Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 2

*Pre-disclosure: This post was actually written August 2nd but was never posted due to unknown events. The second of three posts was supposed to be an informational update on our progress in the Airforce application process. We didn't hear from them until the beginning of September that they needed a follow up visit with the chiropractor that treated Da Beast after the offending accident that caused a halt in the process in the first place. So we're still at a stand still which I am at peace with. Other thoughts and inspirations, however, have flooded my mind and heart that I have been fighting for awhile and especially the past few weeks. Also we celebrated our 8th anniversary and took a mini family vacation. Lastly, my computer battery was fried thanks to me constantly leaving it plugged in. So here it is, the second part, hopefully in part 3 I can officially give an update on our military journey to the Airforce life.*

  Freedom was never gained taking the easy road. It has never been something that "comes easy". It may start off with ease, it may be surrounded by peace, and it may even have comfort sprinkled throughout the journey but at some point in that journey to freedom, opposition will present itself and it is not only a part of it but a necessary part of it. We cannot fully be grateful and experience our freedom unless we also understand the opposition of it, of ALL things (2 Nephi 2:11).

• Even in Heaven there was a war for our freedom to choose. (Revelation 12: 7-11) )  (Moses 4:1-4)
• Moses had to face his own fears and troubles to obtain the freedom of the people (Major events found in Exodus 2,  Exodus 7 , and Exodus 14) 
• Esther with the help of the people's fasting took bravery and a possibility of sacrifice for a freedom to live. 
• Jesus was born, atoned for our sins, and died for the freedom of every soul beginning as a promise made before the war in heaven and manifested on Earth. (Events found in Matthew 1 , Mark 14, and Luke 23) 
• Captain Moroni wrote a Title of Liberty and led the people through God for freedom for their religion. (Alma 46)
• Mormon fought for belief and hope for the people when they were at war for pride and anger. (Mormon 2)
• Moroni fought society by seclusion for the protection of the records and religion of the people. (Mormon 8) 
• The 13 colonies began the formation of the United States by fighting for independence from England  

...And the list is so much more extensive and on going. And these are just events of opposition for the benefit of the whole of a people. Everyday we face our own personal oppositions and often because of them we feel weak and alone. "Well, if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else; because if it's just you alone, you're not as much of a threat" Luna Lovegood from "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix", by J.K. Rowling. 

Do we flee or fight?

Fighting often gets a bad wrap because of the connotation behind it. When you come from a place of anger, hostility, pride, selfishness, misunderstanding, expectation, and assumption the fight is not fair, just or honorable. As a result in order to avoid a fight and obtain a sense of safety we concede or flee from the confrontation of another. However, if we evaluate the position of the other and what they are feeling as well as our own and come from a place of peace, love, humility, selflessness, flexibility, and openness the fight can be had and overcome. Not every fight mentioned above was done physically. Some were done verbally. Others were done when one half of the fighting party was fighting with God on their side and honorably while the other fought with hostility and lusting after blood. I'll let you figure out who "won" those wars and contentions. 

War and contention will continue, everyday, personally or in many groups and societies until the Prince of Peace comes to tame the land once again. 

Our families journey to fight for freedom not just for our family but also for our country and religion has definitely NOT been the easy road but we have felt this peace as it continues to go forward and I have faith that as the challenges with our decisions become more difficult- because they will- we will continue to be uplifted and guided by God, as long as we continue to draw close to him and happily endure all things. 

Easier said than done, I know. 

"Freedom isn't about what you can get from your country, it's about what you can do for your country" -John F. Kennedy, Inaugural Address.  And let me just add that that goes for everything, not just our country. The more we concentrate on what we can do for others versus what we get out of it, our world will seem a little brighter, bigger, and more lovely. 

Other Resources we are using to promote the feeling of freedom in our home in preparation for our military journey: 

1. Church Resources for Military Members 
2. Come Follow Me Manuals for learning and teaching the gospel at home and supported by the Church. 
3. Scripture Reading and Study 
4. General Conference Talks 
5. Really good "self help" books. 

We've also been looking for advice from others who have recently been in our shoes through various websites and YouTube videos that I've either already shared or will continue to share as we document our journey from here on out! 

XOXO

Megan 

--------------> Next Blog Post: Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 3

Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 1

When I was a young teenager my family took our family vacation to San Diego California after Thanksgiving. We drove up to the Military base campground and checked in by saying my grandfather (on my moms side) was waiting for us. We parked our trailer and met up with my Grandpa and step Grandma before exploring around the base. As far as I can remember this was the first time I had ever been to a military base and I was taking it all in. On our way to the commissary and exchange I had even exclaimed that "maybe when I grow up I'll join the Air force". It just felt right. It felt like "my place". My mom said I wouldn't. She was right.

Da Beast and I got married September 2011. As we got to know each other both before and after that marriage I had learned how fascinating military life had always been to him. He even thought about doing the ROTC (reserve officer training corps) in high school but didn't. He does like to write stories and always includes some type of military lingo, weaponry, uniform, excreta in his character descriptions. As we discussed this interest I had expressed to him that I didn't think I could handle that kind of life: always wondering, always worrying, and being alone. I had just found him and married him for heaven sake and I wasn't going to be without him for one second. (Okay that's an exaggeration but you get the picture.) 

