Off We Go

 Well it's here, it's happening, and I hardly believe it: Da Beast is heading off to Airforce BMT. But before we get to that...

September was a full month. Full of love, full of adventure, full of family, full of tears, full of gratitude and full of memories. It's the month Da Beast and I started off by driving back the the beginning of our marriage: our honeymoon in San Diego, California. We spent 4 days with my brother, his wife, and her family... 

being pampered,

boogie boarding in the ocean, 

seeing Balboa park, 

seeing Old town San Diego, and playing board and card games!

We then said our goodbyes...

and went straight to our Kayak tour in La Jolla and then checked into our Air BNB rental which was located on Lamont street and Garnet off of a street called Hornblend in Pacific Beach which was right down the street from The Plaza Condominiums that we stayed in for our honeymoon!

The Entrance to The Plaza Condominiums

 It was so interesting to be back nine years later. It was as if no time had really passed and then looking back

(as we ate breakfast at Bruggers bagels just as we had on our honeymoon) we had accomplished so many things in those nine years. We've grown up together (and if you ask me Da Beast is even more handsome now than he was then), we've gotten through leg surgery, death of family members, having our own children, buying and selling our first house, anxiety, communication difficulties, night shifts, personal struggles and misunderstanding, and probably more that I can't think of at the moment. Looking back on all of that and seeing how proud I was of where we are now and the direction we are going made this anniversary very special for us. And if you know anything about us nine has always been our number...it has shown up on it's own so many times and we've made things extra special when it's the ninth in a month, time or place. Needless to say this is our "real" golden anniversary. Ha ha! After breakfast and a little grocery shopping at vons we spent the rest of our anniversary in our Airbnb watching the t.v. series: Reign and eating Annie Chuns microwave noodles which were very similar to the noodles we would get all.the.time when we were first married. In fact this whole anniversary experience was taking all the old experiences that can't ever be or needs to be recreated exactly and pairing it with the new and fresh perspective of two people that have really lived. 

We ended our anniversary trip with a stop to down town Disney. On our honeymoon we actually went to Disneyland for I think 3 days, but due to the changes not only in our own lives but in the entire world we were happy to just snap a picture in front of Disneyland, walk through World of Disney, buy treats in Marcelines and beignets from Jazz kitchen and call it good! We then drove home and greeted our lovely children and spent the rest of the month swimming, dentist appointments, Da Beast was trying to take tests for COMPTIA certifications (such as the A+ and Networking) but it was not meant to be, we had lots of family dinners, went to church and that brings me right back around to now: our Military life is just beginning. We are at the precipice of mighty and great change which is both terrifying (as steep rock cliffs would be in real life and not just as an analogy) but also a vision of magnified beauty and excitement. 

On September 18th, Da Beast had his last meeting with his recruiter, Staff Sargent Mason. They made a finalized contract, talked about good running shoes, discussed any questions, talked about going back to MEPS and taking his official oath which was available to view on a Facebook page, and then finally an up in the air announcement that he might not go to Mississippi for Basic Military Training but instead Texas due to a hurricane and flooding in Mississippi. Our journey so far in the Military as been anything but predictable and I wouldn't ever expect it to be anything different once we're officially in it, which as of this morning is really happening. Have I mentioned that already because I still can't believe it! 

On September 19th, Da Beast's grandma opened her home to many and mostly family members for a Military Send Off party where we ate good food, visited, and in the end Da Beast expressed his motivation for entering into the Air Force (below image). It's been a good celebratory last week and for those of you who are wondering: I am sad but also excited and at peace. I've learned these past two months that it is very possible to feel seemingly opposing emotions at the same time and that doesn't mean that one overpowers the other or diminishes it, it just means there is so much more depth- the emotions encompassing and living together harmoniously if allowed. So while I may be crying, while I know I will not have it easy, while I know there is a new transition period and many more to come, while I know this is for our good and extended growth, I also know that this is our calling, that this is our opportunity, that this is our adventure, and that I'm at peace.

"Thank you everybody for coming out and support me and my family as we've made our decision to join the Air Force and I just wanted to share a couple of things I've had on my mind lately. One of the questions I've been asked a lot when I was working or by family is: if I'm ready to do this. I think I've prepared as much as I could. 

When we moved to Flagstaff when I was little within the first little while I met my friend Matt and his two friends Nick and Alex and almost immediately they became my brothers. They became three men, or boys at the time, that I feel like I would do anything for as we grew up together. As we've grown up, even though we've not always grown up in the same area all at once we've managed to stay pretty close and I realized very quickly that it was camaraderie that I needed in my life. So, when I served my mission I felt the same way with some of the companions that I had and I was so grateful for the connection that I had with some of those men. And then when I got back and I got married, I realized that the job that I had I wanted it to be the same way. I wanted the camaraderie, the brotherhood in my life. 

I've always had an interest in the military, it's kind of been woven into my interests and not necessarily my upbringing but my history. My grandpa Gilliland was a Marine, my Uncle Cory was in the Army, my grandpa Mason was in the Air Force, and I remember a trip up to Flagstaff, Matt and I were driving up there and I remember expressing to him, the first person I ever told, that I wanted to be in the Military. I didn't know what I wanted to do, I didn't know what branch, but I told him that's what I wanted to do. At the time I wasn't sure if that was going to happen. 

Then when I had my leg surgery and it became more of a possibility, I remember bringing it up to Megan when we were first married and it wasn't something she felt entirely comfortable with because we were just newlywed and I didn't really know what I wanted to do and so I kind of put it on the back burner a little bit. And then a couple of years ago, I was looking for another change in employment and I got an email from the Navy asking about my interest in doing IT for the Navy, which I accredit to google spying on us, because there was no way that they knew I was doing research into becoming an IT technician in general. So I asked Megan about it and she knew that I was kind of struggling in finding my "fit" and finding what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and so I talked to her about it and she surprisingly said "yeah, let's go for it. Let's look into it. Lets see. You've tried a number of different things that haven't really worked, let's see what this has to offer." So I chatted with a Navy recruiter and I submitted my information and they never got back to me bu the Airforce did. So I met with my recruiter, Megan and I went together, and we talked to Staff Sargent Mason and everything I learned from him I knew it was going to be a fit. I knew that's where I belonged. I'm sure during basic training I won't feel that way but I do know that's where I belong. 

I know that this camaraderie, a brotherhood, of individuals who have my back no matter what is where I belong. 

The second thing I wanted to share that has been on my mind is patriotism. I desire so strongly to be a patriot. I know that our country is not perfect but it strives to do the best that it can. It is made up of imperfect people, of course, but what it stands for is the greatest thing on Earth. There is no other country that is more free than the United States of America. I want to be apart of that, I want to defend the opinions of others even if its one hundred percent against what I believe but I want to defend the rights of those individuals to believe that. 

I was thinking about the movie, the National Treasure, when Benjamin Gates is talking to Abigail Chase what the founding fathers did in the face of what they accomplished and the risks that they were taking and as he was talking about the Declaration of Independence he's looking in her eyes while they raise their champagne glasses and says, "to those who did what was considered wrong for what they knew what was right". They put their lives and everything that they had in the idea of America, for making it for what it is today, and establishing our Constitution, our Bill of Rights, and everything that we stand for around the world. We're a relatively young nation and yet we're what everyone looks to. I'm so proud to be apart of that. 

