First off I want to put a little disclaimer: this topic is heavy. It hits those sensitive spots; even if you think you're ready to face your fears you never really know until it's all splayed out in front of you. The key that I have learned through all of it is: it's not really a matter of the fear at all. It's how you respond to it. If anything I write triggers you, I suggest you take a step back and read this later, because, like I mentioned in a previous blog post: it just might not be the right time. And that's okay. Because some fears need to be treated slowly and in fragments.
Fear plays a giant role in our lives. In general I think we don't understand fully how much it dictates our decision making skills, choices, and even emotional responses to situations. According to Psychology Today our fears were important for life or death situations many years ago, but now our brains react to more low key situations in the same manner (generally speaking, there are those cases where intense trauma causes high fears for very logical reasons). Our fears are what keep us alive but they can also prevent us from going after those dreams and ambitions that seem too daunting, or even to face challenges that will help us grow and experience life, and THAT is what I mostly want to focus on.
If you have been following my blog posts AT ALL you will know that part of why I write the very minimal blog posts that I do is to help cope with my own anxiety. I have turned MY anxiety into a series of lessons I personally need to learn, and challenges I need to conquer. These are my personal experiences. Facing ones fears is a difficult thing to teach another person because we all have our own challenges to face and lessons to learn. My hope is that by writing my own down I will be able to see my own progress and hopefully help someone else out there struggling as well. Also, another side note is just because I have "learned" these lessons does not mean I have "mastered" these lessons. THAT will take even more time.
This has been the biggest lesson I have learned up to date and I keep feeling like I need to "write it all down" because I have conquered a few dooseys and may not remember it all. Well I don't remember it all and I didn't write it all down because I felt like I still had a lot to learn. The truth of the matter is I probably still do. I believe that our lives are, for their entirety, to do this very thing: Overcoming our fears. Overcoming fear does not mean we don't ever fear, just that we don't let it control us, we control IT and use it as a tool to push us past each fear as it comes along. Even if it is the same fear, wearing different jackets. Each fear we move past, each obstacle we launch over (even if it's not gracefully, because, in all honesty it takes a TON of practice to greet fears gracefully, which is the goal here).
A few ways I express/ run away from fear are:
1. Divulge in electronic devices, especially socially media or movies/shows. Focusing on other peoples drama or problems or even happiness helps me avoid my own. While this can also be seen as a positive it is the source that is the issue. A few times I have learned that serving others helps me to get out of my own head and even figure out my own struggles. If I turn to electronic devices these "moments" of other's lives are fragmented, polished, or extra dramatized. If I turn to my spouse, my brother, my sister, my mother, my father, or friend and find what they need (even if it's a service as small as answering my phone when they call) I find peace and a deeper commitment to keep on going. Even turning to my kids (which is most of the time why I feel the need to "escape") I find what they need, what I need, and we form a deeper bond. This hasn't been always easy, and honestly some of what I learned was from observing my husband struggle with my son and then I was baffled when my son clung to him instead of me. It was because my husband and son worked together to reach a ground of calm alliance so that they could work through the troubles and fears and get to the deeper bond and commitment. What you put your time into, no matter how difficult, is what you will gain back.
2. Get anxious and angry. This one is something I have to observe in myself everyday. It is very easy for me to feel flustered, annoyed, inadequate, and panicked. In the moment I don't always know how to steer a situation to a more positive and common ground. When I keep trying different ways to do something and nothing seems to work it gets discouraging and I can easily get heated up. Taking a few minutes to myself where I breath and clear my head is handy in these situations. This does not mean filling up my head with scenes from movies or shows or photos from someone else's life which is what I tend to do most of the time. This means changing the situation or scenery, reading scriptures, or even simply walking away (even if it looks more like stomping and grumping with a few slammed doors).
3. Victimize/ feeling my worth is measured by another person. This one I feel is the most damaging for myself personally because I feel deep down this is what causes all of the other reactions to fear that I have. If I put my self worth in another person I tend to get stuck there and don't progress anywhere. This is where my "key" I mentioned at the beginning of this post really comes into play. The way you react/ the decisions you make based off another's choices really makes or breaks a person, in my opinion. This is also the most sensitive of all the subject matter I've just used because it's hard to just "let things go" and to go forward with a positive attitude when you want justice or revenge, when you feel it's the other persons fault, or that you know all. Loving a person that feels anger, jealousy, hate, or even just a little hard feelings towards you is a large challenge to face. Especially when that person is someone who has been a big influence in your life. It rocks your judgement, decision making, self worth, and confidence. BUT, if you can love them despite all of that, want what's best for them, and continue to prove to yourself and others that they have no reason to feel/ think that way (whether they do or not is actually harming or freeing themselves based on their reaction choices). Letting go of resentment and judgement and going forward with love and a knowledge that harboring all those negative feelings only hurts you and makes you more unhappy, means you conquered another fear. There's a quote from the movie "Rigaletto" that Bonnie gives that says "A hurt for a hurt never helped anybody". Going with that similar logic into situations where I want to "get back at somebody" helps to remind me that if I say what I feel would "justify" me or "defend me" it won't make anything better. I need to live it, give no reasons for what they say, feel, or do to be even remotely true. If there's a problem, come with a solution not a complaint. I feel like that's a quote from another movie. Working on "yourself" doesn't have to look selfish. In fact, I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's healthy to have others in your life to work a long side and practice rewiring thoughts of your self worth into positive reactions for hopefully everyone. And if it doesn't happen for everyone involved don't give up on loving them. Don't give up on wanting whats best for them. Don't give up, because the moment you let those hurt feelings choose for you how you react or the decisions you make, you're stuck again.
Moral of the story is you are amazing. You may be afraid but as long as you keep working on you by not just accepting challenges but looking for the lesson in every challenge, desiring to be a better you without hurting others but loving them so they can come with you on your journey, and focusing on your actions and reactions to every situation YOU WILL GET PAST IT!
And you'll be free to be fearless.
Well...sort of. ;)
-Megan