Da Beast has always been interested in technology but was unsure what he wanted to go into exactly and whether or not he could have it as a sustainable career. He looked into becoming a Physical Therapist and a Paramedic after his leg surgery when we were only about 6 months married and ended up moving to a school which was highly rated for the second career option. Soon after we moved we decided that wasn't the career he really wanted and he went back to figuring out what technological job he wanted to have. He tried the community college, we thought maybe we should try a move cross country, we had our first baby, he changed jobs, he changed jobs again to a internet company, he tried BYU pathways, I got pregnant with baby number two, we decided our time where we were currently living was up even though we didn't want to leave, but above all we felt a little lost in direction. The more schooling he tried to get into, the different jobs that he took, and even the location we felt strongly we needed to move to looked like a mess but through it all we were led closer and closer to the destination we were made for. Through all that Dax felt his happiest at the internet job he was apart of and knew he wanted to go into computers and get his certifications but even that took time and money we didn't currently have. We were a little frustrated but kept plugging forward with where we felt like we needed to be. 

We moved. We moved to a place we didn't really want to go at first but felt like it was the place we needed to be so we could spend more time with extended family, especially grandparents. Even the first house we looked at felt like home and where we were supposed to be. We bought our first house and the ward we moved into was the ward we needed in our lives at that time as well. We were just barely into our 5th year of marriage and little did I know the amount of growth and learning I needed to do over the next 2.5 years in our house supported by our special ward. After I got over the largest  emotional, spiritual, and mental hurdles I'd ever faced in my life and things started to pick up again Dax received an email from the Navy offering technology based jobs. Jokingly and knowing the previous military conversation was a "no-go", Da Beast said "hey I could join the Navy". Without actually thinking about it I said "okay" in response. We were both taken by surprise by the seriousness of my tone. As Dax asked me if I was serious I had already began contemplating the seriousness of what I had said and whether I REALLY was okay with it. There was SO much peace around the decision that there was no room for doubt. Da Beast talked to a recruiter online with the Navy and also mentioned the Air force was an option he'd like to consider.  The real question was, would he feel more comfortable on an:

Airplane or Ship?

He said he would feel more comfortable on an Airplane and I had agreed after watching all the training for the Navy. It didn't seem to fit him. Once we started looking more into the Airforce, watching the training videos and even the last name of our recruiter became little signs along the way that this was the direction we were meant to go, no matter how big or little of a challenge it would be for us it was right and we perused on even through the long waits and frustrating obstacles.

May 24th 2018- The first time we met in person with a Airforce recruiter. It was also the same day Da Beast's youngest sister was graduating from highschool. We left our children with Grandma and Grandpa at the pre-graduation dinner and went together to get some of our questions answered. Knowing nothing about the Airforce despite the family members we knew had been in the military in one way or another we thought that once you agreed to be apart of a branch that within a few months you were sent to boot camp. We had learned that not only is it not called "boot camp" but Basic Military Training (BMT) but that the process and paperwork alone would take a bit of time. As of that day we were looking at the end of the year beginning of next.

August 6th 2018- Da Beast had another appointment with his recruiter but this one was different. For all the other appointments that had been made it was for general type of paperwork such as marriage licence, job history, house and living history, medical history, social, etc. It was very similar to just applying for a civilian job (this term was something I'd never really heard of before but it was used in reference to "regular" jobs versus a government based job,) The history requested however was a lot more extensive than just a civilian job. They wanted Da Beast's whole life. They also send you to do your Armed Forces Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) test, which is basically like a career placement or college placement test. They test you in different areas to determine where you are and what careers in the military are available to you based off of your score. After all of this was completed he made this appointment in August to find out when he would attend Military Entrance Processing Station (MEPS) which is an all day event testing out every physical aspect such as eye exam, rectal and reproductive system, and joint and ligament movement through short exercises such as the "duck walk". Those are just a few things they check. Next they go through your medical history with you as well as discuss career and financial aspects of the military branch you are going into. Then you take an oath. Da Beast's appointment was scheduled for the next week but what actually happened is the doctors that oversee the medical part of MEPS requested more in depth information about his medical history.

We were put on a delayed entrance program and everything was on hold until we sent them all they needed to know which they never said all at once. Over the next few months we would send in the medical information we received from past hospital visits and even make other appointments for updated information, send it in, it was accepted and then they would ask for another that needed more review. This happened about 3 or 4 times before Dax was actually scheduled for MEPS. I had the feeling that June would be the time that things would start changing for us.

June 3rd 2019- All of the paperwork was accepted for Da Beast's extensive medical history and today was the appointment where his recruiter briefed him on all things MEPS. The hotel stay the night before with all the military recruits in the state; Meals that were provided; conduct that was acceptable; acceptable dress and appearance; and even suggestions such as don't go swimming or drink soda/alcohol or mention ANY medical issue that had not been reported before attending because it could mess with the process. The date was scheduled for reporting to the hotel on the 10th and MEPS all day on the 11th. The kids and I drove Da Beast out to his hotel and had dinner with him after he checked in and before he had to report for more briefing. We felt in awe that after so many months this was actually happening. We parted ways and the kids and I drove home. The next morning at 6am Da Beast came in through the door. I asked him what had happened and he said that the doctor that had approved his paperwork sent an outdated form to the MEPS office and so he wasn't even let in and instead was sent home. Da Beast conversed with his recruiter who got it fixed and had him rescheduled for the following week.