Thank you again for supporting me, I love all of you, and thank you so much for being here for me." 

[Edited Transcription of Military Send off Speech]

          

September 21st was our last day seeing Da Beast. We started the day by waking up early together to watch the sun rise. I felt as if it was  moving the kids beds and things into my room, cleaning and storing other items, and donating the items no longer wanted. After that we drove to the Sheraton Hotel where he will stay the night before he heads off to MEPS for the last time to do an updated medical check up and where he will take his official oath. What I thought was only to be a 20 minute check in, to the hotel and with the Airforce personnel there, ended up being slightly over an hour and I took a 20 minute off and on nap in the car while the kids watched videos on my phone. When he was finished we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and then took a drive back to the hotel that felt long and short at the same time. My tears started as we pulled out of the restaurant parking lot and continued to increase the closer we got to the hotel because I knew this was it for awhile and I couldn't help but feel sad. 

When Bubba saw me crying he began crying too. Baby didn't catch on until Da Beast was actually leaving and by then it was all out melt downs. Just when I thought I gained some composure and strength the kids were saying things like "why did you choose this?" and "I don't want to leave dada!" and "I have to go potty! I have to go into the hotel to go potty"...and the tears continued to pour out. We eventually we had to just  go and driving away was hard but I felt confident and at peace. On the way home the kids and I talked about how it's good that we are sad, it means that we care about and love daddy very much, how we can use our time to collect stories to tell daddy, how we can still write him and draw him pictures, how we plan on visiting him, and all the other things that are good about this too, even if it's also sad. Bubba even said he was excited to sleep in the same room like a sleepover and that he would be my "biggest helper" he would do all his chores, help with Faye, and he listed many more things that he would do to help me while "daddy is gone". When we got home we went to the bathroom, brushed our teeth, watched a video from Da Beast (he made enough till the end of his Basic Training so that we could "see" him since communication is limited in BMT), turned on some music, talked a little bit more and then the kids fell asleep. As I la there I was thinking about this adjustment period we'll all be going through, how we will maintain a "new normal" without Da Beast and I thought about how wrong that felt. I don't want to create a "normal" without him, I don't want to do things without him, I don't want to move on from the now and right now I don't have too but eventually we will naturally do so but it won't be "without him", he will not be here physically but he will still be apart of everything we do and one of the exciting parts of this journey is all the stories we will have to tell to each other and to others most of which I will probably be posting on this blog.

September 22nd is his Air Force ship date! I woke up early with puffy eyelids and shortly after Bubba was awake and in distress for having wet his bed. I just led him to the bathroom to take a shower and he asked "you're not mad at me?" to which I replied "no, honey. It's alright. Let's just get you into the shower and washed off." I was proud of how far I've come in maintaining my calm through these situations, for training myself that him knowing that accidents happen is alright, because I haven't always reacted this way. I also knew that I was not doing this alone. I feel like I should be a mess, a disaster, a ball of emotion and stress bouncing all over the place but that was who I was, not who I am now and I know Heaven is holding me up as I hold my kids up. Does that mean I won't feel broken at some point this week or anxious and flip out? No, but what it does mean is I'm fine now and I will probably continue to be fine because I know that for the past two years I've been prepared for this. I got this, even if I'm not ready for all of it in the moment, even if I'm scared sometimes, overwhelmed, or confused. I will figure it out as I go. 

Off we go...

Megan 

Next Blog Post: Wild Blue Yonder       

One Breath at a Time

 In a time where there doesn't seem to be enough time, when the days are slow, the weeks melt into each other, and looking back you wonder where the year has gone I've never felt more like I have all the time in the world. There's only one word to truly describe that feeling, for me, and that is to be content with the now. Being present with what is, breathing, and being grateful for all the small things that have led up to this one defining moment we as a family have been called to do: military life. 

This past week I've been really contemplating the breath. The specific thought that I had was observing the tiniest detail of the breath. If I allowed myself to see it, the whole world seemed to be in some state of breathing. The way the wind was rustling the leaves before the much needed storm headed our way was a breath, the shadows moving and swaying back and forth on the window was a breath, the world seemingly holding a collective breath on the outcomes of disease, death, violence, debate, and so on was a representative of a lack of breath. My thoughts then began moving in the direction of more action: 

We made a "classroom door" out of our front door that serves 3 different purposes: our home school classroom door decor, a reminder to take a breath when things seem difficult every time we see the door or before we leave, and then as I was putting up little paper books I noticed there were eight (which is the amount of months the hubby will be gone for training in the Airforce), turning the door into a third purpose: a countdown each month where we can record our thoughts on the past month and when we are together again. 

The second thing meditating on breathing brought me to was to send out a reminder to those who follow me on my yoga Instagram account and a family group text to breathe. It said: "Has anyone marveled at how the breath is in everything? Breathing is something we often take for granted or can even be afraid of. I know that sounds silly but when we notice we are holding our breath we are also holding a feeling restricting that breath. It might be scary to let it go. That’s why to a yogi breath is important, the center of everything. Taking a deep breath can change a course of direction. Even reading the word BREATH or BREATHE can cause a physical reaction and act as a cooling balm on the soul. The breath is the key to taking in things as they are, taking what is needed, and then releasing what we don’t. Sometimes we may want to hold onto a feeling but through the breath we can let it go and come back to our center. Here is your daily reminder to breathe...it’s funny how often we forget to."

When life gets a little crazy, I get a little overwhelmed, I feel stressed, angry, or anxious, or when time seems to suddenly be staring me in the face taunting that there is not longer enough of it I've been taking this word out and putting it to good use. I've even learned more about it! Did you know that the Hebrew word 'Ruach' when translated means 'breath', 'wind', or 'spirit' interchangeably.  In the family group text I aforementioned my brother-in-law said it in this way that I really liked, "breathing is literally spiritual power." If something so naturally done that we hardly give it a second thought is our internal power that moves us to create, become, and grow maybe it should be given that second thought. 

As I've been more aware of the tiny movements the breath is in myself and I around me I, as well as Da Beast, have seen the small preparations that have led us here, some of which I've already mentioned in my previous blog post: "A Quest for Freedom and Bravery Pt. 1", but also others we haven't acknowledged before such as all of the jobs Da Beast had before now has taught him that will put things into more perspective for him in his military career, how I've been seeking out my own inner strength and spiritual training to obtain the tools needed to get though the challenges, how even if life events had been different or as we "thought" we would go we probably would have still ended up at this point in our lives because it's more than just a career it's a calling, driving us forward for us to obtain experience and serve others. Looking back we were perfectly placed where we needed to be to make the best of where we are now, regardless of what direction we originally thought we were going.

Besides creating a "classroom" door with a deep meaning we've also put together and accomplished a few goals to help to prepare for, in retrospect, a short separation. 

