I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let my worry control me. I will not let my stress level break me. I will simply breathe. And it will be okay, because I don't quit." -Shayne McClendon 

And now I'm currently in part three where I'm still bullet journalist but I'm not relying on it as heavily, I've replaced some pod casts with the recent General Conference talks, I get up at 6-6:30am everyday to read scriptures which transitioned into downloading the personal progress app and having it remind me everyday to read or pray or study, I'm heading in a direction of being more involved with outside and my family, Dax and I have reevaluated our finances and have put budgeting into action, I've written a bucket list, I've started up our blog again and have written in Little Man's journal a few times, we've had friends over (although that's not new to this stage), I'm creating habits and letting faith grow again and hope bloom. 

I'm still in no way perfect and still struggle with anxiety and a testimony but as I'm in this stage and studying more I've had the thought that I'm going through the pride cycle and that, that's okay. I even wondered that maybe-like with all things that are also "not a coincidence" - the pride cycle was intended for man to continually shed off those old layers and to become closer and closer to God in "slow reform into perfectness" as long as we don't get stuck in the middle of the pride cycle. My thought continued that if I let the pride cycle work it's course I will be as it mentions in Hebrews 11:13, 25, Hebrews 5:8, and Joseph Smith History: someone who went through my own "hard times" to become obedient and stronger so that I can say that I was destined to be a destroyer to the adversary.  

-Megan 

The Sunday Jar

So I'm a not-so-very-good-blogger.
I stink at it actually.
However, in the event of deleting Facebook and still wanting to do family updates I'll try my best to be better at it...
even if nobody reads it, because later on I might need to be the one to re-read it.

Also there's the Sunday Jar.

On my night stand sits a little glass jar that used to house some strawberry jam from Smuckers. It has a red and white pinic-blanket looking checkered top and a silvery blue paper wrapped around its middle with the words "90 ways to keep the Sabbath day holy." The Sunday jar is stuffed full of strips of papers with different activities to keep Sundays uplifting, rejuvenating, and family oriented.

The Sunday Jar is nothing new. Many people have different versions of the Sunday Jar to keep their Sundays "fresh". On Pintrest I found the Sunday 'can' jar by Mormon Mom planner . She talks about how on Sunday it's easy to just plop down and sleep all day but how the Lord asks us to keep it Holy by setting it aside as a separate day from the rest of the week to worship, bond as a family,  pray, and serve others. She says, "there is a lot of Thou Shalt Not's on the Sabbath Day, so I like the approach of the Sunday 'cans' to show just how much we Can do on Sunday's." 

So, with that being said, the strip Lil Man happened to pick out of out Sunday Jar this Sunday was to "Write a family newsletter to send out to family members". In the past we've picked out:
1.Plan out ways you can be more productive with your family history work
2. Go visit family members you haven't seen for awhile.
3. Go through old church magazines you don't look through anymore and pick out pictures you like, read the stories that go with them, and then frame those pictures to have in your home. (This one made a good FHE!)
and
4. Come up with a unique way to get together with those you visit or home teach. (My idea for this one was my Mommies Hobbies group I've been trying to get back together in some fashion. More on that later.)

As you can see we've been kept busy by simple tasks that we have a whole week to complete before the next Sunday but it goes right along with planning the week and preparing for new ways to come closer as a family.

This past week we've been moving along the normal everyday projects such as laundry, dishes, cleaning the house, playing with toys, watching Netflix, cooking, eating, etc. But also this week:

Mommy and daddy had a date night talking about and figuring out our finances using this video by Jordan Page from funcheaporfree.com and her husband while big brother went over to Grandma L's house to spend the night and baby sister was asleep. It took us 4 hours but we worked it all out and even though it was all business talk I know I still enjoyed my time with the hubby. :)

Lil Man has been keeping things busy and fun as an almost 3 year old full of imagination. One of my favorite stories this week was from Tuesday the 17th of October 2017. You were playing with your legos and daddy had to come in and out before work since he kept forgetting things he needed. When he left for real Lil Man said "Thank you for coming daddy," and he said "oh your welcome, any time." When he shut the door Lil Man ran over to me and said "daddy's running away mommy! Daddy's running away" and I told him that "daddy's not running away, he's going to work."

Lil Lady has been super mobile as of late since she's gone from Army crawl to full on crawling now. She's starting to follow daddy and mommy around and she LOVES to play with brother, when he's nice. Brother also loves to have her around and asks to play with her often. He's also getting better at sharing with the little lady and calling her "my baby sister". Lil Lady LOVES apples and is more than
happy to stick anything in her mouth given to her or not given to her so we've been trying to keep things a little more clean around here but she still comes up from the ground black most days from all the dirt.

Overall, we've been having some rough and not super eventful weeks lately but as we get closer to Halloween we have some fun events lined up and we can continue to grow closer as a family!

Until next week!
-The Gillilands
:Written by Megan