June 18th-19th 2019- Da Beast drove himself out this time since the kids and I didn't need the car and was gone for half the day this time before returning home... again... frustrated. There was an accident that was missing from his records that Da Beast had brought up because he thought he had told his recruiter about it. Apparently he hadn't or it wasn't noted because they didn't have it on record. It was policy to not let him continue on without a full account of information so they stopped him in the process and sent him home early. Luckily he won't have to go through the whole MEPS evaluation. Once the paperwork for that accident is sent in, reviewed, and approved he'll reschedule and go in pretty much right where he left off.

To be continued...

------------> Next Blog Post: Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt.2
  

How to Care for Others and YOU!

So in my last blog post I included this topic as one of the 5 ways you can look for the lessons in your life. However it was too big of a topic to include everything so it seemed only fitting to give it it's very own post.

First off let me just say that this has been something I've been struggling with myself lately. There are a lot of social media platforms that are flowing with self care ideas, mantras, quotes, and all around advertisement for how important it is to take care of you. I think it's a very real thing for everyone that by taking that "me time" for yourself you preform better, work better, love better, etc. I find it all very moving, especially from social media mental health platforms, and effective. My hang up? Where is the balance? As a mom of two little people it seemed IMPOSSIBLE to take that time to regroup and then mom better. Then I realized that self care was about my perspective. Without kids it was easy for me to manage my emotions and mental stability by going off alone and doing whatever the heck I wanted to do, or go out for that matter! With a husband, two little kids, and all of their inventory I'm now accountable for in my homemaking quest, that seemed to get harder and harder for me because I saw it as an evasion on the quiet contemplation and focused self care.

My original perspective was that in order to take care of me it didn't include them. That perspective was hard for me to accept and I ended up putting them before me because I didn't want to seem selfish and I KNEW that I was responsible for my kids lives; I couldn't just leave them to fend for themselves.

So what did I do? I sat on it. I thought and thought and through a lot of prayer I continue to find tid bits that work for me and that I'm going to be sharing here. However, I know for a FACT I don't understand it all. It's one of the reasons I've postponed this post in the first place. I like to be able to give full answers to questions I or others have. This is not a complete answer. I am still looking for more answers myself, I am still learning myself, and if you go read my last post as I've linked up above this is a life lesson that I will continue to learn about and find answers through those steps.

1.  Draw close to God.It's important to put God first so that we can be inspired with the answers we are looking for. When you follow His direction and commandments "then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." (1 Nephi 20: 6-10 & 18). If you are not religious my first response would be to find God because seriously He is everywhere and I would not have gotten anywhere close to where I am now without His guiding hand in my life. I know he has inspired me, lifted me, and led me to where I can grow the most and the best. These blog posts being one of them. My second response would be to do your best to connect with the land. There is an energy in the Earth that many can FEEL. It's why most self care and self help pins on Pinterest, mental health gurus, and so on and so forth say to get yourself outside. There is a TON of healing power in nature.
2.  Fill your heart with a love for others. If you're like me try and stop thinking that the self care and care of others are separate things and lower your expectations. Learn to have fun while you do work together, learn to think outside of the box and incorporate those you love in the things you do, learn to compromise, learn that what others give of themselves to you is what they are capable of giving in that moment, and learn to see the good. When practicing these things your love for others will continue to grow and you'll be able to see them as delights in your life versus irritants, complications, or out to get you. 
3. Try and walk the path of a disciple of Jesus Christ. One day I woke up feeling like I needed a day for me. That thought left me feeling guilty! How dare I want to take time to myself! Does my husband ever stop working? He comes home from work and then helps at home. Do my kids ever stop being kids and needing help? Needing me? HAHAHAHA! No. The answers no. So who did I think I was to want a day for me? I WANTED the title of mom and I wanted to career of a homemaker. You don't get breaks... or vacation... or privacy... it's in the job description. I had all these thoughts going through my head (and then some) but decided to tell myself that it was okay because it was Just. One. Day. Even better was the fact that I was CHOOSING me, instead of clawing for self care as a last ditch effort for just a smidgen of sanity. You know what happened that day?! I felt pretty amazing ALL DAY and do you want to know the best part? I actually WANTED to get things done and by the end of the day I thought I had "mommied" pretty well. Say what?!? I took care of myself, my little people, AND my husband at the same time without feeling overwhelmed or exhausted?!? Yes... yes I did. How? By following Jesus Christ. That man never seemed like he took a break but as I read the Book of Mormon October-December last year I realized how much Jesus did go off alone and take a break with prayer, fasting, taking a breath or two, contemplating but then the people would come and beg for him to teach them more or to just spend time with him and he'd go on his way with  them. Here was the "AH HA" moment for me: He put his needs first but was okay with being interrupted. That day when I took it for myself I was okay with being interrupted. Interruption has always been hard for me. I like to concentrate, focus, and hone in. That's how I had always done it as an individual. Put your self care first but not at the expense of others. "It may be that your Christlike response to rejection a hardened heart could be softened"- Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf  
4. Share what is in your heart (See: Missionary Work: Sharing What is in Your Heart by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf). This one I feel like is up to a very large array of interpretations because I feel like this looks different to everyone. The important thing is to contemplate what serving others AND yourself means to you and to study the scriptures and to turn to God and you'll find your answer. After that if there are things that are troubling you talk about it, write it out, and/or find help. There is a TON of help out there and even if one rejects their service and talents or you just aren't meshing with one person to receive what you need the good news is that there is someone out there that is meant to say the thing you needed or be there along with you for the ride. As uncomfortable as asking for help might be (hello, I'm Megan and I fear rejection) sharing what is in your heart will help you AND might even help someone else struggling with the same thing but was also too afraid to speak up. I have been finding that by talking about our struggles and personal experiences with another that there is a deep bond and connection that can happen even with two complete strangers.
5. Trust the Lord to work his miracles. Being able to figure out the many ways that my family and myself could be taken care of at the same time boosts my confidence and removes my guilt. Bonus points if we are also working and having fun at the same time!  Trying to do them seperatly caused tension , confusion, and a TON of guilt leading to despair and taking care of no ones needs. Self Care doesn't always look the same. Sometimes it is that quiet and secluded time for just yourself and sometimes it's taking it as it comes and allowing the interruption to happen. Sometimes those moments that may have been an "inconvenience" turns into the very self care moment you were looking for. Sure the kids might have fallen asleep in the care throwing any chance at a real nap out the window not to mention all the things you wanted to get done, but it also presented an opportunity and a choice. I happened to choose to stay in the care while they slept so that they could get some rest and I could take a moment of my self care and say "to heck with dinner and taking showers right now even though they're wet from swimming". It was worth it, even if it wasn't apart of the plan. 