• We've gone up north to visit family, go on a hike, and show the kids where and how we got engaged on this special bridge. We took lots of pictures, drank milkshakes, played pickle ball, stuck our feet in the water on our hike, picked flowers, walked downtown, and had a move night with a giant bag of Harkins Theatre popcorn they were selling. 
• We had a Disney Day with corn dogs, Mickey Mouse Ice cream, and a youtubed Electrical Parade. 
• We celebrated an early Halloween by putting up a few decorations and taking pictures together. We went over to my parents house and ate pizza together for lunch, the kids got to dress up, and then we went outside and rang the door bell for some "trick-or-treating". 
• We got our annual family pictures taken in my wedding dress with our children also dressed up by an old friend of mine to mark not only the importance of our family and the future we were facing but also an important year of marriage between Da Beast and I. It was hot but it was an amazing photo shoot. Afterwards we had a quick snack dinner of apples, peanut butter and cheese and put the kids to bed. 
• Right after Halloween comes Thanksgiving and being on a strict grocery budget right now it was going to be extremely simple but then we were given a whole raw chicken and I couldn't help but tear up and the tender mercies of God and the generosity of so many others that led to this simple chicken that I got to roast and have as our "main event". It was also the first time I butterflied a chicken which went pretty well if I say so myself. Seriously! God could've been like, "you'll be fine without a chicken or you have enough money you can buy a chicken if you really wanted one" but as ridiculous as it sounds he cares about our desires and efforts to be more conscious of our spending and blessed our home with a chicken that, even though we would have been fine without, made our early Thanksgiving that much more special. 
• The last Holiday we celebrated together was Christmas. I set out a little tree and we even got one present for each child (hence the strict grocery budget), we had pancakes for breakfast and filmed the children opening up their presents and playing with them with their daddy. Later we went on a drive to find lights while drinking hot chocolate and listening to subtle Christmas music. I think it was even more fun trying to find lights in August then in December but that's probably just me. It was like a treasure hunt and so much more enjoyable when we actually saw some. We even took pictures next to some palm trees wrapped in lights at a contemporary arts museum. It was amazing. 
• Da Beast had his month check in with his recruiter where they took his weight, wrote down his motivations for joining the Air Force, followed up on certification bonuses, and gave him a physical copy of the Basic Military Training (BMT) packing list. He also had his last day of work so that for the following week he could taking an online certification course for COMPTIA A+ and Net+ certifications where the Air Force would then give him a bonus for those being completed. Not to mention taking them now over the course of a week will only help him later when he does his tech (job) training.   

The overall, most important goal that we made and that I promised myself was to keep things as regular of a routine as possible and to record all of the little, small and simple things that we take for granted in our every day because those are the things we are going to miss the most. The big grand gestures, parties, Holidays, vacations and trips will all be nice to remember and to have when the actual dates for those things arrive (which was my thought process as I thought of what I wanted to do before he left) but as we lived them out I came to realize that every moment we have with him now is a mixture of joy and sadness. I came to realize that no matter how many plans I have in place or how many activities I have us do I will still miss him just as much. I'm just hoping this takes the edge off of it all. I'm just trying to take it all in a cherish it more than I ever have. I'm just trying. I'm just breathing. 

Because I know that in the end this will all be worth it and for our good and the good of our nation. Because I know that time goes by quicker than we realize and 8 months is not going to be that long. Because I know that by focusing on what I CAN control and what I CAN look forward too is more helpful right now than looking at what I lack or what is out of my control. Because I know that in reality time is all I really have and I might as well make the best of it. 

XOXO

Megan 

--------------> Next Blog Post: Off We Go        

 

Devoting Your Day

I want to write a blog post about blessing your day with devotion, but I'm just not feeling it. 

I want to write about how you can wake up in the morning with good intentions or a prayer and scripture or other spiritual reading but I don't even do that myself, every morning or even everyday at times.

I want to tell you all of these magical things that make my day run smoother but that's not where I am. 

I want to tell you about all the books I've read that have led me to write this post but, really, I read like two books a year. 

I want to, but I don't feel like I've learned enough to be able to. In fact I've looked through my list of all the blog post topics I'd like to write about and I don't feel like I have much experience in any of them, not yet. 

More like in the midst of all of them. 

The lesson I feel like is more prominent in my life currently is the thought "what kind of woman do I want to be?" which was prompted by a book I just finished called "The Lost Teaching of Jesus on the Sacred Place of Women" by Alonzo L. Gaskill, I I provided a link to Mike Whitmer, from the Deseret News, review. Just before that I was consumed with the thought, "Am I serving God or myself?" Which was stemmed from Brittani Krebbs. I first found Brittani on Youtube looking for what to expect from the military videos. Then I started following her on Instagram. She has a Christian faith that's inspiring and she shares devotional thoughts and notes she got from the devotionals she's been apart of. Last week was one about the first commandment: "Thou shalt not have any other gods before me". She mentioned how she got up with her baby and the first thing she did was take care of her baby. She didn't try to wake up earlier to put God first, was her thoughts. She said that even though that wasn't a bad thing it made her think about all the ways she could be putting God first in everything in her life. This isn't something I haven't heard of before, but the way it was mentioned this day stuck with me. In this devotional that she was apart of they talked about all the different gods: education, marriage, power, choice, self expression, achievement, education, athletics, spiritual things, and anything that takes up much of your thoughts and devotion. Then she shared a secret to finding these things that can take the place of God: What consumes or preoccupies your time? What goal, dream, or outcome is always in the back of your mind? 

 Then as I was reading “The Lost teaching of Jesus on the Sacred Place of Women” It made me think of it again because it talked about how we should treat each other and when we serve each other we are serving God and how I thought that went along with what this Brittani posted on Instagram. In my opinion she was serving God by serving her baby. I also believe that God gives us all talents and gifts to develop and share with others to support them and benefit them and ourselves. We need to all use our gifts and talents in line with our desire for the welfare of others. Because of the mass amounts of talents and gifts God gives to a person at any point in their life, the way we serve and spirituality progress will be different, but as long as our faith is in operation, God will make it known unto us our talents and gifts  and when and where to use them. Serving others is not bad, having goals, dreams, and ambitions is not bad but where are our intentions? Where is our foundation for that service, goal, dream, and ambition? If it's rooted in myself it will crumble. If I am not constantly checking and keeping my thoughts turned towards Him and watching the seemingly innocent thoughts that consume my every thought, they will wander. My service, hopes, dreams, goals, desires will leave the sturdy platform they once came from and become things I begrudgingly do, loathe to do, loose interest and motivation in, or that I do to get gain, wealth, popularity, and fame. Again, none of these things are bad if you have them, just where is it coming from? Self fulfillment or servitude to God? 

These were the thoughts running through my mind for a week, which you may or may not agree with, but which I found to be inspiring and a prompt to search my own intentions. Even when I get up in the morning to pray with my husband. I'm usually groggy and can't think of what to even pray for before I flop back on the bed and go back to sleep and he goes to work. I was "doing" the good but my "intention" was no longer there, it was a routine. Something I felt necessary. But now when I wake up I'm still groggy and can barely think straight and probably don't give the best prayers but my first thought is "I'm not doing this for myself, I'm doing this for my relationship with God. He wants to hear from me". And then I still go back to sleep and when I wake up next it's after the kids are up and I've looked at my phone. Am I putting God first in everything? No. Do I want to? Yes. Have I found a rhythm for that yet? No. Hence why I don't feel educated enough to be able to write this kind of post. I can tell you all the things I'd like to do or that I've done in the past but when it really comes down to it devoting your day to something, whatever it may be, starts in the heart of your intentions, your purpose. It's wanting and caring more for the outcome more than the obstacles or excuses we have in our lives.  

