A Weakness or a Strength?

In my last post "You Are Enough" I shared a story about Alma the Younger and how I contemplated  Alma's "weaknesses" as misused strengths and shared my own story of how my voice is a gift to my children (and possibly others but the story was about my kids) that I was misusing by yelling at them or using an unkind tone.

In this post we will be covering just that! Do we have "weaknesses" or just misused or under utilized strengths? On the other side of the coin do we admire ourselves for something we think we are strong in but it's hurting ourselves or others? Where is the balance?

Or are we just splitting hairs?
Maybe.
A little.
However, it's a thought process that has helped me to investigate my feelings and the outcome of choices I make. Going from: "this is my weakness...this is who I am. It won't ever get better" to "what is to uncover here? What talent of mine is hiding? What talent of mine is in overabundance? Where is the balance?

Balance.

The word that's been on my mind and heart for years now as a slow and intense burning fire but never completely achieved but allows me to learn, grow, experiment, and investigate.

Someday I'll find that balance, the perfected state. 

But that won't happen in this Earthly life, that's what it's for: to have to focus on bringing ourselves back from straying-too far on either side of scale- to the present; To bring back what we've collected on our journey and to learn from it: the calm and the challenge; and to be present in this moment now by uncovering the mysteries of our subconscious.

Balance practices are everywhere.

• Yoga means literally means to "unify", to "join" to "unite", to "subjugate", to "control", to "yoke". I wrote a bit about my yoga experience up until this point here. 
• Meditation is the practice of thinking deeply or focusing ones mind for a period of time and can be done in stillness or chaos. It's something that draws others who struggle for a deeper meaning of their feelings and to typically find that peace in the tension. Through meditation I feel like balance is found when a deep rooted and traumatic event is uncovered and then releases allowing the mind and body to release and move forward. 
• Our own nervous system works to obtain a balance between parasympathetic and sympathetic, swinging back and forth every few hours in the day. 
• Ayurvedic medicine is literally a balance in bodily systems through the use of diet, herbal treatment, and yogic breathing. 
• Intuitive Eating- I don't like the stigma that comes with the word "diet" but feel free to use that in it's pure definition of "the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats." Our intake for our bodies takes a natural course of balance between many food groups including sweets. When we listen to what our body is telling us it needs, it finds balance. 

Sometimes these things also come out of balance just like everything else we try to do in our lives and that's okay. A quote by Traci Brosman's, "Are you Sleepwalking through life?" says:

"Don't be too hard on yourself when you catch yourself in the past or future. Gently bring yourself back to the present and see the beauty of life." 

What we may consider our weaknesses or our strengths function much of the same way: trying to find the balance.

Many of my own "weaknesses" felt abuntant in a time of a lot of fear and anxiety in my life (you can pretty much pick any of my blog posts from 2018 to learn more about that time of my life).

The one thing I tell everyone that helped me the most during that time was to see everything in my life different. Instead of feeling inflicted I felt the need to solve the mystery and find the lessons in my life, sprouting a consistency in blog posts. Once my perspective changed so did the outcome of the emotions I felt. I began to progress and slowly got to a point of realizing the beauty and gift in trials not only in myself but others as well.

Pain is important.
Our "weakness's" are important and can be made strong. (Ether 12:27)
But how?
By seeing the strength hidden in the weakness, by accepting it how it is now but seeing it's potential.
In the example of me yelling at my kids that was my fear and anger talking. It was my "weakness". However there were moments where I would talk or sing and the attention, focus, and change from my children was nothing short of a miracle. My strength was there underneath the fear that made it weak.

When talking with my mother in law about this topic she mentioned that our strengths could be misguided and could become weak. The example of serving others came up which hit home for me as well.
A personal example is joined by my recent discovery of my purpose, my word. This was brought up in a conversation with a good friend who had read the book "The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results" by Gary W. Keller (if I remember correctly). I haven't read it myself yet but she challenged me to "find my one word" to which I thought about it off and on for the next two weeks before I read a story in "A Path With Heart," By Jack Kornfield of a man you lived his life by putting joy into everything he did. As he aged he began to forget more and more things but through his karmic pattern of joy he put into place, even without memory, he continued his practice. That was when I found my word:

JOY

My word plugged into every definition I had been collecting. Everything I have done or desire to do, specifically to bring joy and happiness to others through support in their own endeavors or through my own work and goals. Things such as when I wanted to be a psychologist, art therapist, teacher, yoga, American Sign Language, writing fictional stories, writing blog posts, conversing with others deeply, seeing the things others don't like about themselves as great stories and loving those parts about them, wanting to work as a character performer at Disneyland to bring magic to others, giving talks, travel, and even down to something seemingly silly and small such as promising my husband when we got married (or maybe even before) that it was my goal to always make him laugh for the rest of our lives. We even made up what out tombstones would say. Mine: "It was my goal to always make him laugh" His: "HA HA HA!" 

This word made every action I've done make sense even the times where I couldn't make someone happy. When my focus was driven by a determination to make someone else happy no matter what I lost sight of my true purpose: to give out my joy, not to make someone happy because in reality I couldn't do that. My purpose is to share my joy not to sacrifice it because someone doesn't accept it. When I focused all my efforts on only trying to make someone else happy, just as my mother in law said, it became "misguided and became weak."

This is my purpose, guys! 

My biggest strength! 

The word that guides everything else! 

And it became weak. 

I questioned it. 

I doubted myself. 

But when I began to retrain myself and as I continue to gain confidence, I will continue to find more footholds in the fulcrum, the balance, of my gift; neither the weakness nor the strength: just the purpose. 

So what do you think? 

Are there weaknesses? 

Are there strengths?

XOXO
Megan
--------------> Next Blog Post: Learning- A Life Long Process

You Are Enough

Last year in June of 2019 I wrote a post titled, "How to Care For Others AND You", and since then it's still been one of my life lessons.

At the end of November I was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting for our church for the second Sunday in December, the 8th. The title I was given to go off of was the question, " How do I find joy in serving others." For the next two weeks I was anxious, nervous, excited, hopeful, and empowered.

