Let's talk about the things that are not often celebrated or rather the instances where our mixed feelings make things confusing, our circumstances change, or even grief. Yes, I believe all of these things can be celebrated just as much as the things that make us happy and "feel good".
Let's start with grief: I used to think that this only related to those who experienced something major like a death in the family, something significant like the loss of a job, or anything else related to a deep sadness. It was back in March that I realized that grief is more than any of those things, Grief is CHANGE. Anything that changes in your life can put you into any form or at any stages of the grief cycle- usually bouncing around back and forth within that scope.
March, 19th 2020
Yesterday Morning I woke up with a thought that trauma goes through layers. It’s started for me as something I could sympathize with but couldn’t personalize. I was optimistic that it would be alright.
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As things began to disappear and close and as social media became a thunderstorm of announcements of stress, encouragement, humor, stress, and experience I still held onto my faith that God was with my family and that it would be fine but other emotions started creeping in as well:
•denial of the seriousness
•anger at the panicked stockpiling
•anxious that I would have to go to the store on my normal shopping day and I couldn’t find what I needed.
•projecting my fear to the future that one day I might go to the store and not be able to feed my children or wipe our bums.
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Then I went shopping and that’s when my shock hit me. I saw it for myself but more than that I felt it. I felt dumb for wanting to cry in the store so I held it in until I drove home. Then I cried, yes, from the overwhelm and shock but also because I was full of gratitude-we had found what we needed, my son was a bright spot in everyone’s shopping experience, and our prayers had been answered.
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Then I plummeted. I didn’t want to leave my bed and I was upset with my lack of motivation. Our schedule hasn’t really changed but it all felt off. Why wasn’t I being normal? So I pushed myself and got more stressed and reacted angrily to minor situations. I tried to do nothing but then I felt hopeless and sucked into a device. Then I crazy organized and cleaned our apartment and felt slightly better. I tried things I enjoyed doing-some frustrated me more and some gave a bit of relief.
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Then I caught the Coronavirus...in my dream. I had accepted it in my dream. Then I woke up with this thought of trauma going through layers or in a pattern. Sound familiar? It did to me.
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I woke up this morning in search of the stages of grief. While the images I found of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle helped me realize the path I was on was of grief and change (especially the 7 stage change model curve) an image from a stock trading site resonated the most for me:
As things began to disappear and close and as social media became a thunderstorm of announcements of stress, encouragement, humor, stress, and experience I still held onto my faith that God was with my family and that it would be fine but other emotions started creeping in as well:
•denial of the seriousness
•anger at the panicked stockpiling
•anxious that I would have to go to the store on my normal shopping day and I couldn’t find what I needed.
•projecting my fear to the future that one day I might go to the store and not be able to feed my children or wipe our bums.
-
Then I went shopping and that’s when my shock hit me. I saw it for myself but more than that I felt it. I felt dumb for wanting to cry in the store so I held it in until I drove home. Then I cried, yes, from the overwhelm and shock but also because I was full of gratitude-we had found what we needed, my son was a bright spot in everyone’s shopping experience, and our prayers had been answered.
-
Then I plummeted. I didn’t want to leave my bed and I was upset with my lack of motivation. Our schedule hasn’t really changed but it all felt off. Why wasn’t I being normal? So I pushed myself and got more stressed and reacted angrily to minor situations. I tried to do nothing but then I felt hopeless and sucked into a device. Then I crazy organized and cleaned our apartment and felt slightly better. I tried things I enjoyed doing-some frustrated me more and some gave a bit of relief.
-
Then I caught the Coronavirus...in my dream. I had accepted it in my dream. Then I woke up with this thought of trauma going through layers or in a pattern. Sound familiar? It did to me.
-
I woke up this morning in search of the stages of grief. While the images I found of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle helped me realize the path I was on was of grief and change (especially the 7 stage change model curve) an image from a stock trading site resonated the most for me:
- Optimism
- Excitement
- Thrill
- Euphoria
- Anxiety
- Denial
- Fear
- Desperation
- Panic
- Capitulation
- Despondence
- Hope
- Relief
- Optimism
I’ve been asked “how are you guys doing” and I didn’t really have an answer for anyone. Then I found this searching for the grief and change stages and now I have my answer: I’m grieving. At any moment I am in one of these emotions (plus others that are not on this particular image but this one resonated the most to me). My normal has been shaken and I’m grieving the loss of it. That doesn’t mean I’m constantly depressed because grief has stages and sometimes I may have thought I moved onto the next stage but really I’m just bouncing around from stage to stage, back and forth. I didn’t have a complete answer for anyone because “how I was doing” was on a spectrum
As you can see grief can come from anything, from stock markets, to being cooped up inside, from struggling to find you voice among many, to death. You’re letting go of something old, something you’ve worked for, something you’ve related to, or maybe something you’re attached to. Grieving is okay in these situations too, it’s not just saved for the severity of sad moments.