For example, almost two years in October  I took president Nelsons challenge to read the Book of Mormon in 3 months. When he first announced it at General Conference I laughed. Since having children it was hard for me to "find time" to study my scriptures. Especially the way I was USED to studying my scriptures and the way others had presented studying your scriptures. Before kids I would sit down in my room on the floor with my scriptures out, a journal, other resources, or I had a class to attend. Other said just "reading" your scriptures wasn't really "studying" your scriptures. And then I got a few people who would tell me that even if I just read a verse or two that "something was better than nothing" but that hardly seemed worth it to me. I had barricaded myself with thoughts, obstacles, and excuses for reading and studying my scriptures so I stopped. Sure I would read here and there when guilt really struck me but at the time of this General Conference I would say I hadn't really read my scriptures for 5 years, at least, which is something I feel ashamed about. After my initial laugh at his invitation (to read a book that I had read before over the course of a year, to not reading it at all, to being encouraged to read it in 3 months seemed impossible), I then had a thought "to just try it" when Russell M. Nelson said "the Lord will help you find a way to achieve it." So I took the challenge and during that whole time I learned that reading and studying your scriptures doesn’t have to be reading these large chunks of scriptures at once(although I did so I could finish on time since I didn't read everyday) and then trying to figure out the meaning and purpose for you; but instead reading a few verses in a topic that stands out to you, reading them over and over again, picking out phrases or words (for these first three months that was marking how many times Jesus was mentioned) that stand out to you and then reading the footnotes, following the promptings to other scriptures or general conference addresses, and writing down what comes to you from the scripture. Then you will know the message God intended for you; and it all started from just a few versus. And you know what I did it! I put aside my obstacles and excuses to put my faith in God first. And because it's now been proven that I can in fact read the Book of Mormon in 3 months I have since then done it 3 more times: the summer of 2019, October-December 2019, and then this past summer of 2020. Last winter I mostly listened to it and it actually helped me write a talk and prompt the blog post about Strengths or Weaknesses. This last summer I was actually able to get my journal out and write thoughts and impressions around a different word each day I read that I was looking for which gave me new insights especially for the words that weren't as evident in the scriptures themselves but gave good examples of it. For example I was looking for the word "compassionate" in the scriptures or examples of compassion in the Book of Mormon. It resulted on an idea for a future blog post.  

There is so much more I need to learn on what it means to devoting my day. Not knowing more than the meager amount of experience I shared here will keep me open for more knowledge to come my way and also allow me the opportunity to seek others expertise. As important as it is for us to be using our talents and knowledge for others it is equally important for us to enlist the help of others; all things you are weak in is someone else’s strength. Focus on your strengths, not what you wish you were good at and God will place you in the right time and place. All you will need to do is act on His inspiration and thank him continually.

So I'd like to know, how do you devote your day? 

xoxo

Megan 

--------------> Next Blog Post: One Breath at a Time

Celebrate All Things

Let's talk about the things that are not often celebrated or rather the instances where our mixed feelings make things confusing, our circumstances change, or even grief. Yes, I believe all of these things can be celebrated just as much as the things that make us happy and "feel good". 

Let's start with grief: I used to think that this only related to those who experienced something major like a death in the family, something significant like the loss of a job, or anything else related to a deep sadness. It was back in March that I realized that grief is more than any of those things, Grief is CHANGE. Anything that changes in your life can put you into any form or at any stages of the grief cycle- usually bouncing around back and forth within that scope. 

March, 19th 2020

Yesterday Morning I woke up with a thought that trauma goes through layers. It’s started for me as something I could sympathize with but couldn’t personalize. I was optimistic that it would be alright. 

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As things began to disappear and close and as social media became a thunderstorm of announcements of stress, encouragement, humor, stress, and experience I still held onto my faith that God was with my family and that it would be fine but other emotions started creeping in as well:
•denial of the seriousness
•anger at the panicked stockpiling
•anxious that I would have to go to the store on my normal shopping day and I couldn’t find what I needed.
•projecting my fear to the future that one day I might go to the store and not be able to feed my children or wipe our bums.
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Then I went shopping and that’s when my shock hit me. I saw it for myself but more than that I felt it. I felt dumb for wanting to cry in the store so I held it in until I drove home. Then I cried, yes, from the overwhelm and shock but also because I was full of gratitude-we had found what we needed, my son was a bright spot in everyone’s shopping experience, and our prayers had been answered.
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Then I plummeted. I didn’t want to leave my bed and I was upset with my lack of motivation. Our schedule hasn’t really changed but it all felt off. Why wasn’t I being normal? So I pushed myself and got more stressed and reacted angrily to minor situations. I tried to do nothing but then I felt hopeless and sucked into a device. Then I crazy organized and cleaned our apartment and felt slightly better. I tried things I enjoyed doing-some frustrated me more and some gave a bit of relief.
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Then I caught the Coronavirus...in my dream. I had accepted it in my dream. Then I woke up with this thought of trauma going through layers or in a pattern. Sound familiar? It did to me.
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I woke up this morning in search of the stages of grief. While the images I found of the Kubler-Ross grief cycle helped me realize the path I was on was of grief and change (especially the 7 stage change model curve) an image from a stock trading site resonated the most for me:

• Optimism 
• Excitement
• Thrill
• Euphoria
• Anxiety
• Denial
• Fear
• Desperation
• Panic
• Capitulation
• Despondence
• Hope
• Relief
• Optimism

I’ve been asked “how are you guys doing” and I didn’t really have an answer for anyone. Then I found this searching for the grief and change stages and now I have my answer: I’m grieving. At any moment I am in one of these emotions (plus others that are not on this particular image but this one resonated the most to me). My normal has been shaken and I’m grieving the loss of it. That doesn’t mean I’m constantly depressed because grief has stages and sometimes I may have thought I moved onto the next stage but really I’m just bouncing around from stage to stage, back and forth. I didn’t have a complete answer for anyone because “how I was doing” was on a spectrum

As you can see grief can come from anything, from stock markets, to being cooped up inside, from struggling to find you voice among many, to death. You’re letting go of something old, something you’ve worked for, something you’ve related to, or maybe something you’re attached to. Grieving is okay in these situations too, it’s not just saved for the severity of sad moments. 

Since March when everything was shut down and we were put on a quarantine to self isolate (where I'm from) things just seemed to go bonkers from what I saw in stores to what I saw on Instagram everyone was grieving, and when you have multiple people grieving at once it's even harder for everyone to heal because we all want someone to listen, we all want someone to see, we all want some one to understand...but when we all want something we can't give because we are grieving we can't expect others to give something they also don't have. But Christ can. When we turn to him and seek answers and give up our insecurities, when we stop demanding justice from other human beings that are too imperfect to give it and look into our own pains and shadows, when we open up our hearts and minds without pointing fingers so we can get a glimpse at the bigger impact our actions have not just at who we are angry at but also how it always comes back to someone we love...that's when we can begin to heal. As we heal we let go of trying to tell others how to speak, support, love, wear, and heal while also being patient with the different way they speak, support, love, wear, and heal. Our control is here. Our space is here. Our support is here. Our voice is here. It's not "out there". 