My initial thought was that I had an opportunity to change the feeling of this particular theme of talk that I'd heard often but only felt insignificant and discouraged afterwards. I felt inspired by the spirit for what to say and felt very inadequate to present it. I postponed actually writing the talk because I was receiving so many thoughts and countering them with questions like "was I changing the way this theme was presented in talks for what Heavenly Father wanted me to say or because it was something I've been studying for a few years and I was passionate about it? I had decided it was both. I was asked to give this talk by the inspired bishopric through the spirit of God BECAUSE it was something I was dedicated to and I wanted others to feel and remember their own joy in serving others.

Once I actually began to write the words flowed, words that I felt were too perfect to be my own. I wrote most of my talk in one sitting but felt there was one more thing I needed to learn before it was finished. Over the next few days I had listened to my scriptures and talked to my sister and thats when I knew I had found the ending to my talk.
My next hurdle to overcome was to give the talk. I was nervous about presenting it but knew it was what God needed me to say, so, even through my distress I felt peace. Once at the podium I felt the spirit and that I was where I needed to be. It was the best talk I feel honored to have been called as a messenger in that time.

What does this talk I gave in sacrament meeting have to do with a blog post I wrote months ago? Well for starters I began my talk with:
"How do you help others and yourself at the same time without neglecting one or the other?"
That’s a big question to tackle and super personal, but regardless of which unique avenue of service you are on it’s the right one.

You. Are. Enough. 

As I mentioned earlier, “serving others” talk topics were tough, because I never felt like I was doing it in grand miraculous ways. I wasn’t doing it by the book answers of sharing your testimony, going to the hospital or home of a stranger, “visiting teaching” (as it used to be called), family history work, temple work, etc. I was under the impression that because these topics brought up guilt in me as I listened to these other talks that I was sinning and needed to repent by doing these things. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I so badly did, it was that I didn’t find how it worked for me yet. All those services I just mentioned are so good, so beneficial, and so important to the work of this church. That is why it needs to be delicately taught with compassion towards each soul. To bring to light the true and eternal joy in serving others versus the guilt, shame, and often times lack of motivation to do anything with the name “service” attached to it because they felt that their contribution wasn’t enough.

I strongly believe I was asked to give this talk back in December of 2019 because I have struggled with this, I continue to not know all the answers, and to tell everyone that their contribution IS enough and worth it.
The key to finding Joy in service?
Question yourself and pray to be aware of what it is that you DO and HOW you do it.
Elder Utchdorf gives a talk called “It Works Wonderfully” from October 2015 Ensign. In it he gives 2 thoughts on why the gospel can seem fulfilling and joyful for some while others have “less-than-fulfilling experiences”.

1.) Simplify
“to step back, look at your life from a higher plane, and simplify your approach to discipleship. Focus on the basic doctrines, principles, and applications of the gospel. I promise that God will guide and bless you on your path to a fulfilling life, and the gospel will definitely work better for you.”
2.) Start where you are.
Elder Utchdorf said, “Sometimes we feel discouraged because we are not “more” of something—more spiritual, respected, intelligent, healthy, rich, friendly, or capable. Naturally, there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve. God created us to grow and progress. But remember, our weaknesses can help us to be humble and turn us to Christ, who will “make weak things become strong.” Satan, on the other hand, uses our weaknesses to the point that we are discouraged from even trying.
I learned in my life that we don’t need to be “more” of anything to start to become the person God intended us to become.”

I’d like to add another thought to his:

3.) Give yourself time. 
When I first got married I was never really into visiting teaching. I felt it was more forced and invading than natural and friendly. In our first apartment we lived in I would even turn down a few visits if I felt like I had a good enough excuse to do so and to my surprise that didn’t seem to phase the woman who tried to visit and teach me! Instead she seemed genuinely interested and concerned for me and would stay on the phone to just chat. When we moved I remembered her impact on my life and realized that if I was going to visit teach I was going to do it the way I thought it’d work best: by being a friend like she was to me.
Luckily I had a companion who felt the same way and although we did plan the lessons to teach we tried not to make that the focus. I found joy there.

Fast forward a few years when we moved to Mesa I became a visiting teacher to a few women, one of which was not active. This worried me at first because I thought I had this greater obligation to bring her back to the church. This was also the time I found out I struggle with anxiety. I went with what I could handle: by being a friend. I didn’t bring up anything church related for two years. Last Christmas I felt strongly to invite her to church. She came.

I think we put this pressure on ourselves like Utchdorf said to “be more”. We see others success and wonder where is our own when we don’t realize that their success was an accumulation of small incidents, hard work, and a collection of seemingly random situations that you wouldn’t think go together. And that our own successes are currently in the works, every small thing we do works up to what may seem like a major event.

A few weeks ago my husband and I met with a couple to chat. During our conversation we found out they were members of the church. After our conversation with them as my husband and I drove home he turned to me and said that he was proud of me for just being forward and mentioning the term “Ward” before we even knew they were members. His thought was that it was my sneaky way of sharing the gospel and my testimony. Shocked I responded with “we didn’t know before I said “Ward”? I thought they said something first!” He insisted that I started it. Truly stumped I went with a response that went like this “well I guess they looked like they were and I just convinced myself so much that it came out”. This experience sparked other thoughts in me that were more meaningful than the experience itself: I had no idea I was doing it and that if we are living our lives the best we can with a “willing heart,  desire to believe, and trust in the lord” -as Elder Utchdorf mentions in his   talk- then that’s probably how it will go a good majority of the time: we won’t even realize we’re doing it.
Recognizing this is where we will find the joy.
You can help and serve others by finding what works with you in a simple and present way and the Lord will truly do the rest because your contribution is worth it.
Recently with the corona virus changing the safety nets around us, our schedules, and our interaction with the world we've been asked by church leaders to spend careful and prayerful attention on those we minister too. I again felt the panic and the guilt. I haven't ministered since we moved into the ward last July. I sat with my feelings for a minute and then remembered this talk I gave in December where I encouraged everyone to recognize the good they do, to remember how you serve. I couldn't think of anything so I prayed asking Heavenly Father to remind me what it is that I DO, DO to serve other. Almost instantly I was reminded that I could write. So I did. I wrote and old fashion email. Did they respond? Nope. Then I thought about them during Easter and tried calling. Did they answer or call back? Nope. But my intention was there.