XOXO

Megan
---------------->Next Blog Post: Our Quest of Freedom and Bravery Pt. 1         Pt. 2         Pt.3

5 Ways to Help You Find the Lessons in Life

Unlike the last post I've actually been really excited to write this post, but I wanted it to be as complete as I could make it so I put it off until the very last day of May... which is crazy... how can it already be the middle of the year?!

I was inspired to write about this topic while I've been noticing certain topics in my own life coming up and teaching me and then as I write them on this blog. Then I realized there have been about 5 main contributors that have helped me to notice what I am learning about. Having that outlook of learning "something" has REALLY helped me with feeling anxious or angry about troubling times in my life right now so let's do this:

1. Look at the people around you. There will always be a person that comes your way full of things you need to hear. It may not be right away, they may be learning the same lesson as you, and they may only be in your life for that moment or lesson that you needed to learn but as you really try to listen, understand, and find commonalities with each person you interact with you WILL learn something. You might not even want to hear what they have to say, but be careful of this as that could very well be your life lesson flagging you down. 

"You will find the things you least want to hear can help you grow the most"

-Isha Judd 

     2. Study in the meantime. Sometimes there will be a lengthy bit of time (or at least it will feel                   lengthy) where you feel like a lesson isn't coming or that you're not learning anything and it can             be frustrating (especially once you start recognizing these life lessons). It may be you still have               something to learn from the previous lesson that you thought you were done with and/or you're             not quite ready to let the next lesson in, because let's be real, life lessons aren't all "ah ha"                       moments. They're also uncomfortable and even hard to accept. If you find yourself stuck, try and           look at anything and everything you might be avoiding due to keeping up appearances with                   others, your own ideals and wants, and topics that cause you to feel strong emotions. In most                 there in lies your life lesson. Life lessons aren't there to make you feel better about yourself, at                 first, but to evaluate yourself and help you to be better at feeling. Some ways that I study in the             meantime are to pray, read/listen to scriptures, reading, being aware of the people around me,                   being aware of my own actions and reactions to work on, and being active both physically and             in what I am learning about like writing it down on this blog and in my journals. 

    3. Be "vulnerable".  I put this in quotations because I DON'T mean let everyone and everything              walk all over you. What I DO mean is to be humble, objective or unbiased, and trusting. It's a                harder to learn a subject when you go into a scenario loaded with personal feelings, opinions,                and/or being defensive. It's not impossible but it is harder. My suggestion is to come together in              harmony with you having your own ideas, feelings, opinions AND that you don't know                          everything. This is where other people can become pretty important in life lessons- everyone has            their own journey to make. We all have the same beginning and same ending but how we go                  from our beginning to our physical end all depends on what life lessons you let come into your              life to help you grow and to leave the world a slightly better place than when you arrived. 

   4. Welcome Experiences. Opportunities, events, meetings, or other experiences will be presented to          you throughout your life. If the situation arises and you feel that pull towards it, go for it, no                    matter how scary it might seem. 

"Always go with the choice that scares you the most, 

because that is the one that is going to help you grow"

-Caroline Myss

         I'd like to add that along with going with what scares you the most it's also good to do things you          don't necessarily want to do, because through it you will grow but you may also find what things            are important to you, you just had to work for it. 

   5. Serving yourself and serving others.  First, draw close to God; Second, fill your heart with a love for others; Third, try and walk the path of a disciple of Jesus Christ; Fourth, share what is in your heart; and Fifth, trust the Lord to work His miracles. (See: Missionary Work: Sharing What is in Your Heart by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf). 