After a few months being stuck indoors for as much as possible (besides the occasional outing to the grocery store or to see family) there were other horrors being shared on social media. Many times I had to avoid social media for a few days to recollect myself. June 29th was definitely one of those times: 

So I’m having a rough go this morning and as I’m thinking about it I’m realizing:I’m getting really tired of being told by outside sources what to wear, how to think, what I should be doing or not doing, etc. Its restrictive.

I think everyone is feeling restricted and its been stressful for all of us and adding extra tension in everyone so, I feel like, we’re all extra irritable with each other. In my opinion I think as a whole we act on only two options: try and control the situation (by being vocal and trying to control what others do, think, say, believe, wear etc, dieting, judging others for doing things differently) or to search for freedom (overindulgence's like over eating, excess traveling, rebelling against a system, being over active/busy, seeking something sensual, etc.)

There’s actually a third option available to us but we don’t often take it but when we do it balances our inner turmoil from outer situational circumstances. It separates what is important and necessary from the loud voices around us. It connects us back to our soul, purpose and God. That’s where we will find the true peace and freedom. That is where we will be able to solve conflicts by necessary means including war or tough conversations if needs be. We will remember how to work from the inside out versus having the outside work it’s way in.

I'll say it again: grief is change and can mix up all our feelings. Often times I feel like the main emotion that makes an appearance is anger. I read once on instagram a mother who was explaining to her child what anger was: a mask hiding another feeling. Either because we don't yet know what that emotion is because we don't want to look at it or we know what the emotion is but we are ashamed or guilty of it. Either way we all have big emotions and it's okay to feel them, to coax them out, to be raw with someone close and safe, and to not always have an immediate resolution. I'm sure I've said it before but it's here in this vulnerable state that we can create the deepest and most healing bonds with one another as long as the other person is in a healing and growing place themselves. 

This brings me to my last example: No matter how happy or optimistic about a new venture you are going after you might still follow the stages of grief...and that’s normal! Grieving is okay in these situations too, it’s not just saved for the severity of sad moments. 

On July 10th 2020, the hubby got a call from his Airforce recruiter: we now have a date for the BMT (basic military training)! If you've been following my blog for a little while now you know we've been waiting a long time for this! If you haven't you can catch up by reading this blog post.  We've been excitedly and sometimes impatiently waiting for this day! My heart was thudding in my chest and there were butterflies in my stomach. I stood in the kitchen, pausing the dinner I was making, to stare wide eyed at the Da Beast in the corner of the living room talking excitedly, breathlessly, and cautiously into the phone. He was so excited and that's when other emotions started to put strain on my heart. I couldn't listen to them now. I told them, "later". But "later" never really came. Da Beast got off the phone and quickly looked at the job he'd be going to tech school for: cyber transport systems. It’s very similar to what he does now and he’s done for another job that he loved when we lived in Northern Arizona: network, cables, repairing communication systems to make sure they’re operational like circuits, telephones, routers & IP networks, ports, computers, etc. It says he can have a lot of down time if everything is operational so he can use that time to study for certifications like COMPTIA which he’s been wanting to do or other classes towards his career. It says the culture is a corporate of geeks where they talk about video games  It does take a lot of studying to achieve high marks for his tech school training which lasts about 6 months.More than likely all his training will take place at Keesler Airforce Base located in Biloxi,MS.

He then asked me what I was thinking or how I was feeling (I don't remember which) but I told him I was feeling a lot of things but didn't want to acknowledge them because then I would cry. He hugged me but didn't pry and I was glad at the time. I told him we shouldn't call or tell anyone yet until we let it settle with our little family first. We talked about things like if it was worth the kids and I moving there for the short period of time he'd be in tech school (his job training) and we entertained the idea for about an hour when I realized it was more important for us to stay where we are. Putting the kids through so much change all at once, veruses little by little was best not to mention we would have lots of family and friends near by. Another reason was because Da Beast is planning on leaving work a couple weeks before his BMT start date in September so instead of using that time to move we'd use it to spend time as a family, prepare the things we can control, and spend time with other family that he might not see for some time. At the end of the day we decided it just made more sense for the kids and I will stay where we are but we will be able to chat often enough when he’s in tech school and the kids and I will go to Mississippi once or twice while he’s there so we can visit.

The next couple of days we called/ video chatted family and shared our news! We also got to see our new nephew who made his debut July 2nd! I got asked a lot how I was feeling and even though I said and felt like I was excited there were still those other pesky emotions that begged for attention in the back of my mind. I quieted them by announcing that I had "many feelings but I was mostly excited" and then brushing them away again. By the end of all the announcements and Da Beast's very apparent excitement I never did get to acknowledging all of my feelings. I didn't want to ruin this for him. I didn't want to seem miserable to everyone when I really WAS excited. I didn't want "all those other feelings" to overshadow any happiness or excitement that I really did have but would then be judged by others because of these "other feelings". So I held it in and that's when the alarms started going off. My other feelings had just realized I lied to them and was never going to let them speak. It was like my whole body was saying "release pressure RELEASE PRESSURE!" but I instead tightened my walls and sunk deeper, but they were relentless: they started seeping out in anger and irritation and I even wanted to avoid a call with a good friend because I knew, to her, I'd spill the beans. And that's just what I did. My dear friend with ears to hear, a kind heart, and a compassionate soul listened to me ugly cry on the phone how afraid I was, how overwhelmed with feelings and responsibilities I was, how alone I was, how guilty I was, how frustrated I was, how disconnected I was...and all she said back to me was a validation of my feelings and how she only wished she could be here to give me a hug. I cried harder. She had a safe place for all my feelings to go and I am insanely grateful that God put her in my life by the simplest meeting in a park almost a year ago. After being so full of emotions I felt completely drained after our conversation and was then filled with love and courage by her gentle reassurances that we were strong and we were ready for this: no reprimands, no "this is what I would of done", no questioning my feelings or decisions, no "fixes", and no "you're so brave, I could NEVER do that,"...just listening and giving me a gentle push forward and back on my feet. Because if we are complete bearing our souls here: I didn't feel very brave. I'm also not saying anyone else said those things to me, I made them up on the spot to show the comparison and how much I appreciated the way she respond to me in MY current situation. In other situations and relationships the "other" things that could have been mentioned wouldn't all be "bad". 
That night I talked to Da Beast and told him all these feelings I had and he just listened and held me and told me that I didn't have to ONLY be happy or excited, I could be sad too. The next week I took it easy as I slowly gained back my momentum and planning for all the fun things we will be up too till he leaves. That is until yesterday. Da Beast was going through the same things I had just gone through: sinking deeper into his overwhelming feelings. We talked them out and I showed him the same support I always have and that I've been shown with a listening ear, open heart, and love...but it didn't start out that way. At first I was upset because I had been trying all day to bring everyone together but it was like putting two magnets together that had opposing energy and I wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't seeking to put him down or scold him but I did remind him where his place was and what was important to me. Then when I realized it went much deeper that what I was aware of I then apologized for not asking more questions and being more observant. We talked about how grateful we didn't feel overwhelmed at the same time so we could be there to fully support each other and strengthen each other. I then felt like I've been told off and on the past few years, "brave". I also felt something I'd never felt before in the form of a thought, "I will wear my tears with honor."