Remember how I said I wrote my talk but then felt there was something missing? I was listening to the Book of Mormon (you can get one for free at this site by clicking here or here) though my gospel library app and it just happened to be the story of Alma the Younger.
 In Mosiah 27 it talks about how Alma was “wicked and idolatrous”; that he “spoke much flattery to the people therefore he led many of the people to do after the manner of his iniquities” and “stealing away the hearts of the people”. This was a man who was “going about to destroy the Church of God”. Why would God then choose to send him and angel to essentially ‘shape up’ and become a great prophet later on?
I’ll let that sit for a second while I ask questions relatable to this one.
Why would God ask a man who stumbles himself through life to be a seventy? A stake president? Or a Bishop? Why would God ask imperfect people such as ourselves to teach one another, be missionaries, be parents, etc?
Because we are perfect in our imperfections! Because we have that desire to do good in our hearts.

Now let’s go back to Alma the Younger. Here’s a man who is being pretty naughty, we don’t know what desires he had in his heart but they must have been good because God called out to him and HE LISTENED. If he was doing unrighteous acts why would God then choose to send him an angel to essentially ‘shape up’ and become a great prophet later on? Why not the sons of Mosiah?

Here’s my interpretation of it:
1.) Yes, Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah equally led away or harassed the people of the Church, but it was Alma who was kind of this Mob Boss of the whole operation. This man had leadership skills. Leadership skills are an excellent quality to have when used to uplift and inspire others. He had a great gift, he was tempted to use it improperly but even through his unrighteous acts he was still practicing that talent.
2.) Once the angel did come to him it shook him to his core and he became ill because he now recognized  where he went horribly wrong. This gave him perspective and determination to help others. This also became a gift and talent that helped him preserve later in life.
3.) Because of all the wrong he did he was able to fully connect to others, to testify in a personal way, to have compassion on others, and to be an example.
In this past General Conference of April 2020 there was a talk given by Dale G Renlund titled, "Consider the goodness and greatness of God" where he also mentioned the transformation of Alma the Younger that I would recommend reading, it's definitely on my re-read list!

We like to look at the miracles of others and to express our positive attributes to others which is great and gives hope but it overlooks those little situations that brought us there even if they are uncomfortable. Examples of this from my life have been my own anger and yelling at my kids. I hate admitting this. I know it’s not right, it doesn’t feel right, and it’s something that was at its peak after I had my second. My anger held hands with my anxiety. Now, I don’t yell as much. I have accepted my efforts with compassion and continue to learn and grow.

One particular thought as I was writing this talk was that I have a gift in my voice, a powerful one, and the adversary has his focus squarely on distracting me and helping me to forget its there. This thought combined with my interpretations of Alma the Younger led me to wonder if our "weaknesses" were actually weaknesses or just misplaced or incorrectly used strengths.

There is this quote that I love by Marianne Williamson that says:

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Again I ask, how do we help others and ourselves at the same time without neglecting one or the other? How do we find joy in serving others?
D. Todd Christofferson in last 2019 April conference said in his talk entitled “preparing for the lords return” said in reference to God hastening his work “Employing our admittedly imperfect efforts—our “small means” —the Lord brings about great things”. By recognizing what we CAN do versus what we can’t/ aren’t doing.

This is a service to ourselves and is a service to others because when we strive to be good, when we have that burning desire to do good despite the way it seems to look for others we become aware of the impact we truly make we see all the good we truly do and this is where the joy is found.

You are enough. 

Your contribution is worth it. 

Through your efforts miracles will be had and you will find that joy in serving others. 

XOXO

Megan 

--------------> Next Blog Post: A Weakness or A Strength?

Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 3

There are so many reasons why I haven't written or published another post in 6 months:
1. There was no update  on our progress in the Airforce application process. They've gotten back and few times and it just seems as though they are asking for the same thing. In my opinion they're stalling or buying themselves time. Maybe there is an influx of recruits, maybe policies are changing and they need to hold off on recruiting too many people. Whatever the real reason is we are still waiting. From a spiritual standpoint our time in the Airforce is being set up in just the right way and we are needing to wait for that moment. In the meantime we are needed here to continue to prepare and strengthen our family for this big change as well and be here for others. I guess I'll just keep adding little updates to my posts because I can't keep my blog on pause waiting for a good story and I can't keep creating more parts to this Freedom & Bravery Post.
2. My computer battery was fried thanks to me constantly leaving it plugged in. I never fixed it and I haven't gotten into a habit of working on another computer. Weird how habits can be broken over such a small thing such as using a different computer.
3. Holidays. Need I say more? I pretty much become useless to anything not holiday related come October.
4. I started a YTT-200 (Yoga Teacher Training) at the end of October which consumed a lot of my time, concentration, and energy. I had a lot of learning and spiritual opening and deepening to do which actually leads me into the topic for this part 3 post!

"Bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery is feeling the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, and deciding that something else is more important."- Marl Manson 

I took my first yoga class in 2014 during a semester of community college. My focus was more on my body. I wanted to feel strong and healthy. As a part of our class credit we were required to write a yoga memoir of sorts. This is what I wrote back then (edited from the original to fit the context of this post):

 "My first dip into yoga was through youtube videos and pictured instructions from health websites. From the little I knew about yoga I knew there were supposed different "types"...[the] one that caught my attention: Yoga to ease stress so that you can become pregnant. My husband and I had been trying... But I was too stressed. I tried to follow the pictures and videos but like all my exercise regimens at home: I am really good at doing it for a couple weeks and then I stop. I needed some constant motivation. I needed a class.