"It may be that your Christlike response to rejection a hardened heart could be softened"

- Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf  

It's important to put God first so that we can be inspired with the answers we are looking for. When you follow His direction and commandments "then had thy peace been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." (1 Nephi 20: 6-10 & 18). Something I've been contemplating for a few years is "how can I take care of myself and others at the same time?" I've learned a few tricks and aspects that contributed to the answer to that question over time but never a full answer until recently. I've learned to have fun while we do the work we need to, to think outside the box and incorporate my children into my exercising by thinking of it more as "movement" than "routine", and to take myself on timeouts and breaks when I've needed them. All of these were good ways of "coping" but they still never fixed the separation of "serving others" and "self care" that I had in my mind. For most of my life they have been separate. I take care of me then I take care of you. I zone in on the things I like to do and then I move on. Then I got married and had kids and everything reversed for me. I take care of you then I take care of me. I do everything I have to and then if I have time I'll zone in on what I want to do, because everything I like to do deserves my concentration. I felt unhappy because I didn't know how to do BOTH. If I took care of myself I felt guilty for not taking care of my husband, my children, and my house let alone other people! Through studying the scriptures and putting God first in my life I was able to find the answer that bridged that gap in my mind and allows me to complete the other 4 suggestions that Elder Uchtdorf presented in his general conference talk. The important thing is to contemplate what serving others AND yourself means to you and to study the scriptures and to turn to God and you'll find your answer. Due to the length of this post already I'll write more about the "How to Serve others AND You" in my next post if you're interested in what my answer was! 

Good luck on your journey and I hope these 5 ways will help you learn your purpose as you go! 

XOXO

Megan
---------------->Next Blog Post: How to Care for Others and YOU!

Failure is Apart of the Plan

I've been busy this past month of April with trips, a birthday, and our house was put on the market so there has been a ton of showings coming along; but mostly I believe I've been avoiding writing about this subject. It was something I thought I had learned a few months ago and just haven't figured out what the new lesson was yet, but that wasn't the case.

I am currently still learning (and will learn more about in the future I'm sure) how to fail.

In fact this years "motto" for myself is "Success isn't made without mistakes".

I have always been a perfectionist border-lining OCD  which makes failure extremely personal. Failure is challenging for everyone. Failure is something most (if not a great percentage) of the worlds population tries to avoid, including myself. I've been known to go out of my way to avoid situations I THINK might happen. I sit and agonize over the many possible situations before entering and many times missing my opportunity all together because I wrestled with what to say or do.

...Sometimes I don't even try...

There are a ton of quotes out there that talk about how "The only Failure is Not Trying," (Robin S. Sharma). So what's stopping us from enveloping failure? Fear plays a big role in not accepting our own failures.

But Failure IS apart of the plan!

We came here as spirits to be tested using the temptations and limitations of the body. Building a reliance on God and having faith in His plan can redirect us in all the challenge, confusion, sorrow, and especially failure of life.  A lot of times we turn to people, especially those close to us, with our problems wanting them to fix it or to tell us the direction we should go. Sometimes ,even ,we might see someone who appears to "know it all" and just go with what they say because it makes sense or is easier. While these people can be good advisers and God does influence us through others, our first plan of action would be to ask our Father in Heaven so that he can set us in the right path. This has been happening to me a lot lately but isn't new. I've gone through my life rarely making decisions for myself based off of fear of failure and/or what others have said. Don't get me wrong: I've had a pretty good life, albeit challenging like everyone else's, but I've been led to where I've needed to go and I'm okay with that. Sometimes I'll even wait for someone else to have come to the same decision I have to KNOW it's the right direction to go before heading that way because two is better than one, right? My point is, is that as great, kind, and intelligent as those around us may be (and it's important to have those people in our lives because they keep us from making really bad decisions) it is of even greater benefit to be constantly tuning into God, constantly aligning our will with His because HE KNOWS ALL.

During these past few months I've been actually holding strong, having hope and faith, continuing to move forward with as upbeat attitude as I can muster because of my relationship with Heavenly Father I've been fostering over the past few years. I KNOW he is taking care of my family and I and we WILL be where we need to be when this trial and challenge is complete. My core knowledge is strong but my outer influence has left me wavering on choices, questioning answers received, and all around dejected. As uncomfortable and difficult as lessons in failure may be the question is, "Where do you go from here?" Take it out on your family? Blame and shame others? Quit?

NO! You continue to pray. You continue to fight, not against anyone, but against your doubts. You continue to pray that you will be aligned with Him who knows all and sees all because you can't and you can't do it alone. You "Try, Try, Try," (by President Henry B Erying)  "The world and your life can seem to you to be in increasing commotion. My reassurance is this: the loving God who allowed these tests for you also designed a sure way to pass through them". "With God Nothing Shall be Impossible" (by President Russell M. Nelson) " You may be momentarily disheartened, remember, life is not meant to be easy. Trials must be borne and grief endured along the way. As you remember that 'with God nothing shall be impossible' (Luke 1:37), know that He is your father. You are a son or daughter created in His image, entitled through your worthiness to receive revelation to help with your righteous endeavors. You may take upon you the holy name of the Lord. You can qualify to speak in the sacred name of God (see D&C 1:20).

"Wilt Thou be Made Whole?" (by Elder Matthew L. Carpenter) "Our Heavenly Father is all-knowing. He knows our physical struggles. He is aware of our physical pains due to illness, disease, aging, accidents, or birth disorders. He is aware of emotional struggles associated with anxiety, loneliness, depression, or mental illness. He knows each person who has suffered injustice or has been abused. He knows our weaknesses and the propensities and temptations we struggle with. During mortality we are tested to see if we will choose good over evil... Through His ministry, Christ taught that He had power over the physical body. We cannot control the timing  of when Christ's healing of our physical ailments will occur. Healing occurs according to His will and wisdom. In the scriptures some suffered decades; others, their entire mortal lives. Mortal infirmities can refine us and deepen out reliance upon God. But when we allow Christ to be involved, He will always strengthen us spiritually so we can have greater capacity to endure our burdens." 