Since March when everything was shut down and we were put on a quarantine to self isolate (where I'm from) things just seemed to go bonkers from what I saw in stores to what I saw on Instagram everyone was grieving, and when you have multiple people grieving at once it's even harder for everyone to heal because we all want someone to listen, we all want someone to see, we all want some one to understand...but when we all want something we can't give because we are grieving we can't expect others to give something they also don't have. But Christ can. When we turn to him and seek answers and give up our insecurities, when we stop demanding justice from other human beings that are too imperfect to give it and look into our own pains and shadows, when we open up our hearts and minds without pointing fingers so we can get a glimpse at the bigger impact our actions have not just at who we are angry at but also how it always comes back to someone we love...that's when we can begin to heal. As we heal we let go of trying to tell others how to speak, support, love, wear, and heal while also being patient with the different way they speak, support, love, wear, and heal. Our control is here. Our space is here. Our support is here. Our voice is here. It's not "out there".
After a few months being stuck indoors for as much as possible (besides the occasional outing to the grocery store or to see family) there were other horrors being shared on social media. Many times I had to avoid social media for a few days to recollect myself. June 29th was definitely one of those times:
So I’m having a rough go this morning and as I’m thinking about it I’m realizing:I’m getting really tired of being told by outside sources what to wear, how to think, what I should be doing or not doing, etc. Its restrictive.
I think everyone is feeling restricted and its been stressful for all of us and adding extra tension in everyone so, I feel like, we’re all extra irritable with each other. In my opinion I think as a whole we act on only two options: try and control the situation (by being vocal and trying to control what others do, think, say, believe, wear etc, dieting, judging others for doing things differently) or to search for freedom (overindulgence's like over eating, excess traveling, rebelling against a system, being over active/busy, seeking something sensual, etc.)
There’s actually a third option available to us but we don’t often take it but when we do it balances our inner turmoil from outer situational circumstances. It separates what is important and necessary from the loud voices around us. It connects us back to our soul, purpose and God. That’s where we will find the true peace and freedom. That is where we will be able to solve conflicts by necessary means including war or tough conversations if needs be. We will remember how to work from the inside out versus having the outside work it’s way in.
I'll say it again: grief is change and can mix up all our feelings. Often times I feel like the main emotion that makes an appearance is anger. I read once on instagram a mother who was explaining to her child what anger was: a mask hiding another feeling. Either because we don't yet know what that emotion is because we don't want to look at it or we know what the emotion is but we are ashamed or guilty of it. Either way we all have big emotions and it's okay to feel them, to coax them out, to be raw with someone close and safe, and to not always have an immediate resolution. I'm sure I've said it before but it's here in this vulnerable state that we can create the deepest and most healing bonds with one another as long as the other person is in a healing and growing place themselves.
This brings me to my last example: No matter how happy or optimistic about a new venture you are going after you might still follow the stages of grief...and that’s normal! Grieving is okay in these situations too, it’s not just saved for the severity of sad moments.
On July 10th 2020, the hubby got a call from his Airforce recruiter: we now have a date for the BMT (basic military training)! If you've been following my blog for a little while now you know we've been waiting a long time for this! If you haven't you can catch up by reading this blog post. We've been excitedly and sometimes impatiently waiting for this day! My heart was thudding in my chest and there were butterflies in my stomach. I stood in the kitchen, pausing the dinner I was making, to stare wide eyed at the Da Beast in the corner of the living room talking excitedly, breathlessly, and cautiously into the phone. He was so excited and that's when other emotions started to put strain on my heart. I couldn't listen to them now. I told them, "later". But "later" never really came. Da Beast got off the phone and quickly looked at the job he'd be going to tech school for: cyber transport systems. It’s very similar to what he does now and he’s done for another job that he loved when we lived in Northern Arizona: network, cables, repairing communication systems to make sure they’re operational like circuits, telephones, routers & IP networks, ports, computers, etc. It says he can have a lot of down time if everything is operational so he can use that time to study for certifications like COMPTIA which he’s been wanting to do or other classes towards his career. It says the culture is a corporate of geeks where they talk about video games It does take a lot of studying to achieve high marks for his tech school training which lasts about 6 months.More than likely all his training will take place at Keesler Airforce Base located in Biloxi,MS.