Once it got closer to signing up for [college] classes I began to feel like I needed this yoga class more than even I could understand. I had a strong desire to go to this class so that I could be more healthy and less stressed so that I could get pregnant but as I continued forward it became less about my destination and more about the journey to a destination that someone higher had planned for me.

For my first yoga class I was excited but I was also stressed. I was running late! I drove with hands gripped on the wheel, muttering to myself, all the way to the college campus. Before we had even really started the yoga sequences the stress began to melt off. There were no shoes allowed in the dance studio and I could feel the cold floor beneath my feet. I sat in the circle of other students there. Emily, our instructor, had us each take turns around the circle to say why we had decided to take a yoga course. At the time I didn't want to admit to everyone that it was so that I could get pregnant. On my drive home I suddenly began to cry and laugh at the same time. I didn't know why I was crying, and so I laughed about it because I felt that good. I reflected on how I took my time to roll up my mat because I didn't want to instantly go back into rushing somewhere. I wanted to take it all in and not let go of how it felt to be at peace.

That peace continued on even into my work day with the cute little 1 year olds I take care of at the day care I work for. I was more patient with them. I was more relaxed. They could feel it and they responded to it. Later on through the course I learned that [there are] certain positions that are used to release toxins both spiritual and physical ones. The toxins are continually releasing even after you are done with exercising.

Emily explained that because we are constantly releasing these toxins we may find ourselves crying or suddenly angry even a few days after class. It was at that moment that I realized why I had been crying after the first day of yoga. As I began to fully immerse myself into the yoga practices and "join together" my spirit and mind, I got closer to God in a whole new way. I realized it wasn't about what I wanted right now but what I needed. I realized it's okay to let things go and that I should because it's unhealthy to keep all that spiritual waste inside. Most of all, I realized that it's okay to be just me because I have a special purpose in life. That may not be to bare children right now, and I'm okay with that. I have other important things to be a part of. I'm so glad that I had the instructor that I did to lead me through this yoga journey. She is an excellent teacher. I keep telling everyone that I've taken her education courses for teachers and now yoga and if she were to teach anything else I would take that class too. Yoga has become one of my favorite courses I have ever had and I will always be grateful for what it has taught me."

Shortly after I had written this memoir -in that April of 2014- I found out I was pregnant with out first baby. I had learned, in a small way, what it felt like to let life take its course and how to be in the present moment. I had wanted to do baby yoga but the mentality I held around my morning sickness was that I couldn't do anything--I felt to ill, so I stopped. I may have done a few You Tube videos here and there after he was born but I didn't feel that healing need so I essentially abandoned it.

Two years after this memoir was written I got pregnant with our second baby during a chaotic time. Our rental contract was up on the house and we didn't want to renew, we moved into my families home that they were currently trying to sell, Dax was gone during work trainings so it was me and my morning sickness and a not yet 2 year old. After about 4 months we found a home to buy in another town and moved in with Dax's sister and her husband for a month, that was November of 2016. Dax had to get a new job where he worked night shifts at a Cox call center, we worked on house paperwork and hoped to be in our home before Christmas, I still had some nausea, and my anxiety bubbled beneath it all.

We were able to move into our first home December 1st 2016 and three months later and 3 weeks earlier than her due date my daughter was born. Those first few days I encountered my first real panic attacks. Those first few months after she was born I came to a realization that I had anxiety and always had but had coped with it well enough. I was angry a lot, I doubted my beliefs, and I questioned my purpose. All of this sent me on a journey to find myself, to be open to learning, and to starting this blog.

Over the next couple of years I worked on myself, I struggled, and I got stronger. In the summer of 2019 right after we had decided to sell our home and go back into apartment living to make it easier for our Air force journey I decided to pursue Yoga again. This time from a spiritual focus with a determination and force to REALLY incorporate it in my life. I was going to take a YTT-200 course.

I did my research and once I found the path I felt most drawn too I doubted it. Fear kicked in strong. I researched as much as I could about the course I was about to take (most of which kind of went over my head), I wrote down the benefits Brett listed on her site, and I even wrote down my reasons for doing it (July 2019 Journal entry):

• Myself. I feel like this is my biggest "why". I feel like if I practice and understand it more it can become a ritual of health that I can incorporate into everyday. To deepen my personal practice.
• It's a career/degree that can be completed in 17 weeks (about 3 months) at 3 times a week, for a total of 8-10 hours/week (I ended up doing about 15 hours/week and still didn't complete EVERYTHING).
• I can teach anywhere (in my journal entry I actually listed a few places of interest)
• Eventually I'd like to be trained in the Trauma Recovery Yoga and help with anxiety.

After this journal entry I felt the strong urge to just go for it. So, I mustered up my bravery, paid in full, in advance, and then sought out the required reading and began to read. Within the first chapter of "A Path with Heart," by Jack Kornfield I knew with every part of me that I was on the right path, little did I know how bumpy of a path it would actually be!

Within the first couple of weeks we were given a journal prompt,“what does asana mean to you”.

My response (November 2019 Journal Entry):

"Balance and strength- both inner and outer. I feel like with all the energetic and spiritual work that is to be done to lead to a successful and happy life there also needs to be the physical representation-- the asana. By practicing this flow and the breath I am putting any built up energy where it needs to go--constructively. I feel often times that when I work on my internal needs, it can become unbalanced if not checked in with it's physical partner. My introverted tendencies create this imbalance often. I work in my head until I become enraged, anxious, untamed, and then mentally exhausted. Even "positive" emotions can be built up: excitement, attachment, curiosity, etc. Unchecked by physical counterparts leaves me feeling "off" or "confused". 

By doing Asana I feel my life can be balanced between the tapah (focus) and the ishuara pranidhana (surrender) as well as the sthira (structure) and the sukham (sweetness) and I can find my own strength both inwardly and exclaimed outwardly in a dance or in helping another to find this precious and present space."  