Sure there have been things in these past few months that has been anything BUT perfect, that I've been tested with, that I've avoided, that have hurt me but I've also learned that I'm stronger than I think I am and that my Heavenly Father wants me nearer to Him so that I can witness all the good He is doing for me and so that I can go forth doing good for others. If you're having a hard time like me, I just want you to know you're not alone and if you have the time click the links above and read the talks because they have helped me to have the hope and faith that I'm clinging onto right now by the smallest thread.

I will not have all the answers but I hope that I can direct you to the One who does.
❤
Megan
---------------->Next Blog Post: 5 Ways to help You find the Lessons in Life 

A Capacity for Love

We have all made mistakes and will continue to all make mistakes; sometimes the exact same ones. It feels like the moment I pull myself out of one hole I immediately fall into another one right next to it, and I know I'm not the only one.

Each one of us has this amazing and unique story. We may find others with extremely similar stories that draw us closer together. We may also find others that bother, frustrate, or make us believe that they are NOTHING like us and all they do is judge us for who we are. In Alma 5:18 it talks about having a remembrance of the defiance against God and his commandments. Even if you don't believe in God or are struggling with your belief in God your inner being still has those things that you remember that churn your stomach or make your chest ache and squeeze tight. Your anxiety swells; your depression tells you not to get out of bed in fear of making your yesterday, your today; and you're avoidance kicks in with justifications, busy work, anger, substances, and a slew of other activities to keep you from looking your beast straight in the eyes and clear your conscious the right and permanent way.

This "right and permanent way" looks a little different to everyone, because like I've shared in the previous paragraph, each of us has this amazing and unique story, even with those who share similar stories to ours they are slightly different, and even those we think are NOTHING like us or judge us they are more like us than we know. I know this because we have all made mistakes. We are all hurting over something or many somethings. What if we treated everyone as if they were in serious trouble? What if we were able to take care of others AND ourselves at the same time versus attempting to put up walls all around ourselves to keep us "protected" from more holes to fall into, all the while continuing to yell down from our towers that we have be unjustified?

What IF our apologies were more for us than for those we are apologizing too?
What if we were to

"Be Strong Enough to Forgive Without Receiving an Apology"

-Bora Kisongo  ?

The more we look our beasts in the eyes and remorsefully apologize for the things we realize we have personally done we begin to be cleared from everything holding us back in the past, freeing us to move forward to new mistakes and challenges that we are now stronger to face, whether we think so or not. If you think "there is NOTHING for me to apologize for", dig deeper where it's the most uncomfortable and you've found it. This takes time. Coming to a realization of things we could have done better means admitting we were wrong in the first place. It means we are at level "vulnerability". It means we are walking out of our tower and into the war and pot holes full of damage. It means staring at a hundred starving and snarling beasts all at once. It means doing the uncomfortable. This is not just easy "band aid" solution, this is a long and terrifying processes. Take it how you can. Remove a stone from your wall. Calm down at least one beast. Do that one thing you think is uncomfortable enough... even if it means looking your parent(s) in the eye and telling them something you never have or never thought you would or never even thought of till now. Apologies are letting go of the past you and are making you strong enough to forgive yourself no matter how the apology is taken. 

Slowly we become more courageous. 

Slowly we become less aware of what others "owe" us. 

Slowly we start looking for that apology less and less. 

The more we start looking less for apologies the more we realize that those people we thought judged, hated, scorned, discriminated, and hurt us are just like us. Waiting for an apology is giving more permission to those who caused an offense in our eyes, control of our emotional health and stability. When we let that go we learn to love ourselves where we are at and to love those where they were or are at. We expand our capacity for love. Our empathy outshines it all and we are able to take care of others at no expense of our own. We are able to take of ourselves without completely alienating or segregating ourselves into "us and them". 

To take this all a step further, include God. Admittance, acceptance, and apologies are all the best WE can do for ourselves but there are just somethings we can't fix and we need to turn it over to the wisdom and higher power of a God who loves all because he see's all. While we must play the "what if they are just having a bad day?" game with a stranger who cut us off on the freeway; God knows EXACTLY why they cut us off on the freeway. Maybe they were racing to the hospital with hope and fear mixed together that their love one might die only to get there and find out it happened and now they have to tell the rest of their family. We are made to make mistakes and so are the others around us so we could learn and grow into happiness. 

I believe the goal is not perfection, but righteousness. Trying to always do the right thing and not stressing out if we goofed up or if others goofed up and apologizing when we DO know we goofed up. Perfectionism is in Christ and through him we can be perfected, one step at a time through our own faith and righteousness.  

Love,

Megan 

------>Next Blog Post: Failure is Apart of the Plan 

Finding Friends

Finding good friends has probably been one of the things I've always sought for in life.

I didn't want to be alone. 

When I was a kid I didn't hold a lot of self worth or confidence. I was insecure and thought that if I was friends with the popular girl in 1st grade, I'd have it made. I'd be set. 

Yes, this started young for me. 

I had thought that by searching and selecting certain individuals was how not to be alone and would give me that self worth or confidence. Here is what actually happened (not verbatim) :

"Hey can I hang out with you at recess?" I asked 

"Uh...I guess so," Popular girl answered, and I was stoked! Finally I wouldn't be alone talking to the sun or sitting at the swings by myself. Popular girl, her friends and I walked out to recess together and just stood around on the slab of cement looking super cool, of course. It was winter so I had dressed in a under-tank and a long sleeve shirt, but standing in that sun was making me hot. I told all the new friends that I had made that I was feeling warm. I mentioned that I did have an undershirt (noting that they were wearing tank tops) and that I was really getting hot. 