He then asked me what I was thinking or how I was feeling (I don't remember which) but I told him I was feeling a lot of things but didn't want to acknowledge them because then I would cry. He hugged me but didn't pry and I was glad at the time. I told him we shouldn't call or tell anyone yet until we let it settle with our little family first. We talked about things like if it was worth the kids and I moving there for the short period of time he'd be in tech school (his job training) and we entertained the idea for about an hour when I realized it was more important for us to stay where we are. Putting the kids through so much change all at once, veruses little by little was best not to mention we would have lots of family and friends near by. Another reason was because Da Beast is planning on leaving work a couple weeks before his BMT start date in September so instead of using that time to move we'd use it to spend time as a family, prepare the things we can control, and spend time with other family that he might not see for some time. At the end of the day we decided it just made more sense for the kids and I will stay where we are but we will be able to chat often enough when he’s in tech school and the kids and I will go to Mississippi once or twice while he’s there so we can visit.
The next couple of days we called/ video chatted family and shared our news! We also got to see our new nephew who made his debut July 2nd! I got asked a lot how I was feeling and even though I said and felt like I was excited there were still those other pesky emotions that begged for attention in the back of my mind. I quieted them by announcing that I had "many feelings but I was mostly excited" and then brushing them away again. By the end of all the announcements and Da Beast's very apparent excitement I never did get to acknowledging all of my feelings. I didn't want to ruin this for him. I didn't want to seem miserable to everyone when I really WAS excited. I didn't want "all those other feelings" to overshadow any happiness or excitement that I really did have but would then be judged by others because of these "other feelings". So I held it in and that's when the alarms started going off. My other feelings had just realized I lied to them and was never going to let them speak. It was like my whole body was saying "release pressure RELEASE PRESSURE!" but I instead tightened my walls and sunk deeper, but they were relentless: they started seeping out in anger and irritation and I even wanted to avoid a call with a good friend because I knew, to her, I'd spill the beans. And that's just what I did. My dear friend with ears to hear, a kind heart, and a compassionate soul listened to me ugly cry on the phone how afraid I was, how overwhelmed with feelings and responsibilities I was, how alone I was, how guilty I was, how frustrated I was, how disconnected I was...and all she said back to me was a validation of my feelings and how she only wished she could be here to give me a hug. I cried harder. She had a safe place for all my feelings to go and I am insanely grateful that God put her in my life by the simplest meeting in a park almost a year ago. After being so full of emotions I felt completely drained after our conversation and was then filled with love and courage by her gentle reassurances that we were strong and we were ready for this: no reprimands, no "this is what I would of done", no questioning my feelings or decisions, no "fixes", and no "you're so brave, I could NEVER do that,"...just listening and giving me a gentle push forward and back on my feet. Because if we are complete bearing our souls here: I didn't feel very brave. I'm also not saying anyone else said those things to me, I made them up on the spot to show the comparison and how much I appreciated the way she respond to me in MY current situation. In other situations and relationships the "other" things that could have been mentioned wouldn't all be "bad". That night I talked to Da Beast and told him all these feelings I had and he just listened and held me and told me that I didn't have to ONLY be happy or excited, I could be sad too. The next week I took it easy as I slowly gained back my momentum and planning for all the fun things we will be up too till he leaves. That is until yesterday. Da Beast was going through the same things I had just gone through: sinking deeper into his overwhelming feelings. We talked them out and I showed him the same support I always have and that I've been shown with a listening ear, open heart, and love...but it didn't start out that way. At first I was upset because I had been trying all day to bring everyone together but it was like putting two magnets together that had opposing energy and I wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't seeking to put him down or scold him but I did remind him where his place was and what was important to me. Then when I realized it went much deeper that what I was aware of I then apologized for not asking more questions and being more observant. We talked about how grateful we didn't feel overwhelmed at the same time so we could be there to fully support each other and strengthen each other. I then felt like I've been told off and on the past few years, "brave". I also felt something I'd never felt before in the form of a thought, "I will wear my tears with honor."
In conclusion, and if I've written this post well enough, there were moments in my examples where celebration occurred. I celebrated the grief cycle when I found out that was what I was going through and I now had a rough map to my feelings. I celebrated the time I had to be more creative. In my second example I celebrated diversity and how we all navigate life different, it's beautiful, and I have so may more opportunities to listen to others stories! And in my final example I celebrated a long awaited announcement, good friends, and the deepening connection we have with each other when we express our feelings and listen to each other with love. Change is to be celebrated no matter how challenging or easy they many seem! Change may be grief but change is also a celebration! We are constantly growing and if we didn't feel a little scared we would be too arrogant to learn what we truly need to flourish.
Let's not only celebrate the fun and happy times but lets also celebrate the challenging and troubling times that we are working through or have worked through, because in the end it's all worth a little celebration.
You are worth celebrating!
Much love,
Megan
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