I want to strive for the presence of the now. To flow between the bliss and the challenge as an observer versus the passenger. I want my happiness to be independent from situations. I wanted to be aware and flexible. Theres a flexibility to be found in each pose (following excerpt taken from my Yoga Instagram Account):

•Physically flexibility requires the balance of sthira(strength) and sukham(stretch). Often times we may feel the need to have too much sukham through pushing ourselves past physical limits due to pressures or the need to impress. This can cause complications in the body’s structure. When we first strengthen the muscles and then stretch we obtain that balance.

• Mental flexibility can come in handy when dealing with asana. Allowing yourself to be present, allowing the asana to adapt to you, eliminating poses or growing comfortable with modifications of poses even if they don’t look worthy to post on Instagram . I feel it! I feel the pressure to preform verses listening to my body and what it’s telling me it needs to do.

Connecting the mind and movement, getting out of overthinking and into doing, listening, observing, and accomplishing- This is what asana means to me. 

For at least half of the teacher training I struggled between what felt right to me and what I felt like I should do, I had painful moments in time and experiences resurface, my insecurities came out, my doubt leveled joy. And then I just went for it- I went for all of it. Like the quote I posted above I felt the fear, the doubt, the insecurity and with the support, guidance, material, and tools I was receiving from my class I conquered most of it and my anxious voice softened to just a voice in the back of my head. 

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to keep moving forward in the dark when you feel like theres nothing to move forward to.  It's there that I uncovered my tendencies, created plans to move forward, became more compassionate, connected to others, sought out deeper understanding, and found more beauty in the world. It was there my creativity was sparked again and my purpose surfaced. 

Where do you draw inspiration from? 

Until next time! 

XOXO

Megan

--------------> Next Blog Post: You Are Enough 

Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 2

*Pre-disclosure: This post was actually written August 2nd but was never posted due to unknown events. The second of three posts was supposed to be an informational update on our progress in the Airforce application process. We didn't hear from them until the beginning of September that they needed a follow up visit with the chiropractor that treated Da Beast after the offending accident that caused a halt in the process in the first place. So we're still at a stand still which I am at peace with. Other thoughts and inspirations, however, have flooded my mind and heart that I have been fighting for awhile and especially the past few weeks. Also we celebrated our 8th anniversary and took a mini family vacation. Lastly, my computer battery was fried thanks to me constantly leaving it plugged in. So here it is, the second part, hopefully in part 3 I can officially give an update on our military journey to the Airforce life.*

  Freedom was never gained taking the easy road. It has never been something that "comes easy". It may start off with ease, it may be surrounded by peace, and it may even have comfort sprinkled throughout the journey but at some point in that journey to freedom, opposition will present itself and it is not only a part of it but a necessary part of it. We cannot fully be grateful and experience our freedom unless we also understand the opposition of it, of ALL things (2 Nephi 2:11).

• Even in Heaven there was a war for our freedom to choose. (Revelation 12: 7-11) )  (Moses 4:1-4)
• Moses had to face his own fears and troubles to obtain the freedom of the people (Major events found in Exodus 2,  Exodus 7 , and Exodus 14) 
• Esther with the help of the people's fasting took bravery and a possibility of sacrifice for a freedom to live. 
• Jesus was born, atoned for our sins, and died for the freedom of every soul beginning as a promise made before the war in heaven and manifested on Earth. (Events found in Matthew 1 , Mark 14, and Luke 23) 
• Captain Moroni wrote a Title of Liberty and led the people through God for freedom for their religion. (Alma 46)
• Mormon fought for belief and hope for the people when they were at war for pride and anger. (Mormon 2)
• Moroni fought society by seclusion for the protection of the records and religion of the people. (Mormon 8) 
• The 13 colonies began the formation of the United States by fighting for independence from England  

...And the list is so much more extensive and on going. And these are just events of opposition for the benefit of the whole of a people. Everyday we face our own personal oppositions and often because of them we feel weak and alone. "Well, if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else; because if it's just you alone, you're not as much of a threat" Luna Lovegood from "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", by J.K. Rowling. 

Do we flee or fight?

Fighting often gets a bad wrap because of the connotation behind it. When you come from a place of anger, hostility, pride, selfishness, misunderstanding, expectation, and assumption the fight is not fair, just or honorable. As a result in order to avoid a fight and obtain a sense of safety we concede or flee from the confrontation of another. However, if we evaluate the position of the other and what they are feeling as well as our own and come from a place of peace, love, humility, selflessness, flexibility, and openness the fight can be had and overcome. Not every fight mentioned above was done physically. Some were done verbally. Others were done when one half of the fighting party was fighting with God on their side and honorably while the other fought with hostility and lusting after blood. I'll let you figure out who "won" those wars and contentions. 

War and contention will continue, everyday, personally or in many groups and societies until the Prince of Peace comes to tame the land once again. 

Our families journey to fight for freedom not just for our family but also for our country and religion has definitely NOT been the easy road but we have felt this peace as it continues to go forward and I have faith that as the challenges with our decisions become more difficult- because they will- we will continue to be uplifted and guided by God, as long as we continue to draw close to him and happily endure all things. 

Easier said than done, I know. 

"Freedom isn't about what you can get from your country, it's about what you can do for your country" -John F. Kennedy, Inaugural Address.  And let me just add that that goes for everything, not just our country. The more we concentrate on what we can do for others versus what we get out of it, our world will seem a little brighter, bigger, and more lovely. 

Other Resources we are using to promote the feeling of freedom in our home in preparation for our military journey: 

1. Church Resources for Military Members 
2. Come Follow Me Manuals for learning and teaching the gospel at home and supported by the Church. 
3. Scripture Reading and Study 
4. General Conference Talks 
5. Really good "self help" books. 

We've also been looking for advice from others who have recently been in our shoes through various websites and YouTube videos that I've either already shared or will continue to share as we document our journey from here on out! 

XOXO

Megan 

--------------> Next Blog Post: Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 3

Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 1

When I was a young teenager my family took our family vacation to San Diego California after Thanksgiving. We drove up to the Military base campground and checked in by saying my grandfather (on my moms side) was waiting for us. We parked our trailer and met up with my Grandpa and step Grandma before exploring around the base. As far as I can remember this was the first time I had ever been to a military base and I was taking it all in. On our way to the commissary and exchange I had even exclaimed that "maybe when I grow up I'll join the Air force". It just felt right. It felt like "my place". My mom said I wouldn't. She was right.