"Take off your shirt then!" Popular girl had said a bit impatiently. 

So I did. I felt better until a teacher came up to me and asked me to put my shirt back on. 

My new friends curled into themselves and laughed... at me. 

At this time I did only what I could think of as a first grader, at that time, which was to put my shirt back on and run away with their laughter still echoing in my head. I spent the rest of my recess's wishing I had an imaginary friend but I couldn't conjure up one so I talked to whatever I could, tried to join "clubs", tried to make up my own "club", told everyone at recess that I thought was "cool" but none of it worked. 

Then I met Tylene. She was someone I wasn't randomly picking but someone who came. Since I didn't understand how friendship really worked at the time it wasn't what I was looking for, but you know what she did? She stuck around. We would have play dates that I wouldn't admit I actually enjoyed and looked forward too and at times I'd try and push her away and be mean. It's not something I care to share because I feel horrible about how I treated her and I know that no matter how many times I apologize and try to make up for it, it was still our past. She still stuck around. We have been friends for 20 years and I'm still amazed that she is my best friend. She taught me that true self worth is being okay being you and that friendship isn't just something that snaps into place all of a sudden and you're never going to be alone ever again but that you have to work at it, even if it gets uncomfortable and the other (me) was a jerk. 

As I grew older I still didn't have an understanding of good and healthy relationships. I thought I needed to have a boyfriend and I still pursued friends that I clicked really well with off of the bat. In middle school I had a friend that was quiet and shy but when I met someone I clicked with and things were going good for me, I told her we couldn't be friends anymore that she wasn't "cool" enough. This crushed her and she left. She is still someone I need to apologize too, because that was an awful thing to do and it makes me sick that I was that way. Wouldn't you know, my friendship with the girl I clicked with right away blew up in a big way. I was upset that these girls were "making fun of me" (I put that in quotes because looking back I don't think that they were) so I switched schools, then my friend started hanging out with those girls, I didn't like it, then gave my friend opportunities to choose me over them, she chose them (or forgot was more likely), and so I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore. A few years later we reconciled but never became friends again. 

At this point you might be thinking "why would anyone want to be your friend you jerk" and you wouldn't be wrong. I thought the same thing for a long good while. Tylene was still my friend (amazingly enough) but had moved to a different town. Luckily we still talked a lot and when we did visit each other we tried to make the most out of our time with our shenanigans. (There may or may not be a Megan and Tylene Show somewhere on tape that we wanted to put on YouTube but never did.) I think this was the time when I really began to evaluate myself and what my addition was to relationships. My relationships so far weren't working as I expected and instead of the self worth and confidence that I was looking for from other people, I got LESS self worth and LESS confidence. 

 I began to work on myself. 

Only a few years of working on my own thoughts and actions I met my friend Patrica. We were in a institute class together and got along pretty well. We were classroom buddies but didn't see much of each other outside of our class, our class ended, and then I got married to my husband. Later we began to really bond but just before that I met my friend Katherine. 

Katherine and her husband were visiting from where they had met at college because they were planning to move to where my hubby and I currently were living. When we had met I found out that her husband had known mine since the pre-teen era of their childhoods. At this time I was starting to grow some confidence and self worth because I had met and married my husband, we were setting goals for ourselves, we had already jumped through some hurdles and he was my best friend. However, I also found myself not even trying to make friends with any females. I had my husband and that was good enough more me... or at least that's what I tried to tell myself. Katherine and her husband had invited us to do family home evening with them one Monday evening. I had recently found out I was pregnant with my first, which threw in a whole new slur of emotions but the strongest of them that I was feeling as we drove to their apartment was nerves. Even after a great conversation I still doubted everything I said, but we kept getting together. Katherine had taught me that friendships are more than just first impressions and isn't one way. The more I got to know her and observe her other friendships the more I learned that relationships are not just one at at time but a unity and love for everyone. 

Some of her other relationships just happened to be with my friend Tylene who had moved near by and my friend Patrica who also lived close. We began to weave our friendships together into this group of women that I am insanely grateful for. We were all married and all soon very pregnant and about to have a first born's close together. Even though I was now making friends I STILL didn't understand how it all worked. I got jealous and over protective of the relationships I deemed stronger than the others. It was very competitive for me and internally I struggled to do the right thing and was afraid I was going to end up friendless again and again forever. 

As we were compelled to move to another city away from this group of Gals that had grown together through babies and now second pregnancies it was brought to my husband and my attention from Patrica's husband that we seemed to favor certain couples over others. This stung because it was true, but because of the time and tentative care from these three women I learned just what it means to be a friend. Patrica taught me that friends are everywhere if you're just willing to look. So I evaluated my life, studied my friendships, and took the church efforts of Visiting Teaching (now ministering, you can read my intake of that if you click here) and made a huge leap in the friendship department by working on how to be a true friend to everyone I meet. 

