Each one of us has this amazing and unique story. We may find others with extremely similar stories that draw us closer together. We may also find others that bother, frustrate, or make us believe that they are NOTHING like us and all they do is judge us for who we are. In Alma 5:18 it talks about having a remembrance of the defiance against God and his commandments. Even if you don't believe in God or are struggling with your belief in God your inner being still has those things that you remember that churn your stomach or make your chest ache and squeeze tight. Your anxiety swells; your depression tells you not to get out of bed in fear of making your yesterday, your today; and you're avoidance kicks in with justifications, busy work, anger, substances, and a slew of other activities to keep you from looking your beast straight in the eyes and clear your conscious the right and permanent way.
This "right and permanent way" looks a little different to everyone, because like I've shared in the previous paragraph, each of us has this amazing and unique story, even with those who share similar stories to ours they are slightly different, and even those we think are NOTHING like us or judge us they are more like us than we know. I know this because we have all made mistakes. We are all hurting over something or many somethings. What if we treated everyone as if they were in serious trouble? What if we were able to take care of others AND ourselves at the same time versus attempting to put up walls all around ourselves to keep us "protected" from more holes to fall into, all the while continuing to yell down from our towers that we have be unjustified?
What IF our apologies were more for us than for those we are apologizing too?
What if we were to
"Be Strong Enough to Forgive Without Receiving an Apology"
-Bora Kisongo ?
The more we look our beasts in the eyes and remorsefully apologize for the things we realize we have personally done we begin to be cleared from everything holding us back in the past, freeing us to move forward to new mistakes and challenges that we are now stronger to face, whether we think so or not. If you think "there is NOTHING for me to apologize for", dig deeper where it's the most uncomfortable and you've found it. This takes time. Coming to a realization of things we could have done better means admitting we were wrong in the first place. It means we are at level "vulnerability". It means we are walking out of our tower and into the war and pot holes full of damage. It means staring at a hundred starving and snarling beasts all at once. It means doing the uncomfortable. This is not just easy "band aid" solution, this is a long and terrifying processes. Take it how you can. Remove a stone from your wall. Calm down at least one beast. Do that one thing you think is uncomfortable enough... even if it means looking your parent(s) in the eye and telling them something you never have or never thought you would or never even thought of till now. Apologies are letting go of the past you and are making you strong enough to forgive yourself no matter how the apology is taken.
Slowly we become more courageous.
Slowly we become less aware of what others "owe" us.
Slowly we start looking for that apology less and less.
The more we start looking less for apologies the more we realize that those people we thought judged, hated, scorned, discriminated, and hurt us are just like us. Waiting for an apology is giving more permission to those who caused an offense in our eyes, control of our emotional health and stability. When we let that go we learn to love ourselves where we are at and to love those where they were or are at. We expand our capacity for love. Our empathy outshines it all and we are able to take care of others at no expense of our own. We are able to take of ourselves without completely alienating or segregating ourselves into "us and them".
To take this all a step further, include God. Admittance, acceptance, and apologies are all the best WE can do for ourselves but there are just somethings we can't fix and we need to turn it over to the wisdom and higher power of a God who loves all because he see's all. While we must play the "what if they are just having a bad day?" game with a stranger who cut us off on the freeway; God knows EXACTLY why they cut us off on the freeway. Maybe they were racing to the hospital with hope and fear mixed together that their love one might die only to get there and find out it happened and now they have to tell the rest of their family. We are made to make mistakes and so are the others around us so we could learn and grow into happiness.
I believe the goal is not perfection, but righteousness. Trying to always do the right thing and not stressing out if we goofed up or if others goofed up and apologizing when we DO know we goofed up. Perfectionism is in Christ and through him we can be perfected, one step at a time through our own faith and righteousness.
Love,
Megan
------>Next Blog Post: Failure is Apart of the Plan