Da Beast and I got married September 2011. As we got to know each other both before and after that marriage I had learned how fascinating military life had always been to him. He even thought about doing the ROTC (reserve officer training corps) in high school but didn't. He does like to write stories and always includes some type of military lingo, weaponry, uniform, excreta in his character descriptions. As we discussed this interest I had expressed to him that I didn't think I could handle that kind of life: always wondering, always worrying, and being alone. I had just found him and married him for heaven sake and I wasn't going to be without him for one second. (Okay that's an exaggeration but you get the picture.) 

Da Beast has always been interested in technology but was unsure what he wanted to go into exactly and whether or not he could have it as a sustainable career. He looked into becoming a Physical Therapist and a Paramedic after his leg surgery when we were only about 6 months married and ended up moving to a school which was highly rated for the second career option. Soon after we moved we decided that wasn't the career he really wanted and he went back to figuring out what technological job he wanted to have. He tried the community college, we thought maybe we should try a move cross country, we had our first baby, he changed jobs, he changed jobs again to a internet company, he tried BYU pathways, I got pregnant with baby number two, we decided our time where we were currently living was up even though we didn't want to leave, but above all we felt a little lost in direction. The more schooling he tried to get into, the different jobs that he took, and even the location we felt strongly we needed to move to looked like a mess but through it all we were led closer and closer to the destination we were made for. Through all that Dax felt his happiest at the internet job he was apart of and knew he wanted to go into computers and get his certifications but even that took time and money we didn't currently have. We were a little frustrated but kept plugging forward with where we felt like we needed to be. 

We moved. We moved to a place we didn't really want to go at first but felt like it was the place we needed to be so we could spend more time with extended family, especially grandparents. Even the first house we looked at felt like home and where we were supposed to be. We bought our first house and the ward we moved into was the ward we needed in our lives at that time as well. We were just barely into our 5th year of marriage and little did I know the amount of growth and learning I needed to do over the next 2.5 years in our house supported by our special ward. After I got over the largest  emotional, spiritual, and mental hurdles I'd ever faced in my life and things started to pick up again Dax received an email from the Navy offering technology based jobs. Jokingly and knowing the previous military conversation was a "no-go", Da Beast said "hey I could join the Navy". Without actually thinking about it I said "okay" in response. We were both taken by surprise by the seriousness of my tone. As Dax asked me if I was serious I had already began contemplating the seriousness of what I had said and whether I REALLY was okay with it. There was SO much peace around the decision that there was no room for doubt. Da Beast talked to a recruiter online with the Navy and also mentioned the Air force was an option he'd like to consider.  The real question was, would he feel more comfortable on an:

Airplane or Ship?

He said he would feel more comfortable on an Airplane and I had agreed after watching all the training for the Navy. It didn't seem to fit him. Once we started looking more into the Airforce, watching the training videos and even the last name of our recruiter became little signs along the way that this was the direction we were meant to go, no matter how big or little of a challenge it would be for us it was right and we perused on even through the long waits and frustrating obstacles.

May 24th 2018- The first time we met in person with a Airforce recruiter. It was also the same day Da Beast's youngest sister was graduating from highschool. We left our children with Grandma and Grandpa at the pre-graduation dinner and went together to get some of our questions answered. Knowing nothing about the Airforce despite the family members we knew had been in the military in one way or another we thought that once you agreed to be apart of a branch that within a few months you were sent to boot camp. We had learned that not only is it not called "boot camp" but Basic Military Training (BMT) but that the process and paperwork alone would take a bit of time. As of that day we were looking at the end of the year beginning of next.

August 6th 2018- Da Beast had another appointment with his recruiter but this one was different. For all the other appointments that had been made it was for general type of paperwork such as marriage licence, job history, house and living history, medical history, social, etc. It was very similar to just applying for a civilian job (this term was something I'd never really heard of before but it was used in reference to "regular" jobs versus a government based job,) The history requested however was a lot more extensive than just a civilian job. They wanted Da Beast's whole life. They also send you to do your Armed Forces Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) test, which is basically like a career placement or college placement test. They test you in different areas to determine where you are and what careers in the military are available to you based off of your score. After all of this was completed he made this appointment in August to find out when he would attend Military Entrance Processing Station (MEPS) which is an all day event testing out every physical aspect such as eye exam, rectal and reproductive system, and joint and ligament movement through short exercises such as the "duck walk". Those are just a few things they check. Next they go through your medical history with you as well as discuss career and financial aspects of the military branch you are going into. Then you take an oath. Da Beast's appointment was scheduled for the next week but what actually happened is the doctors that oversee the medical part of MEPS requested more in depth information about his medical history.

We were put on a delayed entrance program and everything was on hold until we sent them all they needed to know which they never said all at once. Over the next few months we would send in the medical information we received from past hospital visits and even make other appointments for updated information, send it in, it was accepted and then they would ask for another that needed more review. This happened about 3 or 4 times before Dax was actually scheduled for MEPS. I had the feeling that June would be the time that things would start changing for us.

June 3rd 2019- All of the paperwork was accepted for Da Beast's extensive medical history and today was the appointment where his recruiter briefed him on all things MEPS. The hotel stay the night before with all the military recruits in the state; Meals that were provided; conduct that was acceptable; acceptable dress and appearance; and even suggestions such as don't go swimming or drink soda/alcohol or mention ANY medical issue that had not been reported before attending because it could mess with the process. The date was scheduled for reporting to the hotel on the 10th and MEPS all day on the 11th. The kids and I drove Da Beast out to his hotel and had dinner with him after he checked in and before he had to report for more briefing. We felt in awe that after so many months this was actually happening. We parted ways and the kids and I drove home. The next morning at 6am Da Beast came in through the door. I asked him what had happened and he said that the doctor that had approved his paperwork sent an outdated form to the MEPS office and so he wasn't even let in and instead was sent home. Da Beast conversed with his recruiter who got it fixed and had him rescheduled for the following week.