In conclusion, and if I've written this post well enough, there were moments in my examples where celebration occurred. I celebrated the grief cycle when I found out that was what I was going through and I now had a rough map to my feelings. I celebrated the time I had to be more creative. In my second example I celebrated diversity and how we all navigate life different, it's beautiful, and I have so may more opportunities to listen to others stories! And in my final example I celebrated a long awaited announcement, good friends, and the deepening connection we have with each other when we express our feelings and listen to each other with love. Change is to be celebrated no matter how challenging or easy they many seem! Change may be grief but change is also a celebration! We are constantly growing and if we didn't feel a little scared we would be too arrogant to learn what we truly need to flourish. 

Let's not only celebrate the fun and happy times but lets also celebrate the challenging and troubling times that we are working through or have worked through, because in the end it's all worth a little celebration. 

You are worth celebrating! 

Much love, 
Megan 

--------------> Next Blog Post: Devoting Your Day 

Learning- A Life Long Process

How many times have we thought of knowledge as a destination?
When I get an 'A'...
When I get into the next grade...
When I get into the next math book...
When I complete my homework assignment...
When I pass this test...
When I graduate...
When I pick a career...
When I pick a degree...
When I go to college...
When I go to university...
When I go to vocational school...
Annnndd then what?
What I find interesting is after being in school constantly reaching for knowledge for a certain destination there is often disinterest in learning, dissatisfaction in the career/degree of choice, loss of direction, inability to fully understand your talents and dreams, lack of courage to fulfill and put into action what you've learned, and then essentially going back to school to continue with what is familiar. Or on the other hand that you feel superior or and expert in your field because of all the knowledge destinations you've achieved and you have no need to continue to learn.

Not all of the situations in life fall into these two categories, I've just seen it happen often to others, including myself. I'm in the first option. I learned for grades, I completed homework assignments and tests to move onto the next grade or level or graduation. I went to college with a money making career in mind not what I wanted to learn. I finished college without a degree, without direction, and burnt out from unsatisfying education.

Are all those things bad?
No way! It's good to strive to do the best you can and to improve. It's good to do things you don't always like, to learn things that make you uncomfortable to help you grow, it's good to try things to find out if you like them or not, it's good to make mistakes and resolutions, it's good to seek mentorship, teachers, and others with more experience in the things you enjoy. It's good to get degrees for those jobs that require them. I'll ask again:

How many times have we thought of knowledge as a destination?

When we grew up learning where was our focus? Was it trying to get to a stage, level, grade, ect? Or was it to discover, enjoy, contemplate, expand, understand, and grow?

Learning doesn't stop when we start going to school, when we graduate school, when we start a career, when we have children, when we get married, and not even if we declare we don't want to learn anymore. 😜

No.

We are always learning in everything. Whether we absorb anything is another story. Are we being receptive, open, humble, and seeking growth? If someone says something boarder-lining offensive we have two options:
1. Get offended. We have the right to after all! They hurt our feelings and were most certainly in the wrong.
2. Ask questions. The more we communicate the more we will absorb. We we learn that not only was that person unaware of what they had done because they were raised that way but they also have insecurities of their own causing their speech to be a little aggressive to hide those insecurities. Furthermore, we have a lot in common! If we both put aside our frontline of defense we will see that all we want is love, acceptance, respect, and friendship. We're now open to new perspectives and what the other has to teach us.

This goes into more than just one on one interactions but into everything. Because a good majority of what we will learn while alive on this Earth is through another human being who makes mistakes it is in our best interest to keep our hearts and minds open for opportunities. Some hurt more than others, like, a lot, and our natural reaction is to close up shop for the day and avoid that painful situation again. But if we can hold on just a little longer, find another who's job it is to help in healing, and try and see the other perspective we will draw closer than ever because we are now grafted together to grow stronger.

Bringing it back around to the educational system or "school", my perspective is that school should be about finding the joy of leaning no matter how that's achieved whether you're homeschooled or institutionalized. That means that every moment is a learning experience or the opportunity for one. I've been back and forth about whether to send my children to school or to teach them from home. I tend to lean more towards homeschool, my husband leans more towards public school, we decided together to go with what is needed for the time. We felt that this upcoming school year for Bubba's start in Kindergarten we were going to homeschool him. We sent him to a Montessori preschool last year. The reason I personally lean more towards homeschooling is the principle of freeform. There is no "wrong" way to lear since it's ALL learning. It's not structured or graded or put into generalizations. I realize that some long time homeschoolers with different points of view may strongly disagree with those statements but keep in mind that I'm comparing it to a public school system. I'm not saying that homeschool doesn't or can't have requirements, structure, or schedule in it's own way. The reasons we like a school system, however, is for it's ability to teach the children how to work with others who think differently than you, learn from someone else besides mom and dad, real world communication and interaction, testing the child's opinions and expanding interests, and of course not having to do the teaching. Luckily if you plan homeschool in such a way to include all of those things as well are they really "missing out"? This is when all of those who go, have gone, or have strong opinions about going "to" a school can strongly disagree with me too.

The struggle is real folks.

Moral of the story? If it feels like a good fit and meets whatever qualifications or requirements needed-- then you've made the right choice.

Put what you love to do in the forefront of your decisions and the decisions of the things your children love and then fill in all the requirements and necessary classes or subjects to lift it higher, to expand it, to develop it, and if you have more than one thing that you love, and they don't seem to have anything in common and you can't pick just one then don't! Find your overall purpose and reasoning behind why you love the things you do (helping people? Bring happiness? Communication? Expression? Ect.) and with that in mind set a timeline for yourself and start checking off all the things you love to do. In time they might all start coming together and revealing how they ARE all in common. You're experience with life is and will be unique and impactful on those around you, even if you don't realize it.

"Go, live your dream." -Disney's Movie Tangled.
XOXO
Megan
--------------> Next Blog Post: Celebrate All Things 

A Weakness or a Strength?

In my last post "You Are Enough" I shared a story about Alma the Younger and how I contemplated  Alma's "weaknesses" as misused strengths and shared my own story of how my voice is a gift to my children (and possibly others but the story was about my kids) that I was misusing by yelling at them or using an unkind tone.

In this post we will be covering just that! Do we have "weaknesses" or just misused or under utilized strengths? On the other side of the coin do we admire ourselves for something we think we are strong in but it's hurting ourselves or others? Where is the balance?

Or are we just splitting hairs?
Maybe.
A little.
However, it's a thought process that has helped me to investigate my feelings and the outcome of choices I make. Going from: "this is my weakness...this is who I am. It won't ever get better" to "what is to uncover here? What talent of mine is hiding? What talent of mine is in overabundance? Where is the balance?

Balance.

The word that's been on my mind and heart for years now as a slow and intense burning fire but never completely achieved but allows me to learn, grow, experiment, and investigate.

Someday I'll find that balance, the perfected state. 

But that won't happen in this Earthly life, that's what it's for: to have to focus on bringing ourselves back from straying-too far on either side of scale- to the present; To bring back what we've collected on our journey and to learn from it: the calm and the challenge; and to be present in this moment now by uncovering the mysteries of our subconscious.

Balance practices are everywhere.