I still don't know everything there is to know about friends (I've even looked up the many blog posts there are out there about how to make friends, there's some good information if you're curious), but from what I've learned from my group of Gal's and other budding relationships is that friends are literally everywhere you just have to be keen on looking for things you have in common verses what makes you different which can be hard sometimes; it's okay to have more than one REALLY GOOD friend at a time; and to give budding friendships (including those you've only met once) lot's of time to grow. Everyone was just one person before they made a friend. I would advise to do as my friends have done for me and as I'm trying to do from their examples to not rely on first impressions. You only get a sliver of their life up until they met you and there is SO much more to love about them that you'd never have known if you just give up. Along with all that, is to forgive and try to see things from where they are coming from by asking questions. Lastly, work on you. Not in the defensive "take me or leave me" sense but on the idea of curiosity, patience and acceptance of all that you are apart of whether that be the good or bad, and apologize when you realize it's the bad. 

I'll be writing about apologies next: "are they really for those you apologize to or for yourself?" 

Happy Valentines Day! 

Now, go make a new friend! ;) 

XOXO

-Megan 

Highlighting 2018

Hello to all my avid readers! The year of 2018 has come and gone and so has the month of January 2019.

2019 Resolutions 

(If you wish to skip this part for the actual highlights of the year just scroll down a couple of paragraphs and you'll see.) 

So, heres the deal: I didn't really have a goal to write a certain amount in my blog, or really ANY "resolutions" for the new year pertaining to this blog. My husband and I made goals such as having purposeful savings,  continuing our plans to visit family every 3-4 months, read more, date more, move more (in replacement of specific exercises), finish minor remodeling to our house, sell our house, move, complete challenges (our own or issued by others) to promote self help, more gospel study, putting God first more, spend more time with friends, etc. Most of our resolutions you've probably heard before, seen before, or even done before so I'm not going to spend my whole time writing about those things. What I am going to write about is how as this month has progressed and I've reviewed the last half of 2018 (August-December) I've noticed a few things, a few things I should write about.

I've noticed that while I may not have many readers, as of right now, the few that have read certain blog posts (thank you family) bring up certain blogs that meant something to them. This humbles me for the simple reason being that these blog posts were written mostly for myself with the availability open to the public in case my thoughts and experiences needed to reach someone today; so the fact that they mean something to someone else as much as they mean to me is amazing, and also great conversation pieces. That led me to thinking that regardless of how many people read these posts I should try and compile a goal to work towards. I'm not going to tell you what that goal is, but hopefully by the end of this year you'll catch on to the pattern and if I was successful.

Now into the true purpose of this blog post: 

The 5 Blog Highlights of 2018

I may have mentioned a few times (maybe I didn't) that I've caught on to certain lessons from the past 6 months that I've needed to learn and that was what compiled my blog post. I would find a topic that would excite my soul with wonder and/ or dread, I'd have opportunities to experience learning and growing within that topic, and then when I would feel the closure of what I had applied to my life from these life lessons and write them all down in one blog post. Typically it seemed that these lessons would come every few months and last until the next lesson appeared. While at the end of last year and the beginning of this year I felt that I had finished my previous lesson, no new lesson appeared. At times this would frustrate me and left me feeling disappointed. Had I not completely learned that lesson?

While new topic had appeared to me to learn (or I was too oblivious to catch on), the lessons that I had learned the past few months kept cycling through--almost like at school when they test you on everything you've learned the past semester or year. As I continued to study my life and the gospel of Jesus Christ  I've continued to learn more about these 5 things:  

1. Gratitude . I learned this back in April of last year but then it resurfaced in an even more profound manner in, you guessed it, November. This beautiful soul of a human being whom I found on Instagram was doing a 21 day Gratitude challenge that would arrive in your email inbox everyday of the month of November. I caught on late and ended up not being able to do it in November but I DID complete in in December and the way she puts things and helps you think puts gratitude in a whole new light. 
2. Agency and Accountability . This lesson was in May when I realized all the things I hold on to, and I'm not talking about physically (although this particular blog post also has physical evidence) but mentally. I also learned it again only a few weeks ago as I began the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints new program "Come Follow Me" as well as from another amazing individual  whom I found through the I am Mom summit. I started following her on Instagram and she has been so helpful with mental clarity. There was a recent post she wrote on Linktree that I enjoyed reading which you can check out here; she says "Let yourself simultaneously accept what cannot be, grieve what may never be, and face what is possible." 
3. Simplicity . I learned this lesson in June about living each moment and then again a few weeks ago when I stumbled upon Minimal Mom's Youtube Channel . It was actually a video about simplifying meal planning but there was one part that I liked when she talked about how what ever you bring into your house soon becomes inventory you have to take care of. She has more helpful videos on making life a little simpler, which, lets be honest is what all moms desire in some fashion. We not only have our inventory but our husband, kids, etc to take care of and that can be exhausting and overwhelming. 
4. Friendship.  I wrote a blog post in August about my knew understanding and knowledge of what ministering to others is all about: being a friend. I'll be writing another blog post about the friends in my life that also helped to shape my idea of what friends are in the next month so stay tuned! 
5. Fear. This one was a big one that I learned and took awhile for me to really grasp it. This is an on going lesson seeing as there are things everyday that we have to overcome. There is a rocking lady on Instagram who, with her sister, have a profile called "Strong Fit Mama's". They are a powerhouse of fighting back and excellent role models for not only Mama's but anyone needing someone to relate with. I seriously love them.  If you literally want to kick fear in the butt go check them out and for a more gospel related message go check out Elder Rasbands talk entitled "Be Not Troubled". 

I am so thankful for all the lessons and people God has put into my life to fulfill it, give it depth and meaning, and to grow me into a better and stronger me. Heres to a whole new year of meaningful lessons and lot's of exciting new beginnings. 

-Megan