June 18th-19th 2019- Da Beast drove himself out this time since the kids and I didn't need the car and was gone for half the day this time before returning home... again... frustrated. There was an accident that was missing from his records that Da Beast had brought up because he thought he had told his recruiter about it. Apparently he hadn't or it wasn't noted because they didn't have it on record. It was policy to not let him continue on without a full account of information so they stopped him in the process and sent him home early. Luckily he won't have to go through the whole MEPS evaluation. Once the paperwork for that accident is sent in, reviewed, and approved he'll reschedule and go in pretty much right where he left off.

To be continued...

------------> Next Blog Post: Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt.2
  

How to Care for Others and YOU!

So in my last blog post I included this topic as one of the 5 ways you can look for the lessons in your life. However it was too big of a topic to include everything so it seemed only fitting to give it it's very own post.

First off let me just say that this has been something I've been struggling with myself lately. There are a lot of social media platforms that are flowing with self care ideas, mantras, quotes, and all around advertisement for how important it is to take care of you. I think it's a very real thing for everyone that by taking that "me time" for yourself you preform better, work better, love better, etc. I find it all very moving, especially from social media mental health platforms, and effective. My hang up? Where is the balance? As a mom of two little people it seemed IMPOSSIBLE to take that time to regroup and then mom better. Then I realized that self care was about my perspective. Without kids it was easy for me to manage my emotions and mental stability by going off alone and doing whatever the heck I wanted to do, or go out for that matter! With a husband, two little kids, and all of their inventory I'm now accountable for in my homemaking quest, that seemed to get harder and harder for me because I saw it as an evasion on the quiet contemplation and focused self care.

My original perspective was that in order to take care of me it didn't include them. That perspective was hard for me to accept and I ended up putting them before me because I didn't want to seem selfish and I KNEW that I was responsible for my kids lives; I couldn't just leave them to fend for themselves.

So what did I do? I sat on it. I thought and thought and through a lot of prayer I continue to find tid bits that work for me and that I'm going to be sharing here. However, I know for a FACT I don't understand it all. It's one of the reasons I've postponed this post in the first place. I like to be able to give full answers to questions I or others have. This is not a complete answer. I am still looking for more answers myself, I am still learning myself, and if you go read my last post as I've linked up above this is a life lesson that I will continue to learn about and find answers through those steps.

1.  Draw close to God.It's important to put God first so that we can be inspired with the answers we are looking for. When you follow His direction and commandments "then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." (1 Nephi 20: 6-10 & 18). If you are not religious my first response would be to find God because seriously He is everywhere and I would not have gotten anywhere close to where I am now without His guiding hand in my life. I know he has inspired me, lifted me, and led me to where I can grow the most and the best. These blog posts being one of them. My second response would be to do your best to connect with the land. There is an energy in the Earth that many can FEEL. It's why most self care and self help pins on Pinterest, mental health gurus, and so on and so forth say to get yourself outside. There is a TON of healing power in nature.
2.  Fill your heart with a love for others. If you're like me try and stop thinking that the self care and care of others are separate things and lower your expectations. Learn to have fun while you do work together, learn to think outside of the box and incorporate those you love in the things you do, learn to compromise, learn that what others give of themselves to you is what they are capable of giving in that moment, and learn to see the good. When practicing these things your love for others will continue to grow and you'll be able to see them as delights in your life versus irritants, complications, or out to get you. 
3. Try and walk the path of a disciple of Jesus Christ. One day I woke up feeling like I needed a day for me. That thought left me feeling guilty! How dare I want to take time to myself! Does my husband ever stop working? He comes home from work and then helps at home. Do my kids ever stop being kids and needing help? Needing me? HAHAHAHA! No. The answers no. So who did I think I was to want a day for me? I WANTED the title of mom and I wanted to career of a homemaker. You don't get breaks... or vacation... or privacy... it's in the job description. I had all these thoughts going through my head (and then some) but decided to tell myself that it was okay because it was Just. One. Day. Even better was the fact that I was CHOOSING me, instead of clawing for self care as a last ditch effort for just a smidgen of sanity. You know what happened that day?! I felt pretty amazing ALL DAY and do you want to know the best part? I actually WANTED to get things done and by the end of the day I thought I had "mommied" pretty well. Say what?!? I took care of myself, my little people, AND my husband at the same time without feeling overwhelmed or exhausted?!? Yes... yes I did. How? By following Jesus Christ. That man never seemed like he took a break but as I read the Book of Mormon October-December last year I realized how much Jesus did go off alone and take a break with prayer, fasting, taking a breath or two, contemplating but then the people would come and beg for him to teach them more or to just spend time with him and he'd go on his way with  them. Here was the "AH HA" moment for me: He put his needs first but was okay with being interrupted. That day when I took it for myself I was okay with being interrupted. Interruption has always been hard for me. I like to concentrate, focus, and hone in. That's how I had always done it as an individual. Put your self care first but not at the expense of others. "It may be that your Christlike response to rejection a hardened heart could be softened"- Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf  
4. Share what is in your heart (See: Missionary Work: Sharing What is in Your Heart by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf). This one I feel like is up to a very large array of interpretations because I feel like this looks different to everyone. The important thing is to contemplate what serving others AND yourself means to you and to study the scriptures and to turn to God and you'll find your answer. After that if there are things that are troubling you talk about it, write it out, and/or find help. There is a TON of help out there and even if one rejects their service and talents or you just aren't meshing with one person to receive what you need the good news is that there is someone out there that is meant to say the thing you needed or be there along with you for the ride. As uncomfortable as asking for help might be (hello, I'm Megan and I fear rejection) sharing what is in your heart will help you AND might even help someone else struggling with the same thing but was also too afraid to speak up. I have been finding that by talking about our struggles and personal experiences with another that there is a deep bond and connection that can happen even with two complete strangers.
5. Trust the Lord to work his miracles. Being able to figure out the many ways that my family and myself could be taken care of at the same time boosts my confidence and removes my guilt. Bonus points if we are also working and having fun at the same time!  Trying to do them seperatly caused tension , confusion, and a TON of guilt leading to despair and taking care of no ones needs. Self Care doesn't always look the same. Sometimes it is that quiet and secluded time for just yourself and sometimes it's taking it as it comes and allowing the interruption to happen. Sometimes those moments that may have been an "inconvenience" turns into the very self care moment you were looking for. Sure the kids might have fallen asleep in the care throwing any chance at a real nap out the window not to mention all the things you wanted to get done, but it also presented an opportunity and a choice. I happened to choose to stay in the care while they slept so that they could get some rest and I could take a moment of my self care and say "to heck with dinner and taking showers right now even though they're wet from swimming". It was worth it, even if it wasn't apart of the plan. 