• Yoga means literally means to "unify", to "join" to "unite", to "subjugate", to "control", to "yoke". I wrote a bit about my yoga experience up until this point here. 
• Meditation is the practice of thinking deeply or focusing ones mind for a period of time and can be done in stillness or chaos. It's something that draws others who struggle for a deeper meaning of their feelings and to typically find that peace in the tension. Through meditation I feel like balance is found when a deep rooted and traumatic event is uncovered and then releases allowing the mind and body to release and move forward. 
• Our own nervous system works to obtain a balance between parasympathetic and sympathetic, swinging back and forth every few hours in the day. 
• Ayurvedic medicine is literally a balance in bodily systems through the use of diet, herbal treatment, and yogic breathing. 
• Intuitive Eating- I don't like the stigma that comes with the word "diet" but feel free to use that in it's pure definition of "the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats." Our intake for our bodies takes a natural course of balance between many food groups including sweets. When we listen to what our body is telling us it needs, it finds balance. 

Sometimes these things also come out of balance just like everything else we try to do in our lives and that's okay. A quote by Traci Brosman's, "Are you Sleepwalking through life?" says:

"Don't be too hard on yourself when you catch yourself in the past or future. Gently bring yourself back to the present and see the beauty of life." 

What we may consider our weaknesses or our strengths function much of the same way: trying to find the balance.

Many of my own "weaknesses" felt abuntant in a time of a lot of fear and anxiety in my life (you can pretty much pick any of my blog posts from 2018 to learn more about that time of my life).

The one thing I tell everyone that helped me the most during that time was to see everything in my life different. Instead of feeling inflicted I felt the need to solve the mystery and find the lessons in my life, sprouting a consistency in blog posts. Once my perspective changed so did the outcome of the emotions I felt. I began to progress and slowly got to a point of realizing the beauty and gift in trials not only in myself but others as well.

Pain is important.
Our "weakness's" are important and can be made strong. (Ether 12:27)
But how?
By seeing the strength hidden in the weakness, by accepting it how it is now but seeing it's potential.
In the example of me yelling at my kids that was my fear and anger talking. It was my "weakness". However there were moments where I would talk or sing and the attention, focus, and change from my children was nothing short of a miracle. My strength was there underneath the fear that made it weak.

When talking with my mother in law about this topic she mentioned that our strengths could be misguided and could become weak. The example of serving others came up which hit home for me as well.
A personal example is joined by my recent discovery of my purpose, my word. This was brought up in a conversation with a good friend who had read the book "The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results" by Gary W. Keller (if I remember correctly). I haven't read it myself yet but she challenged me to "find my one word" to which I thought about it off and on for the next two weeks before I read a story in "A Path With Heart," By Jack Kornfield of a man you lived his life by putting joy into everything he did. As he aged he began to forget more and more things but through his karmic pattern of joy he put into place, even without memory, he continued his practice. That was when I found my word:

JOY

My word plugged into every definition I had been collecting. Everything I have done or desire to do, specifically to bring joy and happiness to others through support in their own endeavors or through my own work and goals. Things such as when I wanted to be a psychologist, art therapist, teacher, yoga, American Sign Language, writing fictional stories, writing blog posts, conversing with others deeply, seeing the things others don't like about themselves as great stories and loving those parts about them, wanting to work as a character performer at Disneyland to bring magic to others, giving talks, travel, and even down to something seemingly silly and small such as promising my husband when we got married (or maybe even before) that it was my goal to always make him laugh for the rest of our lives. We even made up what out tombstones would say. Mine: "It was my goal to always make him laugh" His: "HA HA HA!" 

This word made every action I've done make sense even the times where I couldn't make someone happy. When my focus was driven by a determination to make someone else happy no matter what I lost sight of my true purpose: to give out my joy, not to make someone happy because in reality I couldn't do that. My purpose is to share my joy not to sacrifice it because someone doesn't accept it. When I focused all my efforts on only trying to make someone else happy, just as my mother in law said, it became "misguided and became weak."

This is my purpose, guys! 

My biggest strength! 

The word that guides everything else! 

And it became weak. 

I questioned it. 

I doubted myself. 

But when I began to retrain myself and as I continue to gain confidence, I will continue to find more footholds in the fulcrum, the balance, of my gift; neither the weakness nor the strength: just the purpose. 

So what do you think? 

Are there weaknesses? 

Are there strengths?

XOXO
Megan
--------------> Next Blog Post: Learning- A Life Long Process

You Are Enough

Last year in June of 2019 I wrote a post titled, "How to Care For Others AND You", and since then it's still been one of my life lessons.

At the end of November I was asked to give a talk in sacrament meeting for our church for the second Sunday in December, the 8th. The title I was given to go off of was the question, " How do I find joy in serving others." For the next two weeks I was anxious, nervous, excited, hopeful, and empowered.

My initial thought was that I had an opportunity to change the feeling of this particular theme of talk that I'd heard often but only felt insignificant and discouraged afterwards. I felt inspired by the spirit for what to say and felt very inadequate to present it. I postponed actually writing the talk because I was receiving so many thoughts and countering them with questions like "was I changing the way this theme was presented in talks for what Heavenly Father wanted me to say or because it was something I've been studying for a few years and I was passionate about it? I had decided it was both. I was asked to give this talk by the inspired bishopric through the spirit of God BECAUSE it was something I was dedicated to and I wanted others to feel and remember their own joy in serving others.

Once I actually began to write the words flowed, words that I felt were too perfect to be my own. I wrote most of my talk in one sitting but felt there was one more thing I needed to learn before it was finished. Over the next few days I had listened to my scriptures and talked to my sister and thats when I knew I had found the ending to my talk.
My next hurdle to overcome was to give the talk. I was nervous about presenting it but knew it was what God needed me to say, so, even through my distress I felt peace. Once at the podium I felt the spirit and that I was where I needed to be. It was the best talk I feel honored to have been called as a messenger in that time.

What does this talk I gave in sacrament meeting have to do with a blog post I wrote months ago? Well for starters I began my talk with:
"How do you help others and yourself at the same time without neglecting one or the other?"
That’s a big question to tackle and super personal, but regardless of which unique avenue of service you are on it’s the right one.

You. Are. Enough. 

As I mentioned earlier, “serving others” talk topics were tough, because I never felt like I was doing it in grand miraculous ways. I wasn’t doing it by the book answers of sharing your testimony, going to the hospital or home of a stranger, “visiting teaching” (as it used to be called), family history work, temple work, etc. I was under the impression that because these topics brought up guilt in me as I listened to these other talks that I was sinning and needed to repent by doing these things. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, I so badly did, it was that I didn’t find how it worked for me yet. All those services I just mentioned are so good, so beneficial, and so important to the work of this church. That is why it needs to be delicately taught with compassion towards each soul. To bring to light the true and eternal joy in serving others versus the guilt, shame, and often times lack of motivation to do anything with the name “service” attached to it because they felt that their contribution wasn’t enough.

I strongly believe I was asked to give this talk back in December of 2019 because I have struggled with this, I continue to not know all the answers, and to tell everyone that their contribution IS enough and worth it.
The key to finding Joy in service?
Question yourself and pray to be aware of what it is that you DO and HOW you do it.
Elder Utchdorf gives a talk called “It Works Wonderfully” from October 2015 Ensign. In it he gives 2 thoughts on why the gospel can seem fulfilling and joyful for some while others have “less-than-fulfilling experiences”.