XOXO

Megan
---------------->Next Blog Post: Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 1         Pt. 2         Pt.3

5 Ways to Help You Find the Lessons in Life

Unlike the last post I've actually been really excited to write this post, but I wanted it to be as complete as I could make it so I put it off until the very last day of May... which is crazy... how can it already be the middle of the year?!

I was inspired to write about this topic while I've been noticing certain topics in my own life coming up and teaching me and then as I write them on this blog. Then I realized there have been about 5 main contributors that have helped me to notice what I am learning about. Having that outlook of learning "something" has REALLY helped me with feeling anxious or angry about troubling times in my life right now so let's do this:

1. Look at the people around you. There will always be a person that comes your way full of things you need to hear. It may not be right away, they may be learning the same lesson as you, and they may only be in your life for that moment or lesson that you needed to learn but as you really try to listen, understand, and find commonalities with each person you interact with you WILL learn something. You might not even want to hear what they have to say, but be careful of this as that could very well be your life lesson flagging you down. 

"You will find the things you least want to hear can help you grow the most"

-Isha Judd 

     2. Study in the meantime. Sometimes there will be a lengthy bit of time (or at least it will feel                   lengthy) where you feel like a lesson isn't coming or that you're not learning anything and it can             be frustrating (especially once you start recognizing these life lessons). It may be you still have               something to learn from the previous lesson that you thought you were done with and/or you're             not quite ready to let the next lesson in, because let's be real, life lessons aren't all "ah ha"                       moments. They're also uncomfortable and even hard to accept. If you find yourself stuck, try and           look at anything and everything you might be avoiding due to keeping up appearances with                   others, your own ideals and wants, and topics that cause you to feel strong emotions. In most                 there in lies your life lesson. Life lessons aren't there to make you feel better about yourself, at                 first, but to evaluate yourself and help you to be better at feeling. Some ways that I study in the             meantime are to pray, read/listen to scriptures, reading, being aware of the people around me,                   being aware of my own actions and reactions to work on, and being active both physically and             in what I am learning about like writing it down on this blog and in my journals. 

    3. Be "vulnerable".  I put this in quotations because I DON'T mean let everyone and everything              walk all over you. What I DO mean is to be humble, objective or unbiased, and trusting. It's a                harder to learn a subject when you go into a scenario loaded with personal feelings, opinions,                and/or being defensive. It's not impossible but it is harder. My suggestion is to come together in              harmony with you having your own ideas, feelings, opinions AND that you don't know                          everything. This is where other people can become pretty important in life lessons- everyone has            their own journey to make. We all have the same beginning and same ending but how we go                  from our beginning to our physical end all depends on what life lessons you let come into your              life to help you grow and to leave the world a slightly better place than when you arrived. 

   4. Welcome Experiences. Opportunities, events, meetings, or other experiences will be presented to          you throughout your life. If the situation arises and you feel that pull towards it, go for it, no                    matter how scary it might seem. 

"Always go with the choice that scares you the most, 

because that is the one that is going to help you grow"

-Caroline Myss

         I'd like to add that along with going with what scares you the most it's also good to do things you          don't necessarily want to do, because through it you will grow but you may also find what things            are important to you, you just had to work for it. 

   5. Serving yourself and serving others.  First, draw close to God; Second, fill your heart with a love for others; Third, try and walk the path of a disciple of Jesus Christ; Fourth, share what is in your heart; and Fifth, trust the Lord to work His miracles. (See: Missionary Work: Sharing What is in Your Heart by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf). 

"It may be that your Christlike response to rejection a hardened heart could be softened"

- Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf  

It's important to put God first so that we can be inspired with the answers we are looking for. When you follow His direction and commandments "then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." (1 Nephi 20: 6-10 & 18). Something I've been contemplating for a few years is "how can I take care of myself and others at the same time?" I've learned a few tricks and aspects that contributed to the answer to that question over time but never a full answer until recently. I've learned to have fun while we do the work we need to, to think outside the box and incorporate my children into my exercising by thinking of it more as "movement" than "routine", and to take myself on timeouts and breaks when I've needed them. All of these were good ways of "coping" but they still never fixed the separation of "serving others" and "self care" that I had in my mind. For most of my life they have been separate. I take care of me then I take care of you. I zone in on the things I like to do and then I move on. Then I got married and had kids and everything reversed for me. I take care of you then I take care of me. I do everything I have to and then if I have time I'll zone in on what I want to do, because everything I like to do deserves my concentration. I felt unhappy because I didn't know how to do BOTH. If I took care of myself I felt guilty for not taking care of my husband, my children, and my house let alone other people! Through studying the scriptures and putting God first in my life I was able to find the answer that bridged that gap in my mind and allows me to complete the other 4 suggestions that Elder Uchtdorf presented in his general conference talk. The important thing is to contemplate what serving others AND yourself means to you and to study the scriptures and to turn to God and you'll find your answer. Due to the length of this post already I'll write more about the "How to Serve others AND You" in my next post if you're interested in what my answer was! 

Good luck on your journey and I hope these 5 ways will help you learn your purpose as you go! 

XOXO

Megan
---------------->Next Blog Post: How to Care for Others and YOU!