1.) Simplify
“to step back, look at your life from a higher plane, and simplify your approach to discipleship. Focus on the basic doctrines, principles, and applications of the gospel. I promise that God will guide and bless you on your path to a fulfilling life, and the gospel will definitely work better for you.”
2.) Start where you are.
Elder Utchdorf said, “Sometimes we feel discouraged because we are not “more” of something—more spiritual, respected, intelligent, healthy, rich, friendly, or capable. Naturally, there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve. God created us to grow and progress. But remember, our weaknesses can help us to be humble and turn us to Christ, who will “make weak things become strong.” Satan, on the other hand, uses our weaknesses to the point that we are discouraged from even trying.
I learned in my life that we don’t need to be “more” of anything to start to become the person God intended us to become.”

I’d like to add another thought to his:

3.) Give yourself time. 
When I first got married I was never really into visiting teaching. I felt it was more forced and invading than natural and friendly. In our first apartment we lived in I would even turn down a few visits if I felt like I had a good enough excuse to do so and to my surprise that didn’t seem to phase the woman who tried to visit and teach me! Instead she seemed genuinely interested and concerned for me and would stay on the phone to just chat. When we moved I remembered her impact on my life and realized that if I was going to visit teach I was going to do it the way I thought it’d work best: by being a friend like she was to me.
Luckily I had a companion who felt the same way and although we did plan the lessons to teach we tried not to make that the focus. I found joy there.

Fast forward a few years when we moved to Mesa I became a visiting teacher to a few women, one of which was not active. This worried me at first because I thought I had this greater obligation to bring her back to the church. This was also the time I found out I struggle with anxiety. I went with what I could handle: by being a friend. I didn’t bring up anything church related for two years. Last Christmas I felt strongly to invite her to church. She came.

I think we put this pressure on ourselves like Utchdorf said to “be more”. We see others success and wonder where is our own when we don’t realize that their success was an accumulation of small incidents, hard work, and a collection of seemingly random situations that you wouldn’t think go together. And that our own successes are currently in the works, every small thing we do works up to what may seem like a major event.

A few weeks ago my husband and I met with a couple to chat. During our conversation we found out they were members of the church. After our conversation with them as my husband and I drove home he turned to me and said that he was proud of me for just being forward and mentioning the term “Ward” before we even knew they were members. His thought was that it was my sneaky way of sharing the gospel and my testimony. Shocked I responded with “we didn’t know before I said “Ward”? I thought they said something first!” He insisted that I started it. Truly stumped I went with a response that went like this “well I guess they looked like they were and I just convinced myself so much that it came out”. This experience sparked other thoughts in me that were more meaningful than the experience itself: I had no idea I was doing it and that if we are living our lives the best we can with a “willing heart,  desire to believe, and trust in the lord” -as Elder Utchdorf mentions in his   talk- then that’s probably how it will go a good majority of the time: we won’t even realize we’re doing it.
Recognizing this is where we will find the joy.
You can help and serve others by finding what works with you in a simple and present way and the Lord will truly do the rest because your contribution is worth it.
Recently with the corona virus changing the safety nets around us, our schedules, and our interaction with the world we've been asked by church leaders to spend careful and prayerful attention on those we minister too. I again felt the panic and the guilt. I haven't ministered since we moved into the ward last July. I sat with my feelings for a minute and then remembered this talk I gave in December where I encouraged everyone to recognize the good they do, to remember how you serve. I couldn't think of anything so I prayed asking Heavenly Father to remind me what it is that I DO, DO to serve other. Almost instantly I was reminded that I could write. So I did. I wrote and old fashion email. Did they respond? Nope. Then I thought about them during Easter and tried calling. Did they answer or call back? Nope. But my intention was there.

Remember how I said I wrote my talk but then felt there was something missing? I was listening to the Book of Mormon (you can get one for free at this site by clicking here or here) though my gospel library app and it just happened to be the story of Alma the Younger.
 In Mosiah 27 it talks about how Alma was “wicked and idolatrous”; that he “spoke much flattery to the people therefore he led many of the people to do after the manner of his iniquities” and “stealing away the hearts of the people”. This was a man who was “going about to destroy the Church of God”. Why would God then choose to send him and angel to essentially ‘shape up’ and become a great prophet later on?
I’ll let that sit for a second while I ask questions relatable to this one.
Why would God ask a man who stumbles himself through life to be a seventy? A stake president? Or a Bishop? Why would God ask imperfect people such as ourselves to teach one another, be missionaries, be parents, etc?
Because we are perfect in our imperfections! Because we have that desire to do good in our hearts.

Now let’s go back to Alma the Younger. Here’s a man who is being pretty naughty, we don’t know what desires he had in his heart but they must have been good because God called out to him and HE LISTENED. If he was doing unrighteous acts why would God then choose to send him an angel to essentially ‘shape up’ and become a great prophet later on? Why not the sons of Mosiah?

Here’s my interpretation of it:
1.) Yes, Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah equally led away or harassed the people of the Church, but it was Alma who was kind of this Mob Boss of the whole operation. This man had leadership skills. Leadership skills are an excellent quality to have when used to uplift and inspire others. He had a great gift, he was tempted to use it improperly but even through his unrighteous acts he was still practicing that talent.
2.) Once the angel did come to him it shook him to his core and he became ill because he now recognized  where he went horribly wrong. This gave him perspective and determination to help others. This also became a gift and talent that helped him preserve later in life.
3.) Because of all the wrong he did he was able to fully connect to others, to testify in a personal way, to have compassion on others, and to be an example.
In this past General Conference of April 2020 there was a talk given by Dale G Renlund titled, "Consider the goodness and greatness of God" where he also mentioned the transformation of Alma the Younger that I would recommend reading, it's definitely on my re-read list!

We like to look at the miracles of others and to express our positive attributes to others which is great and gives hope but it overlooks those little situations that brought us there even if they are uncomfortable. Examples of this from my life have been my own anger and yelling at my kids. I hate admitting this. I know it’s not right, it doesn’t feel right, and it’s something that was at its peak after I had my second. My anger held hands with my anxiety. Now, I don’t yell as much. I have accepted my efforts with compassion and continue to learn and grow.

One particular thought as I was writing this talk was that I have a gift in my voice, a powerful one, and the adversary has his focus squarely on distracting me and helping me to forget its there. This thought combined with my interpretations of Alma the Younger led me to wonder if our "weaknesses" were actually weaknesses or just misplaced or incorrectly used strengths.

There is this quote that I love by Marianne Williamson that says:

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Again I ask, how do we help others and ourselves at the same time without neglecting one or the other? How do we find joy in serving others?
D. Todd Christofferson in last 2019 April conference said in his talk entitled “preparing for the lords return” said in reference to God hastening his work “Employing our admittedly imperfect efforts—our “small means” —the Lord brings about great things”. By recognizing what we CAN do versus what we can’t/ aren’t doing.

This is a service to ourselves and is a service to others because when we strive to be good, when we have that burning desire to do good despite the way it seems to look for others we become aware of the impact we truly make we see all the good we truly do and this is where the joy is found.

You are enough. 

Your contribution is worth it. 

Through your efforts miracles will be had and you will find that joy in serving others. 

XOXO

Megan 

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